☀️🌜⭐️

I am true.

But this is not what I want you to understand.

This you already know to be true.

Understand..

That I gave you me. I gave true words even if you didn’t like them. I gave you true friendship, I stood by you even when there were few who didn’t . Through the good times and the bad. all I ever gave you was true and honest.

The only thing I regret is stooping to a level that I’ve found myself in with you many times from your words. Although the words you’ve hurled at me and to others about me I still stood by you.

Yet here I am, standing guilty in the words I’ve spoken to you. I don’t believe in giving someone the same treatment as they give you. I believe in being true to yourself.

I found myself in my own head and seeing that I wasn’t given what I was giving. I was feeling hurt and betrayed for some time and I took a simple situation and blew it into disrespect. From my end, even if it was given to me first hand, knowing or unknowingly.

As I’ve always said I’ll stand strong in my words. Even if my words were wrong. Now when I say this I say it as I’ll stand strong in my wrong words and stand strong in taking accountability in the words that I should have never spoken and I will apologize. I should never speak in disrespect, especially on a traumatic part of someone’s life.

No matter how anyone makes me feel, I should NEVER make others feel the same way.

You’ve made me feel this way time and time again and at times so constantly. I let it get the best of me.

I’m sorry for going too low. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, I’m sorry our friendship is no longer the same. It still hurts that it changed.

But I am okay and I am okay with where we stand.

I hope one day it changes but I will no longer strive to save it.

Some will read this and say it’s contradicting.

That’s okay.

I know who I am and know where I stand and I know I will apologize when needed but will never stand in a place where I’m constantly being used and allowing myself to stoop to a level I never want to be.

Call it as you want but I call it knowing where I went wrong and understanding what you and I deserve from each other.

Apologizing and knowing where my words went wrong but still standing in the respect I deserve is not contradiction.

A snake in the grass isn’t as sneaky as a chameleon. We underestimate the chameleon. although we know they adapt to their surroundings we almost always neglect that exact fact. Snake’s can slither quietly, and slowly, but chameleons can hide in plain sight.

Remember that the next time you’re spilling your heart and all your words to a certain person. For you and what they gave to you as a perspective of friendship and a true place of allowing you to express yourself freely and truly.

A chameleon it’s just, that blending into plain sight.

They will and almost always will use your vulnerability against you even if they seem so true and pure. 

You got me this time.

But I can promise myself, this is the only and last time you hide from me.

I see you, from words of others but most importantly your actions.

I see you.

Even if you think I can’t, I know exactly where you are even without seeing you, I know where you stand in yourself and where you DON’T stand with me.

We had a good run, but your run ended when you lacked in yourself and when you showed me, even when you didn’t know I knew, who you really are.

I can’t help you run anymore and I won’t help you run anymore. Your run relies on saving yourself no matter what you loose in people or yourself and that’s okay… for you but not for me.

I see you.

Even if others don’t

I’m struggling with finding the words to write, Not because it’s hard to write about my babies. But it’s hard to fit it all in a single post.

I’m not a mother just because I gave birth there so much more.

I carried you in my body and I hold that sacred. Even tho you don’t know, I talked to you and loved you long before you blessed this earth.

It’s weird because all at once I have no clue what I’m doing as a mother, Yet at the same time I know exactly what I’m doing as mother.

I know those words may seem confusing and truly they may never make sense to the unwilling ears.

Regardless of whatever is happening or may be happening in this world, I stand for my babies. I ALWAYS will.

Even in the womb, I knew I would, I could and I WILL give it everything I got for them and even after I have nothing left to give, I will ALWAYS give more.

My kids may believe they are the blessed ones. They may believe that I am their hero, but in reality they are just that and SO MUCH MORE for me.

I am so blessed. I was saved and they are my saviors.

I will choose them every time. I will live for them everyday. I will love them so abundantly everyday. I will give everything I have for them.

I was lost, they found me.

I love you my sweet handsome boy, I love you my beautiful wild child.

“ I love you endlessly sweet girl, best friend, peppa pig booty butt just kidding I love you. “

“I love you endlessly sweet boy, best friend, brother pig booty butt just kidding I love you “

Always remember, squeeze my hand three times.

Alway remember when you give a hug tap three times.

Always remember to pass that love along.

Your words NEVER fall on deaf ears or blinded eyes.

In the beginning they fell on insecurities and being naïve.

Yet at the same time they fell on a loving heart, an understanding heart, an open heart, they fell on someone who just mindfully understands good things and bad things. They fell on someone who just gets it.

As time went on, those words still fall on what was already mentioned but unknowingly to both of us, the strength that I already had began to surface.

Now your words fall on all, an understanding heart of the good and the bad, the only difference is that, that heart understands herself now.

I stand strong by you but I also stand strong by my self as well.

My words are not to make you feel less than, but understand your words will not make me feel less than either.

I see your actions while my ears don’t hear the same thing coming out of your mouth. I hear your words while my eyes don’t see the same thing showing through your actions.

