the Moon’s lover

He cannot touch you! Do you hear me? 

He cannot.

Touch.

You.

Demir’s words kept ringing in Zerrin’s ears, as she locked herself in her room, keeping a barrier between her and her psychotic husband as she processed the events of the last  few hours. 

She’d repeatedly cried out to him (and to herself) that Kaya hadn’t touched her.. but he had. He had touched her. And the thought of that alone had kept her breathless on the entire way home, pulse racing, heart threatening to burst against her ribs.

She could still feel the lingering touch of his hand on her forearm, her own hands, burning against her skin. Slipping down to her knees, the friction of the carpeted floor below warming up her numb limbs, she stared at the open palms resting on her lap.

Pins and needles pricked at her fingertips, recalling the initial brush of his body as she tried to stop him from charging at her harasser earlier. Her left digits had curved around his biceps while her right hand flew to his chest, in a rehearsed dance they had practiced for years. 

Two, three, four.. he gripped her waist and pulled her flush against his body.

Five, six, seven.. she sneaked her hand up to his nape, raking her fingernails against the short hair she loved so much, her spare fingers fisting his shirt, dragging him closer as his tongue traced the path down to her shoulder, before dipping into her collarbone… 

Shivering at the memory, Zerrin shook her head and hugged her own arms, letting herself drop to lay down on the floor in an attempt to calm herself. Her efforts in trying to convince herself their love was in the past were all in vain.. he was haunting her every waking moment, but today’s encounter had doomed her dreams to never allow her any respite either. 

She squeezed her eyes shut in a desperate attempt to wipe her memory out, when she suddenly felt warm sunlight invading her room, the sunset glow gently resting on her in a soothing embrace. Slowly opening her eyes, she settled her gaze a little further above her bed and let a laugh out at the sight before her.  

The extravagant zultanite stone that was sitting on her dresser, one of the many wedding gifts that were forced on her at her arrival in the Baybars home, was shining a mix of sage and moss green rays on her ceiling. A colour engraved onto her soul, a hue that had melted into her eyes a few hours prior. She chuckled at the irony of Demir’s gift being her daily reminder of the light that shone in Kaya’s eyes whenever they rested on her, and her only. 

Her right hand found its way around her lower stomach and she let her mind slip away to a fire-lit winter night, the soft-bristle carpet under her slowly turning into burning velvet skin engulfing every inch of her being. A serene smile finally resting against her lips, Zerrin’s eyes fluttered shut as she drifted into a sage-coloured dream. 

· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·

Is that so, Kaya?

Is it really over? 

Kaya laid on the roof of his car, in silence, contemplating his fiancée’s last words for hours on end, as the cliff he had parked on took on warmer colors by the end of the afternoon.

Ipek had stomped away earlier in shock and anger, leaving him with his own thoughts at the university’s gate. It’s all in the past, he heard himself say. There’s no love left. The heavy weight of the lies that sat on his tongue made every breath he took shorter, heavier, until he could no longer handle it. He had to get out of there. So he got in his car and drove away, the speedometer needle on his dashboard flirting with its limit, the dry wind hissing against his arm hanging out the window, permanently inking the memory of her touch on his skin.

Overwhelmed. Kaya was so overwhelmed. 

As he closed his eyes, anger momentarily took over him. Followed by worry. Confusion. Relief. 

The soft undulations of her love confessions had been his best kept-secret throughout the years, intimate whispers meant for his ears alone.. concessions he was starting to believe he had hallucinated in the past months. Until today. Her public acknowledgment of their love had made the knots in his chest burst into flames, molten lava seeped through his veins, awakening every inch of his being. The last time he had felt this alive was the day he had allowed himself to hope, even for a few seconds, that their union had bloomed into something new before the universe crushed his soul into a million pieces.

Heartbreak. Regret. Longing. 

Guarded behind the shadows clouding her gaze, he could see it dancing in her eyes, mirroring his own. It made him yearn for quietude, he wanted to finally put his armour down in defeat, give into the one emotion he’d stopped himself from feeling for weeks.

The feel of the sun settling down at his eye level burned through his lashes, interrupting his racing thoughts. Kaya squinted lightly before opening his eyes to discover the sky ablaze in an ethereal show of amber lights. The familiarity of the hues softened the strain in his eyes, as fondness climbed into his chest with the thought of jasmine scent and burning wood fire on a winter night. Her honey eyes had lit up in a similar painting, melting into his as they promised themselves to one another. 

He raised his hand above his face, briefly shading himself from the surge of emotion when he noticed the ring sitting on his fourth finger. Slipping it out of its nest, he held the little gold hoop between his digits and stared at the hidden engraved name on the inside… Zerrin. 

Oh Ipek.. it’ll never be over.

7 years ago… on a spring afternoon.

Kaya was sure his legs were going to explode with how fast he was running down the street to Zerrin’s. His breath, sharp and frantic, was accentuated by the “you’re so dead” warnings his mind was sending him with every step he took towards to her house.

Zerrin was going to kill him. She was going to end his life.

He had promised to take her to the Mardin library to finish her final school project of the semester, insisted she’d wait for his basketball practice to end so she wouldn’t have to walk those empty streets unaccompanied and he’d just… fell asleep. Depleted from the miles the coach had made them run under the afternoon burning sun, the quick water break he took under a hidden tree had turned into a 3-hour nap he was never going to recover from. His 24 phone calls had been left unanswered and his 56 texts mocked him with consecutive Read notifications. He had no choice but to kneel and beg. 

The few pebbles he had thrown at her room’s window ricocheted back onto his head, and Kaya knew he was done for. Sighing heavily, he hid his backpack behind his cousin’s car parked outside and climbed his usual way up the wall of his uncle’s house.

“You know the front door is right there, don’t you?”, a voice came out from above and Kaya nearly fell back down from surprise. 

