death.

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re-living some aspects of the abuse (feeling uncomfortable, aroused but scared, having intrusive thoughts and memories) every time you have to go to the bathroom

sick fantasies, attraction towards pain, humiliation, control or being controlled, rape fantasies, really cruel and twisted fantasies

feeling disgusted with yourself because of the sick fantasies, wondering what is wrong with you and if you’re some sort of monster for imagining that

trying to desperately stop the fantasies but eventually giving in and feeling guilty

trying to have normal fantasies but in the end most of them re-enact abuse in some way (one person is in power over another, something is forced against your will, you are pressured or forced into something, your assent is ignored or dismissed, one person is using another as an object or service, there’s manipulation, humiliation, abuse, violence and pain involved, the situation is one of obligation to have sex and not done out of true desire for intimacy)

losing your ability to refuse or reject someone when in sexual situation

losing your ability to say no or defend yourself in a sexual situation

losing your ability to speak in a sexual situation

even if you desire intimacy once in a sexual situation you find yourself just waiting until it’s over and doing anything to end it faster

inevitably feeling fear and strong possibility of getting hurt in a sexual situation

feeling like a child in a sexual situation

re-living all the emotions you felt during sexual abuse, in any sexual situation

feeling terrified of sex in general, but still craving it

belief that sex is the only true form of intimacy and feeling awful and destroyed for not being able to share that with anyone anymore