Deopoet.

i think about not thinking too much. i think about not thinking enough. i think about saying the right joke, i think about not joking at all. i think about talking too much, i think about not talking enough. i think about the oven and the dishes, i think about the carpets and the curtains, and i measure their volume, length, and circumference against my energy levels. i think about if you hate me, i think about if you love me. i think about if i hate you or if i'm just cranky. i think about the countless "if"s and "but"s and then i try to count them myself.

i count the money in my wallet and i deliberate on how much to put in my pocket— and which pocket: the one in my jeans; the one in my jacket?— how much to put in my hand, how much to leave in my bag for when my wallet runs out, how much spare cash to give when someone asks, how much to budget and how in the world i could earn more. then i count the money i'm willing to spend on food and i query myself, "how many hours longer can you stand an empty stomach?" then i obliterate the thought because i don't go there anymore, i swore to myself.

i command myself not to think too much and subtract the momentum from my thoughts, before they snowball and spiral, but then i start to wonder if i'm bottling up and then i start to think if i'm not thinking enough, so i trace back my train of thought and i review the reasoning of each thought: is it correct, do i need it; where did it begin; why did it begin; did it sprout on its own, fathomless, without reason, or was it born from the result of something breaking in my childhood, then i scoff, recoil—how cliché, and then i try to end at a place of thinking just the right amount.

it's an equation i try to balance every day: add a little nonchalance; subtract some nervousness; put it all in the parentheses of the reticence of thinking; multiplied by the mental energy remaining in decimals.

carry on, carry the one, carry your brain in a schoolbag.

she said, "i don't need: 1. you to pay for this, or this, and this 2. you to give me lots of gifts 3. you to drive me here, or there, anywhere 4. your grip strength, your help in opening this jar 5. your arm strength, your help in lifting this box 6. you to take care of me along with yourself 7. you to fix all these things. "