Şahin, his older cousin, was leaning against the lower wall that opened up to the mansion’s main balcony, watching him with a smirk while he was struggling to stabilize his left leg in a wall dent. He grabbed both of Kaya’s arms and pulled him up to the main court, dusting the stone dust off of his basketball uniform. 

“You’re late, dude.”

Leaning over to catch his breath, his hands holding onto his sides in an attempt to subside the stitch that was stabbing at his abdomen, he wheezed, “How mad is she?”

“She’s not home, she’s out painting, down by the river.”

“So really mad, then…”

“Yep. Go in and drink some water first. And take a shower, you smell.”

Şahin patted his shoulder and lowered his voice as he said “Mom and Dad drove out to Mardin for a wedding celebration, they won’t be back until late at night. You got the evening..”. Kaya watched his cousin walk away, not without a subtle wink, before dropping his gaze to his watch and cursing under his breath. He was so late. 

══════════════════

Zerrin felt him, before even hearing the familial rhythm of his steps quietly approaching her. The smell of roasted pistachios reached her and she decided in that moment that she wasn’t mad at Kaya. How could she ever be…

“You’re late.”

Kaya stopped in his tracks, his arms heavy with food containers he had begged Ümmü to sacrifice for the evening. 

“How on earth did you know I was here?” 

Zerrin shrugged, her back still facing him. “People can smell the baklava you’re hiding from miles away. Nuts or pistachio?”

Kaya grinned. “Both!”

He ran towards the lonely wide oak tree, where Zerrin had already laid down a blanket and set her art supplies aside, and placed his culinary offerings and backpack under the lowest hanging branch. A few feet away from the edge of the river, the glorious tree had been their refuge for most of their childhood and teenage life. Several wooden branches split in all directions, weighed by the memories of wild climbing children and afternoon naps under the Mesopotamian sun, the green foliage offering protection from the harsh and arid climate of the region, but also the intrusion of their family elders. 

He sat down and observed the trunk against which he’d spent most of his summer nights. He smiled at the little curve that sat between the engraved K and Z, right in the middle of the tree. He had stolen Cihan’s pocket knife a few years back, and had decided to carve out his and his best friend’s initials, commemorating their Albora hangout. Excited at the prospect of marking their territory, Şahin had joined in in engraving his own initial before a shriek from a 10-year old Zerrin had stopped him in his tracks, lecturing him on the harm he was inflicting on the poor tree. He was secretly convinced she had intervened because she wanted to keep the tree for themselves. It was always Zerrin and Kaya. Only Kaya and Zerrin, since the two of them had learned how to walk, and she hated the idea of her brother coming between them.

He ran his hand on the chiseled letters, lingering on the familiar Z -his good luck charm, with shaking fingers before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. Why was he so nervous today?  

Walking back to the edge of the beach, where she had set up her easel and tiny wooden stool, he stopped a few meters away, finally allowing himself to look at her. Standing in front of her canvas, she was a perfect tableau standing before him, a multitude of colors invading his mind as the sun, lowering in the horizon, was lighting sparks across her beautiful dark brown hair. She was fire, against the lively river simmering behind her in greens and blues, her locks dancing in the fresh spring breeze like a spell luring him toward his demise. 

She was wearing his favorite sundress of hers while the sage green apron he had gotten for her birthday hung around her neck, loosened up at the back as always. He walked over to her, carefully pulling out dessert out of a tiny carton. 

“Open, it’s still warm.”

Zerrin turned to face him, her breath getting caught in her throat as he put a small bite of baklava between her lips. She felt her cheeks burn as he swiped his thumb over her lower lip, setting off the pastry crumbs, his eyes focused on her plump mouth before lowering his hand quickly to his side. Way too quickly…

Chewing carefully, she watched his eyes trace her face and hair as she says “Did you think you could come here and bribe me with food, and I would just forget everything?”

“You got paint all over yourself again. What is the point of that apron?”

She rolls her eyes and turns to her painting while mumbling, “You’re not going to distract me, Kaya…”

Soon enough, she felt his hands come behind her at her waist, pulling the ties in a tight knot, tugging her against his hard chest in the process. Her heart nearly stopped as his fingers slid against her skin, pulling her wild hair aside to sit neatly against her right shoulder.

“It’s almost sunset, you’re gonna lose out on the light…”, his deep tone against her ear sent a shiver down her spine. His voice had turned into a gruff in the past year, and she had spent hours making fun of the fascinating change, but the bass rumbling in her chest every time he spoke, still holding a softness at the edge whenever he addressed her in particular, was starting to make her feel…different.

Taking a deep breath, she cleared her throat before responding.

“Don’t worry about it. I know those colors by heart.”

She did in fact know those colors by heart. 

A painting etched onto her brain. A family gathering at dusk to celebrate a fruitful harvest. Her cousins and brother chasing off a stubborn colony of bats. A stray nocturnal flyer roaming around her head as the brightest September full moon finally settled down the valley in an unnerving show of light. Right there where she stood, seven years ago, he had held her hand and settled his palm on her wet cheek, “Don’t be scared. It won’t touch you. I’ll never let anything happen to you.” The words had echoed in her mind as the moonlight softened in his eyes, taking the color of woods at twilight. A shade unique to her favorite person, to her favorite river.

She turned to meet his eyes and smiled as she watched the familiar hues she’d been gazing at for hours scatter around in his iris. She raised her flat brush to his face and swiped a thin line across his cheek, right below his left eye. The moss-green acrylic stroke glistened as the setting sun lit a fire in identically-colored eyes. Perfect match.

Standing still, watching her eyes dance in excitement before him, Kaya grumbled “Can’t you at least add a second darker line, so it looks like I have war paint on?”. Zerrin grinned and shook her head, as she dipped her brush back in her palette and resumed her gentle strokes on her nearly finished canvas. 

“Go eat, I know you’re hungry. I’ll be over in a second.”