Conversation on conversation won’t change anything. My actions FOR you won’t change YOUR actions, feelings and mindset YOU have for you.

Theses conversations I will always have with you but my words and actions can no longer carry you through. This all solely relies on you.

One can only build and hold the bricks for another for so long, at some point the one who is expecting the bricks to already be there needs to kneel down and get their hands dirty in their own mess to clean it up and start building those bricks on their own.

Don’t get me wrong, if I see a crack in your brick I’ll bring it to light for you and help repair it but this has to be done by both of us.

My words are not out of fear

I do not fear for my life. These words are written with the hopes that one day others will finally hear it.

Sadly, I know they won’t be hard until something “bad” happens to me.

I know when that time comes many will finally realize that I have spoken all these words to them but they chose not to hear them. And that’s ok. But I pray next time, if given the privilege of someone opening up to you… you’ll be more diligent with their words. 

You’re not to too much.

You’re not to emotional

You’re not just complaining

ITS OKAY TO SPEAK BACK

Just because you are comfortable enough with who you are and what you speak DOES NOT mean you are less than. You are just as beautiful as the person who does the same and as the person who doesn’t, because we are all different and just because we don’t understand those differences doesn’t not make one more than the other.

I love you.

If I am to go home…

Don’t let a mother fucker trick you

Dot let a mother fucker let you think I didn’t care

Don’t let a mother fucker manipulate you to think I was someone different

Don’t let a mother fuckers narcissistic ways trick you the way it tricked me.

Don’t let a mother fucker

Don’t let him

DON’T FUCKING LET HIM.

I seriously love you. I heard you. You may have not heard me and I may have not shown you correctly that i have heard you, but I HEARD YOU. Even through my own struggles I HEARD YOU. This is for no one specific this is for those who know it’s for them. I love you. We share pain, not he same pain but we share pain. I choose to give my pain up to hears others. This is no one’s fault not even mine because this is what I live for. First my children and their happiness their life their everything and secondly everyone’s else’s. So when I am Gone, please don’t feel bad if you didn’t give me enough, you gave me what you could and I couldn’t ask for more. All I ask when I am gone, you all finally hear me. You all finally see me. I know who I am and I know I was NEVER too much, I know I was NEVER less than what I could have given I was exactly who I was supposed to be and gave exactly what I was supposed to give. Don’t mourn me, love for me. Give the love that I am no longer able to give. I am happy. This is not a note I’m leaving to take my life this is a note to let you know where I stand if my life should end at any point.

I heard you

I hear you

The world lost one amazing beautiful soul last night.

We love you.

We miss you.

We are empty without you.

For once I think I’m speechless. I’ve said it all. One too many times.

I’m no longer numb but I still feel nothing.

Lower then low.

Lowest than the lowest.

That’s where I am.

I have no one to blame but myself.

I forgive myself.

For ever allowing myself to be there.

HOW DARE I!

How dare I forsake myself. To see myself as anything other than great within myself.

FUCK YOU.

And if you felt as if that was towards you, IT WAS!

There’s a reason why you felt it was. Not because of who I am because of who you are. because you felt in some aspect you were involved enough to feel offended. 

I am not almighty but I know I am great. I know want I contribute to EVERY relationship.

“Your to much”

I need/want this in a friendship/relationship but it’s not and you’re too much.

FUCK YOU.

I’ll give all I have but when it doesn’t align with you and your shit in that time that’s when you back track on what you said.

FUCK YOU.

I’m not sorry.

I’m done apologizing for NOTHING.

The literal definition is…

“deprived of the power of sensation.”

But WHAT THE FUUUCK. What the fuck?

It’s like, yeah, I’m numb as fuck. Like AS FUCK.

But why do these tears still flow..

But why does the fire still ignite..

But why does the guilt that’s not mine to have still arise..

I have no more tears left to give, my flame Burnt out long ago and the guilt… I KNOW it’s not mine but it’s there.

Damn, what a trip it is to be on the other side of apathy.

Mind fucked.



This isn’t me. I’ve grown, I’ve learned, I’m stronger.

You bring me back to who I don’t want to be.

“You’re crazy, you’re too much, you manipulate”

Some how my love for you ALWAYS blinds my love for me.

I am not too much, I am not crazy and I’m allowed to feel the feelings I feel, that DOES NOT mean it’s manipulation.

When I stand on my own and stand for myself and I feel and express my feelings you call it manipulation. 

You always have. You’ve even made me question if I should ever feel or if I truly should stay numb.

These dark thoughts that I’ve worked so hard SO DAMN HARD to never allow them to return, you some how take your dark thoughts and very strategically place them in my head.

Because I am aware of my self and my feelings and my thoughts and you are not does not mean you can try and place the blame on me.

I’ve stood by you EVERY DAMN STEP OF THE WAY. While you battle your demons. I take away from myself to give the strength I barely have.

“You’re holding me down”

Words I never thought I’d hear you say.

With the power the love the strength I I have given you to succeed. I’m shattered by those words you speak.

I don’t know.