President Douche

“Leave your shit at the door, I don’t want a fucking flyer,” Bradley grumbled when the knocking at her room persisted, opening one eye to squint at the door as it hung ajar. “Did you not hear me? Die in a hole.”

Shifting to pound his fist against the door once more, he grumbled under his breath tugging his coat closed. “You’re going to be the one in a damn hole if you don’t open this door, I hope you realize that.” 

“What? She was wearing nice shoes, they were a gorgeous pair of Chloe’s you never not trust a girl who can accessorize. —— Besides she could have seen a dragon, yes their existence has never been proven, but it hasn’t been disproven either. We had dinosaurs once a upon a time, and the stories have to come from somewhere. So it really is quite possible that a dragon ate her classwork.”

“It’s pure luck that you’re such a looker, you know that?” 

“Which one of you did it? —— Who ordered Linda, to sit next to me? Spending an hour listening to “So do you like own Mcdonalds..” “What’s a restauranteur..?”  Is not exactly how I pictured spending my afternoon. If this is some kind of joke, I’m getting you assholes back I swear it.”

“Oh come on, it’s not that big of a deal, mate. Just a bit of entertainment while we all enjoy a meal. Relax a little, embrace the shit end of the stick.” 

“Just walked in on some Frosh having a Twilight marathon in the library. I’m traumatized. Who wants to get drunk in a gutter somewhere?”

“Is that really a question?” 

“No, no, I got this, you little Brit. Ready? Football. Damn, I’m good. ——So sweet of you to acknowledge I’m actually a marshmallow, though. What gave it away? My kindness? Good looks? Am I starting to rub off on you? I’m hoping for a yes in response to all of these questions.”

“Ah, football, yes. I could go for a round or two of kicking your ass. It’d give me just enough energy to work my way through returning booty calls. -- Outta luck there, it’s not yet Tuesday. You know I only live to compliment you on Tuesdays, my friend. Hopefully you never rub off on me though, yeah? Think of all the wasted potential we’d miss out on.”  

“Oh, Declan, Declan. But when do I ever listen to what you have to say? Except for when you want to choke me during sex. Last thing I need is to die with my legs opened. Though..It might as well be expected.  How about you be the little fucker and you do it for me, yes?”

“My need to choke you goes far beyond the bedroom, Nathalia.-- Don’t make me laugh, putting away your luggage is the last thing on my to do list today. Give it a few days, I’m sure you’ll have my pledges doing your dirty work in no time. Do remember how much I love messing things up for you though, won’t you?” 

“Huh? Oh, no. I’m just taking five. Gimme a minute and I’ll be back at it. Do you want to play? Don’t tell me you’re not a soccer fan. You’ll break my tiny, little heart, if you do.”

“Soccer, or soccer? You realize you must specify these things with me, correct? -- It’s impossible to break your heart, it’s like you’ve become the stay puft marshmallow man.” 

“– I know I should probably be unpacking and whatnot but honestly? those bags will probably be packed till Christmas break and that’s in what four months? saves me the trouble from having to do it again.”

“How many times have I told you to get someone to do it for you? It’s simple, one swoop, it’s unpacked. Few days from now if you do it, you’ll thank me I know it. Four months down the line get the same little fucker to repack ‘em.”

The atrocity I am fucking witnessing. Do you see that? That’s a fucking wallflower out there. “I’m alone and different” type of shit.  There’s a Skins wannabe out there.  The fuck did Brookhaven accept this year?  — You’re gonna go out? You be careful out there, man. They’re not like the rest of us. It’s wild.

Watch out, I heard someone unleashed a monster out there and she’s tryna pass out STDs. Wait no, that was just your sister, my b. Fuck, mate. You really think I wanna go swim down the river and witness that train wreck? Hell no, but eventually I gotta go down and make sure no one’s burned down my house yet. 

“Pretty sure I’m not blind, and I’m pretty positive dinosaurs died millions of years ago so I couldn’t possibly be a dino, as amazing as that might be.”

“Unfortunately, that wasn’t the point at all..”