══════════════════

Kaya was used to spending hours watching Zerrin paint. As an energetic wild child who was ravaged by boredom most of the time, he’d quickly found out that observing her sketch and color was the most calming activity he could partake in. But not today… Kaya could barely focus on her with the weight of the little metal hoop buried in his pocket, burning a hole into his skin. 

He had decided he was going to ask her to marry him one day on his 15th birthday, and the ring he had gotten at a vintage jewelry shop in Midyat had not separated him ever since. But how could he entertain the idea when he could not even keep his most simple promises to her. Hell, did she even know how much she meant to him… Would she even feel the same…His finger drew circles around the shape on his thigh, as he recalled her smiles adorning her face whenever she would walk down the school’s hallway. She was always so friendly towards everyone she’d met… but she never looked at anyone the way she’d look at him. That’s what he had believed until that moment anyway. This wasn’t the first time Kaya had let her down, what if he had just ruined his chances forever… Doubt crawled into his veins, while his heart ached at the knowledge that he could never feel whole unless she became his. 

Sensing her moving in his direction, he shook his pants in an attempt to make the ring shape disappear and settled back against the tree trunk, his jacket folded into a make-shape pillow behind his head.

“Are you finished?”, he asked while watching her throw her shoes away and drop down on the blanket next to him. He pushed his jacket towards her and they laid side by side, watching the sky above them take on a multitude of colors as the sun stepped further away in the horizon.

“Not yet”, she says in a sigh. “I have yet to paint the moon. I’ve missed it for a couple of weeks, and I need to witness it in its full glory to get it perfectly!”. She raised her arms to the sky, animated by the thought of the majestic celestial object, forming a croissant before their eyes. Kaya chuckled, “I thought you knew those colors by heart.”

Zerrin elbowed Kaya playfully in the ribs, and rested her head on his shoulder, letting the breeze sway wisps of hair on her face, engulfing her with his warm pine and blond woods scent. Kaya’s scent.

“I’m really sorry about today…”, he whispers. 

“It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to… I managed to submit my project anyway. You can always come with me to the observatory if you wanna make it up to me. I can’t carry all my supplies up that hill.”

“Whatever you need, let’s go now!”

She chuckled at his enthusiasm and hummed, “No, not today… I have to wait a few days for the moon to be full and low in the horizon. That’s when the whole valley lights up, even at dusk.” Sighing heavily, Zerrin added, “I wish I could just pick it out from the sky, so I can watch it whenever I want, hang it on my ceiling every night. Don’t you?”

“No”, he laughed.

“What? But why? Look at it. It’s wonderful.”

Kaya turned to her and smiled, before saying “I am looking at it. It is wonderful. I wouldn’t dare come near it though…” 

Zerrin’s eyes went wide and she turned her lips down, whispering in a dramatic tone “But… but she’s so beautiful.”

He snorts and swipes a finger down her nose bridge affectionately. “Get those puppy eyes away from me!” Turning to watch the clouds veer into darker reds and blues, he continued.

“You’re right, she is so beautiful… so beautiful it’s almost haunting. I look at her everyday. She always shines, night and day. You know… I tell all my secrets to the moon, she keeps them tucked in her shadows, and I know they’ll always be safe with her. I will always be safe with her. She’s so special that I’m worried if I just pick her out of the sky, she will fade away in my hands… If… if she becomes mine, my darkness will swallow her up and the world will lose its light and blur away. But…” His voice drifts off, and Kaya closes his eyes, longing tugging at his heartstrings as he finally voices his soul’s deepest wish.

“But I really want her to be mine…”

His voice broke on that last word but he couldn’t get himself to open his eyes again, for fear of seeing confusion in her eyes, disappointment, or worse… rejection. The deafening racing beat of his heart in his ears filled the silence around him. There was no turning back from now on. 

Kaya wasn’t sure what had happened next, but the loss of warmth on his left side and the rustling around him crowded him with unease. His insistence on keeping his eyes squeezed, in an unusual bout of insecurity, kept him unaware of Zerrin’s move to grab her chisel from her supply case to carve out the tree trunk standing tall behind them. A curve that laid unfinished for years, a heart she was waiting to complete on the day he would finally be ready.

With a smile on her face, she finally pulled her tool down and sat back to watch him. She had never seen him so nervous, so doubtful, a frown pinching his forehead in the most heart-wrenching way. It tore her apart that he had been so oblivious to the fact that she had loved him just as much, perhaps a little more, perhaps even longer. But all she wanted in that moment was to get lost in his green eyes until death did them apart. 

“Kaya?”

He slowly opened his eyes and turned to find glistening honey eyes watching him intently. His hand swiftly came up to catch a falling tear from her eye, when her right hand slipping in his brought him to a stop. 

“She’s always been yours”, she finally whispered.

His eyes blurred in an ocean of tears he didn’t know he was holding, and as she raised her other hand to wipe a few drops away, mirroring him, he finally noticed the engraving behind her.

K ♡ Z 

Midyat Yonca Hospital. 

Day of the accident. Later at night…

Cold. It was cold in the waiting area. So cold that she was starting to feel the chill seep into her veins, slowing down her racing heart. Her right hand absentmindedly reached for her lower belly, rubbing small circles as she watched sleep slowly take over Demir, before her. He had dropped to the floor, against the glass window separating them from Nadim’s bed in the Intensive Care Unit. Seemingly mumbling under his breath, his eyes were closed, barely paying attention to her. 

She needed to see Kaya. She needed to see him now. 

Slipping away from the ICU’s main entrance, she stepped out into the hallway just in time to watch her brother and cousins walking away from room 203. Şahin had texted her earlier, confirming he was in stable condition and had been moved to a regular room earlier that evening, but she had to make sure. She needed to feel his pulse beating along with her own.

