Dead But Delicious

vampires getting super invested in nutrition so they know how to take care of their humans, and then being horrified at what humans will actually consume:

three-day-old coffee

twenty piece chicken nuggets

one (1) granola bar as a meal

their own fingernails

humans lying about what they eat:

“How do pop rocks even work?” “They’re made of tiny larvae that explode when they come into contact with human saliva.” “… That can’t be real.”

the constant exasperated repitions of “human stuff” or “vampire stuff” whenever they don’t understand each other

humans dabbing garlic on their pulse points when they’re pissed

“C’mon, I’m starving, why are you like this?” “Are you sorry?” “Yes” “What’s the magic word, Clarence?” “Please?”

vampires that forget humans are delicate and accidentally hurt them

humans that act like wounded dogs over minor injuries just to watch vampires fall over themselves apologizing

vampires exaggerating time for comedic effect:

“I haven’t heard this song in forty years” “This came out in 2004″ “It’s been forty years. I have aged.” “You literally have not.”

“When was the last time you did any laundry?” “1965″ “Fuck you.”

telling vampires to “go back to your coffin” when they’re grumpy

humans constantly asking “how did they do this in your day?” about every single daily task

vampires who hoard tools and appliances from the time period they most enjoyed

young vampires flipping off the sun and screaming at it about evolution

old vampires who pull their collars up and frown behind their sunglasses

erroneous threats based on abilities no vampire actually has: