Emotional EVIL DENT

my aziraphale is really exists in the world? will we meet somewhere in the future ? when the day come will you love me and held me like there's no tomorrow?

I lost the ability to love and care, I lost myself, i'm wounded and there's no hope or chance i'll be heal within months or even years

"i love you", "i take care of you", "i miss you", "i'll held you in the end" seem far away from me nor do i even deserve it

i'm tired of the world, I'm tired of everything, i wanna comfort, care, being love and heartwarming and lot of fluff from you

if i find you, will you love me back? will you stay with me ? will you accept my broken heart? will you be there with me ? will you worship me when we bonding to each other ? will you gently touch me and express your love and care over the course of most vulnerable time we spend?

i need you, my aziraphale, where are you? i need you desperately, i need you now, i don't think i have energy to carried on anymore ... can you find me my love... can you held me and say everything will be okay ? can you stay ? can you be there in my most darkest time

i know i'm unforgivable but will you forgive me if i'm seeking darkest ?

I understand my opening might be a bit dramatic, but I want to capture this feeling as vividly as possible. This issue has been the most challenging and complicated for me to deal with, and I doubt I'll ever fully conquer it. It's just overwhelming.

When you're young, and your own mother hardly spares you a glance or takes you under her wing, it dawns on you that the world isn't always warm and happy. It can be empty and cold, devoid of anything. Then she leaves, hands you over to your father, and you realise that's another void of loneliness. So, yes, I admit I crave companionship; I yearn for it. But I've also resigned myself to the idea that it won't happen. In reality, everybody leaves. Those who claim to love and care about you will depart, and those you genuinely care for will vanish without a trace, leaving a painful void in your life.

Forgive certainly not easy especially to those been traumatised by their bloody whole life, however forgive can be easy if it just the small and harmless fib / action. Anyhow i don't think from the aspect of sorry i'm hurting you cuz i care abt you is a great excuse when you seek forgiveness toward someone else, they said "what's been has been done there's nothing you can do abt it" for a reason.

yesterday, someone i used to care just show up at my front door sought his forgiveness not entirely begging his second chance but it's close, ofc i refused to accepted cuz like i mentioned earlier what's been done has been done, i can't imagine someone would weaponised their love to shatter you into pieces.

anyway, yesterday is mistake should've happened, it's just mess up. If you're so sure everything wouldn't work out why even bother show up at the front door and declared your love. it only makes me baffle by this situation cuz we were so sure our future will be depart into 2 different ways so i don't understand what makes you come around...

my idea love is quiet, gentle and romantic, i endorse those fraction moment that culminated to a long development relationship. sometime i just feel there too much sexual, fast pacing love hardly see someone slow down take a time to know each other. The dating app these days, everyone try their best to pursuit their subject if this didn't work then go to next, or only going out 1 or 2 times then being asked if you would like to be my boy/girl friend

mate ! we only have chatted 2 weeks and go out 2 times then you ask me this question you don't think if it's too fast for me or you?

i love pining and company, admire those small moments being each other, feel comfortable with each other, comfortable enough to let my guard down, makes me feel easy not complicated, feel peace and quiet

once, someone asked me what's my idea date i couldn't came up with answers back then, now, i would delight to share if there's someone out there i love to take them to dinner in a french bistro or any resta you like, i would bring a flower to you on our date i know it's trite you make laugh to me but that's what i am, that's what i love to do. i would order a wine, we will have a drink and talk, talk abt nonsense and pointless ideas or complain the shit thing happened today, i would smile and said it's rubbish and nonsense while it's my turn of talking you would like to listen and laugh whatever stupid thing i said, we would enjoy our dinner and have a time of our life, when the dinner is over we depart and life goes on

we may not bring out the topic of what are us now cuz we just wanna enjoy each other's company through out the time and we don't wanna label on it as well

within the proper time in the future, when the right time is coming and we finally decide to be together for the rest of our life as partners