══════════════════

The numbers on the door were starting to mock her. She had been staring at the blue-coloured door for so long that the digits were starting to move and stars were dancing around in her eyes. She hadn’t been this scared when she tiptoed down the hallway, but she was now starting to reconsider her decision. 

What if he was in a worse state than she had been told?

What if Demir found out she had scurried away to Kaya’s side?

What if… what if he didn’t want to see her? 

She was about to retrace her steps back, when she felt a hand reach behind her and turn the handle, revealing the dimly-lit room.

“Go in. He’s asleep for now, but you should go in.” 

She turned to find her brother watching her with a pitiful look in his eyes, and she let a grateful smile adorn her face before she walked into the hospital room. As the door closed behind her, the violent smell of disinfectant invaded her nostrils and she stopped in her tracks as her eyes finally settled on him.

His left shoulder and abdomen were fully bandaged, while his chest was left exposed, revealing the extent of his injures. A sheet had been draped over his lower body, loose enough to show his now cast-clad left leg. The words shouted by the medics, that she had buried earlier that day, came back to her slowly. 

Severe burns on the left shoulder… Possible femur fracture…Be careful, lacerations on his face, back, chest and the majority of his right leg.

Always full of life, bearing the traces of hours spent under the Mardin sun, his body looked so broken now, paling by every step she took towards him. The constant beeping of the machines he was plugged into was the only sign that he was still alive. As she reached the bed with shaking limbs, she nearly collapsed in the chair that was left by his side, at the sight of his face half-covered by an oxygen mask, his features contorted with pain.

Interlacing her hand with his still one, she let a deep breath out as she felt his warmth flowing through her own. Rough and scarred, but tender under her touch, just like she remembered. She watched the frown in his forehead disappear, and her face flushed as she watched his body relax under her touch. 

She let a finger trace his rugged palm, and smiled as she recalled the first time she had felt it slip against hers. Once so soft, she had found comfort in feeling it melt against her throughout the years, even as time had left its unforgiving marks on him. His hardened knuckles, she had countlessly cleaned patches of blood off, as heartbreak and anger invaded his soul with the passing of his father. Her digit pursued the trail of his veins, up to his forearm, a road she knew oh so well, a path she could get lost into and always find her way back. 

Her finger hovered over the now bandaged skin, until she reached the sliver of skin that was left unscathed from the accident. Her own name, itched on the now pale skin above his heart, was staring back at her and she quickly looked away as she felt her eyes burning, threatening to well up at any moment. That’s when she noticed his silver chain, dangling down his right shoulder, resting too tightly against his neck. She frowned as she got back to her feet, his hand still in hers, wondering how the medical staff had ignored the presence of the chocking hazard. 

She tucked a finger under the chain to drag it away from under his neck and adjust it on his chest, when her knuckle connects with a metal hoop that makes her stomach drop. 

“Leave it… I put it back on.”

Her head snapped and her heart almost bursts as she finds two moss-green eyes staring back at her with intensity. His rough voice fills her with relief, but the exhaustion and strain in his tone opens up another crack in her heart. 

“Kaya… you’re… you’re okay”, her breath catches in her throat. 

She frantically looked around her, trying to locate the water pitcher, the call bell, anything that might soothe him, when she felt his right hand engulf hers and rest it on top of his chest. Zerrin’s eyes grow wide as she realizes she’d been holding onto a metal band this entire time. A ring. His wedding ring. She turned her hand in his and stared at the golden band as the faint light reflected her engraved name back to her and she felt her eyes fill with tears she’d been containing for hours. Weeks even. 

“Don’t cry…Zerrin, please don’t cry”, he whispers through his oxygen mask. 

Her soft honey eyes rose to meet his own and she let her tears fall as his right hand softly came up to hold her cheek. She let herself melt under his caress, his thumb gently swiping away in a comforting rhythm, as she watched memories of spring escapades through blooming wheat fields come to life in his glistening green eyes. Not a worry in the world, they used to be so young, they used to be so in love… Taken aback by the intensity of her emotions, she squeezed her eyelids shut before she finally says, “why are you wearing this around your neck Kaya?”.

His thumb came to a still stop on her cheek before dropping down to her lower lip and resting there. Her heart nearly stops at his touch but Zerrin finds herself unable to move, spellbound by the fervor of his clouded gaze on her. 

“Why, Kaya?”, she repeats. 

He barely moves as he whispers “you know why…”. 

“Do I, really… do I?” She releases herself from his hold and takes a few steps back, keeping a safe distance between them, as she reassesses the man laying in front of her. What was even she doing, standing in his room in the middle of the night.. 

“A few hours ago you were telling me you were moving on with someone else, hell, you’ve even went bride shopping at my university…”, she scoffs. “And now you’re doing this? Why are you doing this to me Kaya? Why are you so intent on hurting me?”

Kaya shakes his head in frustration and takes the mask off of his face, tearing it away from both of them. “Do you think I want to hurt you Zerrin? Do you think this was any easy on me?” He starts heaving in between every few words, agitated, and Zerrin runs to hold him still, slipping her hand back into his. 

“Kaya, please…”, she tries to stop him.

“I almost died today Zerrin, and all I could think of when it was happening was that you probably hate me now. That I won’t be able to see your eyes ever again.” The accelerating beeping of the heart monitor was starting to alarm her, the color rising on his cheeks a sign that his lungs were starting to give out from the exertion. 

“Kaya, your mask, you won’t be able to breathe…”, she pleads at him.

He coughs a few times before he turns sullen. “Does it matter? I can’t breathe anyway.. Not today, not ever. Not with the thought of you stuck under that monster’s roof. Not with the thought of you carrying his child.”

The last sentence makes Zerrin rear back away from him, walking to the far end of the room by the window as she takes several breaths to calm herself down. 

“Zerrin… Zerrin, look at me. Did he.. did he hurt you”, he finally lets out in a broken voice. 

