invisible

I feel like i could cry for hours , but what good would crying do honestly . My heart has a type of loneliness and confusion I don’t know if it could ever be fixed

Ranting to the same tumblr account i’ve had since I was 12. Still crying and ranting over the same boy . Still crying because I still have no friends . And when I say no friends , like yes I have people that say we are friends …. but we don’t hangout . We go weeks without talking . I’ve seen them a combined total of 4 times in two years . Are they busy? Maybe. But do they have time for everyone and everything else? Yeah. Am i confident we would talk if i just dispersed ? Am i confident thy would check in if we didn’t talk to i dont get on social media for a month? no . I’m not confident . Am i confident that the same boy i’ve been crying over for 14 years is still in love with me? Hell no. Is he still attracted to me? Definitely not . Am i still ugly and annoying ? Hell yeah, probably worse honestly .

And yes , technically i’m engaged . But have you ever been in a relationship with someone who you can tell is actively falling out of love with you ? Like we could be hanging out right now, but he’ll be on his PC with friends until 7am and then he’ll goto bed when I wake up. We don’t even sleep in the same bed together anymore .

Like i’m SO jealous of people who have a friend that talks to them more than one or twice a month . I’m so jealous of people who have plans , friendsgiving , girls days , whatever it may be. Like I spend my nights alone, watching twitch streams and scrolling until i get tired enough that i fall asleep before my anxiety makes me stay awake .

I miss having a best friend so fucking bad . I can’t explain how bad i wanna laugh and hangout and talk and just sit in silence next to a friend. Like i miss having a friend where we could hug or sit next to eachother and just rest our legs against eachother or say in bed next to eachother and just enjoy the comfort of a friend and watch tv or tiktok or whatever . And i fear i will never have that again .

14 years ,mans i have a feeling he doesn’t want 15

I’ve legit been told Someone “despises” having to spend time with me. Like why is it so hard to find someone that actually wants me around