honestly, i'm a wolf

vampires getting super invested in nutrition so they know how to take care of their humans, and then being horrified at what humans will actually consume:

three-day-old coffee

twenty piece chicken nuggets

one (1) granola bar as a meal

their own fingernails

humans lying about what they eat:

“How do pop rocks even work?” “They’re made of tiny larvae that explode when they come into contact with human saliva.” “… That can’t be real.”

the constant exasperated repitions of “human stuff” or “vampire stuff” whenever they don’t understand each other

humans dabbing garlic on their pulse points when they’re pissed

“C’mon, I’m starving, why are you like this?” “Are you sorry?” “Yes” “What’s the magic word, Clarence?” “Please?”

vampires that forget humans are delicate and accidentally hurt them

humans that act like wounded dogs over minor injuries just to watch vampires fall over themselves apologizing

vampires exaggerating time for comedic effect:

“I haven’t heard this song in forty years” “This came out in 2004″ “It’s been forty years. I have aged.” “You literally have not.”

“When was the last time you did any laundry?” “1965″ “Fuck you.”

telling vampires to “go back to your coffin” when they’re grumpy

humans constantly asking “how did they do this in your day?” about every single daily task

vampires who hoard tools and appliances from the time period they most enjoyed

young vampires flipping off the sun and screaming at it about evolution

old vampires who pull their collars up and frown behind their sunglasses

erroneous threats based on abilities no vampire actually has:

1950s movie star couple who are in love irl and hiding it from the press

independent authors/comic creators/artists/etc. who attend a lot of the same cons and have been on like eight panels together but have never had a conversation outside that

inanimate object suddenly turned into a human by an inexperienced wizard and now they have to navigate their new life while never quite letting go of the characteristics of their original form

Person A has a crush on Person B and enlists the help of Person C when in comes to wooing. B discovers that A isn’t as smooth as they want to appear but just finds it charming that they asked for help. B and A both fall for the charm of C, who was just trying to get two cuties together but too much of their own feelings into the project

vampires getting super invested in nutrition so they know how to take care of their humans, and then being horrified at what humans will actually consume:

three-day-old coffee

twenty piece chicken nuggets

one (1) granola bar as a meal

their own fingernails

humans lying about what they eat:

“How do pop rocks even work?” “They’re made of tiny larvae that explode when they come into contact with human saliva.” “… That can’t be real.”

the constant exasperated repitions of “human stuff” or “vampire stuff” whenever they don’t understand each other

humans dabbing garlic on their pulse points when they’re pissed

“C’mon, I’m starving, why are you like this?” “Are you sorry?” “Yes” “What’s the magic word, Clarence?” “Please?”

vampires that forget humans are delicate and accidentally hurt them

humans that act like wounded dogs over minor injuries just to watch vampires fall over themselves apologizing

vampires exaggerating time for comedic effect:

“I haven’t heard this song in forty years” “This came out in 2004″ “It’s been forty years. I have aged.” “You literally have not.”

“When was the last time you did any laundry?” “1965″ “Fuck you.”

telling vampires to “go back to your coffin” when they’re grumpy

humans constantly asking “how did they do this in your day?” about every single daily task

vampires who hoard tools and appliances from the time period they most enjoyed

young vampires flipping off the sun and screaming at it about evolution

old vampires who pull their collars up and frown behind their sunglasses

erroneous threats based on abilities no vampire actually has:

“old vampires who pull their collars up and frown behind their sunglasses”

Hold on, are you implying that newer vampires would eventually develop a lessened or even no reaction at all to sunlight exposure?

Raphael unwrapped his chopsticks and leaned over to see what Finn was working on. “A bridge troll permit? That’s an interesting career move. I support you. You’ll be a great bridge troll.”

“Thanks. Eat your gay sushi and stop bothering me.”

Let’s try this, shall we?

I think I’ll be more likely to share secret things and world building this way. So, sign up for sporadic updates. I will probably keep this a pretty small group, being only friends and mutuals, or at least people I’ve interacted with before. Please don’t be upset if you sign up and then I remove you from the list.

asphyxiation at birth

nearly pulling a pan of boiling water off the stove as a toddler

mugged as a teenager

mild heroin overdose

nearly walked in front of a bus

another heroin overdose

shot in the stomach his first day as a dandy