She muffles a sob and crosses her arms around her waist. Had he hurt her… yes, but not any way Kaya was thinking. Demir had hurt her, but her soul ached even more at the thought of Kaya’s biting last words. At the thought of him giving up on her, even for just a moment.

She swallows back her tears, and turns to him, the smile on her face not reaching her eyes. “I’m really happy Kaya… you’re alive, you’re still here. I was so scared, so so scared but you’re okay.” She walks to him, readjusting the oxygen mask over his face, trying to keep her composure of fear of breaking down again. 

“I never want anything bad to happen to you, you know that don’t you…”

“Zerrin…”

So uncomfortable. Ada was so uncomfortable.

The lovely summer breeze and the tweeting birds were supposed to take her back to where she felt the most at home, Bursa’s lovely grass fields.

But all she could focus on was the feeling of her legs knocking into Bora Doğrusöz’s knees.

Cross-legged, awkward flailing arms at her side, she could not believe she let herself be dragged to a meditation couple session with the one person she could never relax around.

It was his idea. It was his idea after all. Bora was repeating that sentence over and over again in his mind, as he watched a dangerously close Ada fidgeting before his eyes.

You can hold hands if you’d like, and rest them on your laps.. or you could also rest your hands on your knees or your own lap.

Ada looked around nervously, noting every couple around them was holding hands, leaning in closer than before, foreheads almost knocking against one another.

She looked back down to her lap, realizing Bora had put out both his hands towards her, ready to hold hers. Her breath caught in her throat once she noticed his forearms exposed, the visible veins traveling down to his fingertips almost calling for her.

She wanted to trace along the protruding lines, remember the feel of his arms that were still holding her tight when she had woken up that morning and-

“Ada?”

Her head snapped back up in his surprise, and she realized Bora was intently watching her as her mind drifted once again to an unsettling place.

“Are you okay?”

His low whisper hit her like a storm and she felt herself shiver, the sound-wave traveling down her spine, engulfing her entire soul. She let out a muffled “mhmm”, as she tightly clasped her hands in her own lap and tried to look away, avoiding his gaze.

“Ada”, he firmly whispered at her. “Just hold my hands.”

She heavily exhaled and grunted at him before giving in and freeing her hands.

He chuckled and shook his head at her, as she started muttering nonsense under her breath.

A familiar “pis, pis, pis” left her lips while she slid her hands into his, and Bora felt his heart jump into his chest, her warmth seeping into his cold palms.

Her fingertips molting against him, he couldn’t help but wrap his fingers around her hands. He had forgotten how small they were, too busy being angry at her on the first day they had met to realize how perfectly they fit into his own.

He could feel her slowly relaxing against him and Bora finally let a breath out, letting his body sink down onto the mat, his knees further pushing against hers in a comfortable position.

Start to make eye contact. It may feel uncomfortable when you look into other people’s eyes for too long, but across from you is hopefully someone that you trust and feel very safe with. Just look into each other’s eyes, and don’t do anything else.

Bora’s eyes flew to find her big orbs, a haunting shade of green that clutched his soul and pulled him a mere 10cm away from her.

Sensing his body suddenly growing closer to her, Ada shut her eyes and her hands gripped onto his as she started reciting her peculiar incantation once again.

“Duman, Duman.. pis.. pis.. pis”

She was crazy. She had to be crazy, thought Bora, as he watched her lips utter the bizarre spell. His gaze traveled up her cheeks, lingering on her fluttering eyelashes for a while before landing on the lovely worry crinkles around her closed eyes.

“Duman, Duman..”

A spell dragging him down back again to her plump lower lip, his gaze hanging onto every breath leaving her mouth. A sudden breeze interrupted his exploration, ruffling through Ada’s hair and waving a few locks against her nose.

He watched her contorted face, amused, as she tried to push her hair out with her tongue, her hands still entrapped by his, her eyes refusing to open up to meet his.

She was so stubborn, and it made him laugh.

She was so adorable, and it made his heart sink for a moment before he decided to put her out of her misery.

Running his thumb gently against her wrist, he reluctantly let go of her hand and raised it to her tortured face.

He lightly brushed off a few strands, his fingers lingering on her soft cheek, when her eyes fluttered open in surprise at this gesture.

There they were. Bright and clear. Colored green, a shade he never wanted to forget. He slid his hand across her face, tucking her hair behind her ear, his eyes never leaving hers, her gaze locked onto his.

Take a deep breath to clean your space and your energy, release it all in an exhale as you lay against each other’s knees.. you’re starting fresh, together. white and black, blending into one another.

Knees.. knees?

“Lay against the what now?”, spit Bora, turning around to observe his surroundings, his hand still on Ada’s face.

As he watched in panic while the other couples lay in an unconventional yin & yang position, two hands suddenly appeared above them, pushing them down to the yoga mat and adjusting their bodies in a suspiciously violent manner.

While the instructor was showing her discontent to being interrupted, Ada was still absentmindedly staring at his face, all nervousness strangely leaving her body.

Her head rested against his thigh as he let his own softly plop onto her knee. She took a deep breath and let the instructor’s words take her mind away.

Follow the flow of your body movements, the rise and fall each other’s chests as you carry on breathing in and breathing out.

She had never realized how familiar his presence was to her, how comfortable she felt against his body when she let her mind roam free..

She watched him take a breath and let out a sigh, as his eyes delved deeper into hers once again.. just as dark as they were a few night before in his home kitchen. She could still feel his breath blow against her cheek during that night, his body heat burning against hers, his lips getting dangerously close to her.

You’re connecting deeply, as the energy flows within you in a circle.

She closed her eyes and the wind blowing on her face once again awakened the memory of his body leaning against hers. She wanted to get close, hear him whisper against her ear. Closer, secret kisses peppered gently on her neck. A little bit more and..

A circle of life connecting your two souls..

She felt his hand sneak up her own, his thumb slowly rubbing the inside of her wrist, interrupting her thoughts.

