more than this life, there is Love

I wish my struggles were normal. Things I can talk about with people and they give me concrete advice that I could actually listen to and maybe even follow. You know, boy problems, career problems, basic girl problems, basic human problems but I was never made to be ordinary. Even my struggles aren’t ordinary. My skin is just horrible right now. I need to cover myself up from neck to toe, including my hands. If I could, I’d cover my scalp and face too. And as much as I want to look at the brighter side and hope for a better day, it’s so difficult to do. I want to be healed so badly but this struggle has been ongoing for years and every time it comes back, it hits me 10x harder and fall back into the hole I feel like I’m always in. I want to look past my skin condition, but I find myself wanting to stay home all the time, not wanting to see anyone. And get this--I never want to wear makeup or do my hair because what’s the point? My dreams and my goals are limited because I don’t want to hope for something that may never come true. I understand and I’m aware that God has greater plans for me. God loves me. I am His beloved. But when I look in the mirror, it’s hard to see God. It’s hard to see beauty. It’s hard to see my worth as a woman, as a person. The easiest thing to do right now is allowing this loneliness in my struggle to consume me. Because what else could I do? It’s so easy for people to say YOLO. So easy for people to decide to date, to get themselves out there and live the only life they’ll ever get to have. But how is that applicable to me? I’m living but I feel so lifeless.