alex

i really used to let it all out on here lol. looking back on the posts i used to make is just alarming; the insomnia, the self-harm, the avoidance. yeesh. i used to feel Not Human(TM) but now i just feel Trapped In A Human(TM) which to me is an upgrade and i am even happy these days. bored, but happy. you gotta get used to not having extreme ups and downs, and to look at the whole-picture instead of just the IMMEDIATE NOW

e.g. "wow i am not feeling good in this moment, i need to do something drastic in order to escape this waking nightmare. what is wrong with me." WRONG

"i am not feeling good in this moment, but i am able to acknowledge that i was previously happy with how everything is going. nothing needs to change, it's okay to feel bad sometimes." RIGHT

it always felt really really good to have a breakdown and go on a spree of very fun, very bad decisions, but picking up the pieces is just fucking exhausting.

sometimes i still want to run away in the middle of the night, and smoke, and drink, and do drugs. sometimes it feels so unbearably boring, like i am trapped in an endless rinse cycle of mediocrity. and i want to ruin everything just so i can build something new that, for a moment, could be anything i want it to be.

i used to have this way of burning every bridge every [TIME PERIOD.] it felt so freeing to destroy the relationships i had, and completely change how i presented myself because there was no one around who knew how i was before. "that person is dead," i would always tell myself. "i can be whoever i want now, no one expects anything from me."

in the end i was constantly changing masks and ruining relationships because i was scared to be non-perfect. all it took was one (not even real, but perceived,) fuck up on my end- and that was it. "well, this is over. i fucked up beyond repair. let's completely ruin this immediately." eventually you run out of people, but i was moving around so much they never ran out.