“What happened Ada? You drifted off once again”

She stared at his face for a bit and smiled to herself “I was thinking of Duman..”

It was nearly 4AM when the rumbling of the thunder made the wooden floor against Serkan’s body shake. He had been lying there for a few hours, inert and eyes closed; his irregular breaths were the only proof that the man was still alive. The wide open curtains let some light inside the pitch-dark room, lightning flashing across the sky for a fifth time, revealing the state of the summer house’s master bedroom. It had been left untouched since the last time they’d both been here. Sheets that still held her scent, pillows against which her head rested were laying on the bed, a moment frozen in time that he hadn’t dared to disturb. The mirror in front of which she stood that morning, fixing her earrings, was covered by a small woollen blanket, hiding the glass debris from his last anger fit. He had stared at his haggard reflection for a few minutes before throwing the glass of water he was holding in hand, hoping to erase traces of his guilt from his eyes, to smooth the pain out of his forehead wrinkles.. alas. The cold seeping from the squeaky wooden floor helped calm him a little.. it was the only part of the house left that wasn’t mocking him with yet another memory of her.

She was everywhere, and traces of her made his heart race.

She was everywhere, and guilt ate him up until it was too painful to stand.

She was everywhere, yet her absence made his soul ache until he collapsed on his bedroom floor and let sadness consume his soul away.

Another booming sound made the windows violently shake, and a startled Serkan hissed as his right hand landed on a pile of glass shards. He plopped himself onto his elbow and absently looked at his bloody hand before turning to the door and staring into the darkness.

She won’t come, she doesn’t wanna see me ever again..

Three days prior, he watched her leave his parents house like a storm, holding her head in a panicked state. His mother had told her everything, and she was long gone before he could attempt to stop her. He had asked his mother to stay out of it less than an hour before, and yet there he stood in shock. She’d found out the truth and left without looking back. He had lost his chance to explain himself, to drop to his knees and beg for her forgiveness, to maybe catch a last glance of her face.. because Eda Yıldız was gone, and her broken eyes were the last thing he had laid eyes upon.

After driving around town looking for her for the past two days, Serkan had decided to go back home -his summer house, the place where he last saw her smile and let himself get lost in her embrace. She’ll come back, he’d whispered to himself the prior night, before he let himself drop on the floor of his freezing cold room.

thump, thump, thump

Serkan blinked a few times, before laying on his back again.

thump, thump, thump

Serkan sighed as he opened his eyes again and turned his head towards the window. The rain was only slight pouring, a few cats might have infiltrated the property again.

thump, thump, thump

He let a frustrated grunt out before jumping to his feet and looking out the window. The lights in the garden were off, but he could discern a silhouette kneeling over the plants in the veranda. Hair flowing in the violent wind, the girl was actively shoveling the wet soil with a small wooden log. He chuckled at the sight before him and shook his head. She was throwing a fit even in his imagination. She was a dream, she would never show up after finding the truth out. She could only be a dream, not even his prayers would make her come back for him. She was definitely a dream, but he had to check for himself.. just in case.

Grabbing another throw blanket from the corner armchair, he quietly made his way to the hall, and out of the house. The lights were still off in every room, but he could see her clearly through the glass sliding doors. She was sitting on the lowest step leading to the gazebo, and was attempting to move the small petunias to dig more holes in the ground. The moon was casting a light all over her, and he wished he could catch a glimpse of her face, trace the lining of her soft jaw with his eyes, feel his heart melt at the sight of her plump lips. He was facing her back however, and her abrupt frustrated movements were a reflection of her state of mind. Cladded in a thin black shirt, she was shivering as the pouring rain continuously soaked her garment. That shirt.. his shirt. Serkan took a deep breath and slid the door open.

"Eda...”

He saw her jump in her spot and hold the wooden log up as a weapon, before she turned around to see him towering over her. Her eyes never met his, she quickly turned to her gardening like nothing had interrupted her labor. The rain soaking Serkan's hair wet made him snap out of his reverie. He grabbed the blanket that was slipping from his hand and put it on her silently, still watching her every move, unable to say a word. “How did you know I was here?”, she finally muttered. Serkan didn't reply and adjusted the blanket around her shoulder before stepping away and sitting on a cushion, facing her.  Her eyes were dark and focused, she looked like she hadn't slept for a few days. A permanent frown now adorning her forehead, she was biting the inside of her cheek as she continuously stabbed the soil.   "There's a few rocks under there, you might wanna try a different corner"" Her head snapped back up, her eyes shooting daggers at him "No, this is perfect". “It's 4AM, you’re going to freeze here” "Just go home” "I am home" He saw her roll her eyes, so he added "This is home. I live here now. I moved out of my parents’ house. " Eda dropped the log in her hand and finally looked at him. She tightened the blanket around her arms and shoulders and tilted her head, studying his face. He could see a million questions flash in her eyes, but she remained quiet and proceeded to grab a small tin box from her pocket. He recognized the little container where she kept her flower seeds, a gift from her mother she always held on so dearly. “I forgot to sow them here as well, I wanted to plant a few in this spot.” Serkan shuffled a little more towards her and watched her grab a few seeds and position them in the little holes she had formed. "Are .. are you sure you don't want to plant them a little further.. there's more space in the garden", he mumbled. He was trying to be as nonchalant as possible, but his shaky raspy voice had betrayed him. He had expected her to throw things at him, scream and shout, but Eda sat in front of him with unnerving composure, as if nothing had been wrong with the world. "No it has to be here. Right here." Here.. Right where time had stopped for them and all voices but theirs had been silenced. Right where he had kissed her like there was no tomorrow, and promised himself he would hold onto her until the end of time. Here where the two of them had confirmed their love for each other, and let happiness take over for a night. It was a little over a week ago, but it seemed like an eternity for Serkan Bolat. There they were again, sitting right where passion claimed their hearts, yet their souls had never felt so apart from each other. The rain had slowed down while Eda was busy covering the seeds in fresh wet soil with her bare hands. The uneasy silence was weighing on his chest, but Serkan found himself unable to say another word. His anxiety grew as he watched her shake the dirt off her hands and jump on her feet, ready to leave again. He trailed behind her, as she determinedly walked towards the house in her dirty wet clothes, when she abruptly turned to face him again.

