Drowning

How is it possible to feel so incredibly smart and incredibly dumb at the same time? I feel like I’m very witty and wise beyond my years yet when I’m faced with basic tasks I’m a deer caught in the headlights. I feel incompetent in a lot of areas that other people seem to just understand without question or hesitation. This has always been my issue in the workplace. It doesn’t bode well in corporate America. Makes me wonder where I truly belong, career wise. It’s like if it doesn’t feed my soul or entertain my brain it simply doesn't register. All throughout my childhood in the classroom when everyone else would be working on something I would be looking around at everyone and wondering what the hell it was we were supposed to be doing. D’s and F’s are all I really knew outside of geography.

I've heard several times before that an idle mind is the devils playground. It's such a curse to know it and just accept it. I've gone years rotting away in a room battling doubt and what ifs. I never actually do anything about it. I would just feel bad for myself and ignore anyone who reached out. I would become so impoverished, so gluttonous, so useless. I would feel stuck and unworthy for so long. What troubles me is the fact that I always knew this. I am aware of my talents and I know who and what my inner demons are, yet I refuse to destroy them. I let them run amok and for what? I've struggled with addictions, grief, abuse and neglect. The entirety of my school years were spent in closet, disgusted with myself for being gay. My self loathing knows no bounds. I can't even let people get close to me. I would tell myself I'll see a therapist but never go through with it. Same goes for any and everything else in my life from a drivers license to a college degree to theater. I've never accomplished anything. I have been smothered in anxiety and self doubt since I could remember. I'm too broke and unfortunate is what I would always tell myself despite the fact that I've wasted tens of thousands of dollars on a life of alcoholism. I've never had a sober love life and either quit or got fired from jobs due to my alcoholism. It all got really bad when I lost my brother at 26 years old (he was 24). He was my best friend, but our last years together were spent on getting high. I've never had a good relationship with my abusive father. As for my mother, well she's a therapist who I can't even think about without this gut wrenching feeling that makes me want to cry for her. Why am I not motivated enough to live the best version of me? A me that would make my mother and brother proud.