i sometimes feel so fucking incompetent as a human being even though im really not doing anything wrong.
my problem is that i want. i am flawed and i spend my time on earth wanting.
i have the most wonderful girlfriend i could ask for and even though she's got issues of her own, she always seems so in control, on top of things, like she knows where she's headed. i say "seems" because i know she'd smack the back of my head and assure me that she's just as lost as i am.
and i dont hate myself for this, for not being as determined in life. for taking things as they come and very rarely seeking them out. im okay living life as a jellyfish. but i sometimes feel like a complete idiot compared to her.
i do nothing but think about her. everything relates to her.
she's too perfect for both our sakes. i can't count the number of times we've made our friend groups awkward because someone else developed feelings for her while we were dating. it's beyond frustrating for her. that she loses the people she cares most about because they didnt care the same way she did. and very rarely do these people step back and compose themselves once they realize nothing can come of it.
i sometimes feel like im the reason these friends can't be happy. i stand between them and the relationship they want. im the obstacle. and they change around me. not necessarily cold and angry, just distant, avoidant.
im not insecure about this, i dont fear that she'll one day leave me for one of these friends. this isnt what i'm trying to discuss
i turned 23 just 20 minutes ago
but she's too kind, she's too patient, she puts everyone else above herself and is left with nothing of herself to enjoy at the end of her day. she can't navigate relationships without dissecting everyone and mirroring what they want. to be happy and frictionless. im the only one who sees her when she lays down. and it's such a privilege, in a way, i feel honoured to be able to be with a part of her she doesnt dare show to anyone else.
but it also means that it's annoying sometimes to see her cheery and happy with everyone and then coming down when we're alone. it's selfish but i wish she wouldn't placate other people so much, so that she could still have some energy to be happy at the end of the day.
she can't help it. she's that therapist friend, you know the type. but she sacrifices too much of herself when she does this. even though she's aware, she cant bring herself to simply be honest about how she's doing, or to not pretend to care about the days of people she dislikes.
and during the latest case of a friend getting a crush on her, this kissed her. and while im not worried about it, as usual, i do wish she was more upset about it. she forgave him immediately. he has issues, he's not well at the moment, she cant hold it against someone who isnt thinking straight. but good lord, he made a move on you while you were in a relationship.
i know how much she cares about this specific friend, and how torn she is about it and having to deal with his feelings. but i do wish she stood more firmly on the side of "hey man, dont fucking kiss me"
now for context, the reason im not worried about these happenings is because we've been dating since we were 13. we broke up whe we were 19, dated other people, but realized we couldnt be with anyone else and so we came back together after 2 years. and we've been together since. we both know that neither of us could ever settle for anyone else. our romantic tastes were molded to each other as we grew up. we can't see each other being with anyone else.
i understand why most people should rightly be more upset about someone kissing their partner. but this is why i am not one of those people. i just wish she wouldnt be as lenient with him
theartofmadeline
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