"What about your mom?"

Serkan stopped in his tracks and lowered his gaze towards her. She was so close, he could feel her familiar scent engulfing him already, like a poison intoxicating every cell of his body. He gulped again, the lump in his throat thickening with every breath he took.

"My mom?"

His eyes found hers, confused, full of concern, sadness that buried the life that used to burn inside her. It tore his heart apart, it made him so angry. At his parents, at himself, at fate that had so long played with his own life and had decided to mess with her as well.

"Eda how can you be thinking of my mother right now?", he shook his head in disbelief.

"I know it pains you to leave your mother behind, after all she’s been through. I see it in your eyes, it’s killing you."

She was staring at him more intently and Serkan couldn't handle the proximity anymore. He stepped away, catching his breath, holding his head as the tension reached his temples.

"I can’t, I can’t do it. I can't do this anymore. I can’t stay there, I can't be under the same roof as them knowing what my dad has done Eda. What he's done to you Eda."

"And yet, you’re taking responsibility for it all Serkan".

Her calm and cold demeanor was driving him crazy. Serkan pushed inside the house and started pacing in the living room, unable to stay calm.

"How are you so calm Eda? How can you think of them right now, how are you not angry at them?"

She grabbed the blanket still hanging around her shoulders and threw it at him.

"I AM angry Serkan, I am so angry I want to scream my lungs out!"

"Then scream, shout, say something Eda, I can't handle seeing you like this."

"Stop telling me what to do Serkan, stop trying to control my feelings, STOP IT!" she yelled, throwing the one tin she was holding in her hand to the floor.

Hundreds of tiny seeds were already scattered on the floor before Serkan could even react. In a moment, Eda had collapsed on the floor, in panic..

"Oh no, no, no.. Mom.. no.."

Serkan hurried over to turn the lights on and ran towards Eda kneeling on the floor when a punch landed on his shoulder, and another, and another.

"I don't need your help! Stay away from me!"

Her cheeks were glistening with tears and he felt his hand reach her face, wiping away her sadness when another punch pushed him further away from her. She grabbed a pillow from the couch to her left and threw it at him, before she pushed his chest again, hit his arm, his shoulder again. Serkan just closed his eyes, taking it all in, the sound of her sobbing hurting his soul more than anything in that moment. A final slap to his face startled the both of them, and Eda finally gave in and dropped to her knees in front of him.

"Stop ignoring me Serkan Bolat! Fight back! Do something!"

Her disheveled hair was sticking to her face, patches of dirt tracing her jaw, his black shirt still clinging onto her skin. He moved forward, and grabbed her face with both his hands, desperately trying to calm her down. Eda finally closed her eyes and softened at his touch, bringing her own hands up to hold his own. Her icy cold hands melted his soul, and he felt the walls of his heart crumble down as an ocean of overwhelming emotions flooded every bit of his being.

Tears filling his eyes, blood gushing out of his palm, he couldn't hold it in any longer..

"Your hand.."

"It's nothing..", he whispered as he rested his forehead against hers.

"I hate you.."

"I know.."

"It wasn't your decision to make.."

"I had to.."

"I promised to be your breath for the rest of time, but you took my breath away and ran from me.."

"Eda.."

He felt her eyes on him, piercing through his soul, asking so many questions, so many whys he was not ready to answer yet.

"Look at me..Serkan look at me."

"I can’t look you in the eye Eda.."

"Serkan.."

She pushed herself away from him and he held her wrists in his hands, unwilling to let her go, yet unable to look at her hypnotizing chocolate orbs.

"They.. my parents..", he took a deep breath before carrying on. "My family is the reason you lost yours, the reason you lost your childhood"

"They stole your childhood too Serkan.", she retorted.

"This is not about me, Eda.."

"No, you’re right. It’s about us, the both of us."

He felt her finger on his chin, raising his face to meet his broken eyes.

"I don't think I can forgive them, any of them.. my grandmother, the people behind the accident, your dad, his company.. but you.."

"Eda, I'm the heir to that holding group, I'm my dad's son, I am just as responsible as-"

Unable to finish his sentence, Serkan dropped his head down, shivering as his chest tightened again in anger and frustration.

"You're not."

He sensed a tear drop on his cheek, and felt his heart dropping at the sight of her sudden tears mirroring his own.

"I don't blame you Serkan.."

She kissed his tear away and his chin trembled, before he collapsed in her arms, quiet sobs escaping his throat. He felt her hands slid around his shoulders and hold onto him, like a plea for him to stay. Tightening his grip on her, he felt her heart race against his chest, as his own slowed down to a regular pace.

"You're punishing the both of us Serkan..", she whispered in his neck.

"I've only brought pain and anger to your life, all I've managed to do is make you cry and break your heart. I'm just like my dad, I destroy everyone I get close to.."

"That's not true.."

"I love you..",

He felt her tears on his shirt and wiped his own, before planting a kiss on her shoulder.

"But I don't deserve you.."

"Yeah, you don't", she sniffed. He backed away to take a look at her face, and his eyes softened when he saw the small smile on his face.

"You're a coward"

"I was never the courageous one."

“You make me go mad, I wish I could stay away from you.. but I feel like my soul is being shredded when you’re not around..”

“I’m sorry..”

"I'm not leaving"

"I don't want you to."

She nodded and slid on the floor to rest her back against the leather couch. Serkan looked around him, screening the dirt and the seeds scattered all around the carpet.

