25.9.16 She was there when my brain attacked the other week. No ones ever really been there when that's happened before. She was supposed to be leaving and I told her that I felt like asking her to leave, but she didn't, she stayed. She was having cramps herself at the time and so the easiest way to explain it was that it was sort of like that. Like physical pain on my brain, mental pain that was sore and painful and frustrating and unwarranted. I told her it felt like my brain was under attack with negativity. At first I was very sad and she held me, but then I became very angry and I had to sit up because I didn't want her to touch me. I didn't want her to see me like this even though I knew it was okay. I rubbed my hands together, frustrated, angry, eventually told her how my blood was rushing, my thoughts pulsing and telling me to punch something, to hurt myself, to let the anger out. The unwarranted, unwanted, inexplicable anger. She listened, she stayed, she held me and told me she wasn't leaving and I wasn't punching anything. Eventually I thought of something that might help, the old endorphins. So I blasted 'Help' by the Beatles and sung it loudly and badly and we rolled around on the bed until I'd laughed the angst and hurt away. She stayed all night. I told her how strange it was that she had been there, but that I was glad she had been there. It still feels strange, unreal. Her closeness makes me afraid that if I were bad I might break someone other than myself. But I think it's okay, I'm good, it's alright, I'm not breaking anything.
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