Provacateur

And yes I said many things to provoke to see what the reactions would be and it’s a really stupid way to find out what someone thinks or feels. Passive and mean. I won’t do it any more and at the very least I will notice. Everyone here has remained anonymous and I will admit the occasional provocation just for a good screenshot. Nonetheless done here. Maybe it’s I and most likely not but definitely know for sure what I need and my biggest flaw.

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The texts and memes that were gradually more offensive to find out what I thought was funny. The answer is everything is funny. Most people don't think that What do I do for fun? Trying to figure out what my life as a single person was like. It seemed ridiculous to ask a mother of a 7 and 9 yo that ? Everything is child centered right now. I love to read and be outside and listen to music. Having a hard core fun thing is too time consuming right now and it also seems weird to me Tell me an emotionally 'open' story to gauge my reaction. I'm a kind person. I'm going to be polite and kind and not be terrible toward that. But it's still a little obvious. The One did this and he actually said 'that was a good answer' afterwards. I knew immediately that was this was some test that he used on all women and I DID NOT CARE. It's like beating my head against the wall. He is not a good person. It needs to sink in. I saw him immediately as just a human being where all that mattered was that he was living and I was happy for that. He mentioned that he used to weigh more and he could have and it wouldn't have mattered. This is what this whole thing is about. I was glad this human was in the world. I was sure he was seeing me the same way

My house was robbed shortly after moving in. I tell the story a lot. There are some who immediately ask if it's ok now and if I've taken precautions. These are the keepers. I can take care of myself but truly it's exhausting sometimes. I cannot be with someone who would just say that's terrible and move on.

He is a horrible human. He is a liar. This was nothing. Just a tangled mess and usually I can make sense of some things but this I cannot. This makes no sense. I'm not being a desperate crazy female here. I just still find it lingering in my brain and the only sense is duplicitous human being. Truly two separate people.

We'd been several months of the occasional date, sometimes practically entire days spent together. Nothing much past that. It was like that thing you see on tv where you think two people who are friends are going to fall in love and then they have awful sex and it's kind of funny and they remain friends. Well ours was a little different narrative but we can hang now and enjoy it. And who the hell knows why? I'm not doing it because I think he'll change his mine. One time I returned an item he was showing me back to a shelf and then he reached over and straightened it out and that path was over.

I saw him so rarely that when he was gone it was easier than I thought. But then I’m also leaning strongly toward there was something missing and I knew it would never work long term for either of us. Not just me. It sucks being able to think that. I was trying to not think that way because things definitely don’t always play out the way you think. Or maybe instead of cynicism it was just being more in touch with my intuition.

He was here when my children weren’t. Sometimes minutes between. I never got anything done for myself or normal day to day things. 2 distinct lives. So every other weekend was all we had. He lives two hours away. It was getting too difficult to plow ahead knowing our lives would never integrate

No one has been stuck in my head this easily before. He is a bad person in disguise. I can usually tell these things when I meet someone. No hint at all even though I knew some of the things he said about himself weren't true. He proclaimed too loudly that he was an open person. He was in there somewhere. I couldn't be a part of it though.

Guess what? You can scream and yell and the person doesn't leave. You can say awful things and stop speaking and it doesn't mean it's over. At heart I am a passionate loud person and it was slowly drawn out of me in an unrelated story. I knows this. I taught me this. I stays no matter what. First time I felt that since birth.

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Always genuinely happy to see me. We were consistently about 1/8th of one another's lives and there was a moment I thought it was more and told him and we stopped connecting. Then that 1/8th sharing was missed. Kids 1/2 time, work of two into one person, and emotional exhaustion. I really only had 1/8th that had room. I still went on other dates expecting something and it wasn't Mr Steady that was hindering it was me. And also the steady stream of people who were constantly reminding me that I was and am more of an outlier in society.

The One and the reason

Reflecting now is that we met for other reasons but we're still meant to connect. It's like reaching for something in a dream that just moves slowly away

This old guy at church...well not that much older but he's a recliner kind of old kept approaching and trying to friend me on FB. He said maybe coffee in the parking lot. I told him I like anal and smoked weed every day. Problem solved