"We should probably get them back in your tin box".

She shivered and hugged her own arms before shrugging "No, just let them grow in the middle of the living room, let them invade your house."

Serkan chuckled and settled next to her, his left arm warming up against hers. "Yes, tiny little laurel trees in every corner that will remind me of you at any moment".

Eda turned around to look at him credulously, and smiled as she remembered the night they had watched the stars in front of Apollo's Temple in Antalya.

Feeling her eyes on him, Serkan turned around and raised his eyebrows.

"What?"

"You're no Apollo".

"I'm not?", he smirked.

"You're not... And I'm not Daphne. I don't wanna run away from you."

She slid her hand in his and laid her head back against his shoulder. "I'm not a tree you can set on fire and leave behind you Serkan."

Burying his face in her hair, he whispered "No, you're not.. you survive every fire and spread your beauty all around .. just like a protea.."

Eda let go of his hand and turned around to look at him, big eyes, mouth slightly open in shock "How do you.."

He sighed and muttered under his breath "I may or may not have read your little flower book.. the one you were carrying in your bag on the first day we met".

Tears were pooling again in her eyes, so Serkan grabbed her wrist and softly ran his fingers on her forearm, visibly trying to change the topic.

"We should get out of these wet clothes"

"Serkan..

"You also need to sleep, it's nearly 5-".

Serkan stopped in his tracks as she gently cupped his cheek and ran her finger against his skin, resting her forehead against his.

“You may not believe in fate but I do.. they left me first, but I know they sent you to me.”

“Eda..”

“Serkan let me.. These scars have been slashed open and it’ll take time.. a really long time to let them close back up peacefully.. I know your scars are just as deep as mine, and I won’t let myself heal if you’re not healing with me.”

He let a sigh out he didn’t know he was holding and nudged his nose against hers.

“I still hate you, Serkan Bolat.”

“Congratulations again! Give us at least a week notice for your wedding next time, I want to have my best suit ready!”

Serkan chuckled as he watched the last car leave their driveway, and finally let out a breath of relief. The engagement party was finally over, his deal was signed, he was now engaged to Eda..

Eda! He quickened his pace towards the house as his eyes scanned every corner around him to locate her. She had retreated earlier from the party, citing a light headache. He was surprised she had held on for so long by his side, considering the heavy turnout at the party. The lights, the music, the crowd, his mother had given that party her all in true Bolat fashion. He had grown quite worried that the event would trigger a new panic attack, as they continuously greeted new guests and made their way through the night.

The lights were still on in the entire house, and he spotted her outside his room fumbling with Seyfi’s abandoned iPad. Soft music was playing through the speakers, a nice change from the jazz quartet that had milked their entire catalogue and guest requests throughout the night.

She had thrown her shoes aside, and was rubbing her right arm with her small left hand, slightly shivering as the morning fog was starting to set on the property. Her hair was dancing to the melody, left and right, her bangs swayed by the soft breeze that was blowing on the Bolat house.

Serkan felt his chest tighten as he recalled seeing her in that gorgeous yellow dress earlier in the day. He had stopped himself from running his finger down her spine, as he slowly zipped her dress up. She smelled like flowers all the time, all he wanted was to bury himself in her neck and forget about everything. The holding company, Kaan Karadağ, his father, Selin’s engagement, his worries just vanished every time Eda’s eyes found his. A rich earthy hue, gleaming like the stars had found refuge in her little orbs. Two beautiful eyes that were strangely looking at him at that exact moment, waking him from his daydream. The music had stopped as well, he realized, and he wondered how long he had been staring at her.

“ Don’t turn it off..”, he says as he slowly approaches her.

“ Don’t tell me you’re a fan of acoustic pop.”

“ What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing. You just don’t strike me as the type of guy who listens to music at all. Perhaps a little classical music? I heard they play that often in airport bathrooms”, she smirks and turns to meet his amused eyes again gazing at her.

“Robots enjoy music too, you know”.

A small chuckle escaped her mouth, as she put the music back on.

She did shine, she did shine, she did shine..🎶

“Would you like to dance?”

She didn’t respond, but Serkan could sense her eyes grow as she was slowly loosening her grip on the iPad resting between her small hands. She nodded and set the device on a corner table, before grabbing the hand he had extended.

Intertwining his fingers with hers, Serkan whispered a “Come with me..” and made way for the small open garden facing his room.

She slipped her hands slowly up his chest, breathing heavily. Sensing her hesitation, Serkan gently grabbed her wrists and clasped her hands around his neck, slowly guiding her into his embrace.

The last time they had stood this close was the day she had kissed him, two days prior. Two long days and the feeling of her lips on his had yet to fade. Two days and his heart still hadn’t stopped racing.

His body remembering the softness of hers, he sensed his hands swiftly holding her waist, keeping her close to him. What are you doing Serkan, the contract said no touching..

No touching and yet, Eda found herself burying herself into his embrace, drawing him closer to him as she held her own wrist behind his neck.

He smelled exactly the same as the other day. A touch of mint, a touch of dark amber, a scent so strong she was starting to feel dizzy.

Closing her eyes, focusing on his warm hands firmly holding her sides, she lets out a sigh..

And her heart knew, it was time.. 🎶

Swaying left and right, Serkan could feel her relax in his arms, following his lead, trusting him like never before. Her eyes looked up to him again, and he sensed the corner of his lips rise up as he met the familiar dazzling brown again. He leaned in towards her, and she rested her forehead against his, giving into the transporting melody, tightening their hold on each other.

He was so close, so close that she could pass out again. His nose gently dancing against hers, her shortening breath softly blowing on his cheek. He was so close, so close that she felt shivers down her spine.

“ Are you cold? ”, Serkan whispered as he took a step back to watch her face, holding both her wrists in his own hands. Before she could respond, she felt his arms tighten around her, bringing her closer to him in a hug in an attempt to warm her up.