Decaffeinated

Do you ever cope? Could you really bounce back? I guess there are success stories and some are just awe inspiring. But then, some really are just up against a brickwall. A deadend. A blackhole.

My mornings (evenings for some, actually), are all the same. A routine. I wake up, i check for messages, i make my coffee, i smoke, bathe, dress up and "run" for work. More often than not, i sleep my way to work. Once there, i grab my usually brew, smoke a stick or 2 and then get to my usual day at work. When 7am hits, i log out, smoke again then go on my way back home. At home, i play those no-brainer, "tactical" games. Listen to my morning news show on facebook, have coffee and smoke again. If i'm a little less lazy, i cook. But lately, I am sucked into my dark corners so cooking isn't as fun.

See the cycle? 2 common things - smoke and coffee. Those are my constants. My daily dose. Those are the 2 things that I am sure of.

My life is a routine. A cycle. I have a son, by the way, who is absolutely amazing. Who doesn't deserve to have a mom like me. I love him with all that I have but I am not deserving to be looked up to by him. Why not? Simple, I am a big mess. And by that, i mean a big fucked up mess.

Seriously, people see me as someone tough, smart, articulate, strong and so on. All an Alpha female trait. But hey, that's what they see, maybe because that's how I present myself. But no. Hell no. I'm not smart, I'm not beautiful, I'm senseless, I am weak. I am everything but those Alpha females are.

I am in a relationship. And the person I am with is heaven-sent. An amazing person with a big heart. One who loves my son like flesh and blood. And yet again, i don't deserve this person.

You see, i have been through different relationships and i messed it all up. At first, i felt victimized after the break up, but i realized that I was more of a parasite than anything else. See, i suck the happiness out of these people and i drag them to this quicksand of bullshit. Good thing, they found ways to breakfree. Now all of them are in their new lives - happy. As for me, i am with another "host". And i may be sucking all the good of life from this person, again. Why? All because i am still fucked.

My entire family, is a mix of craziness and good people. So as my friends. When i think of them, i feel that i am way too lucky to have them and that i don't qualify to be someone holding them or knowing them.

The friends that I have, the inner circle friends. Those who know me from end to end. They are amazing beings. Their lives are well lived. They enjoy things that i can only dream of. No, this is not envy nor jealousy. It's more of an acceptance, that no matter how i push, i will always end up digging up my grave. Pushing myself deeper.

People say, you are the only one who can help yourself, but not in my case. I tried. I kept fighting back. Wanting to get out of this web of frustration, self loathing, self pity and all the grits and cracks in between. But, i am still here. Entering midlife with nothing to prove, with nothing attained, with so many scars, so many unhealing wounds. And still nothing.

Do i wish to end my life? Absolutely. I say it as a joke, most of the time. But you know what they say, jokes are always half-meant. In my case, they are not. I always say it like it's funny. I deliver it as of it's laugable and as if it's something that you can play with. But to be brutally honest, it's my inner self screaming.

So, is this my suicide note? I think yes but no. I do not wish to die and leave the people around me thinking of what to do with me or the things that I've left behind. I do not wish to cause trauma to others. What i look forward to, each day, is to not wake up after i sleep. For my time to just end peacefully while in dreamland. To just breakfree from this web of undying worthlessness. That maybe, if i go discreetly while asleep, things might take a better detour for them because I am no longer waking up. I will just be that string of memory for the people that i love the most. That i become less of a baggage.

I just wish my heart will just be physiologically tired of beating. That it will just stop because it just couldn't go on for another beat. I wish to cut my breathing process not out of suffocation or asphyxiation - again no graphic or brutal deaths, please. But to just stop. To not wake up. To not find any means to open my eyes. To not go back to that routinary life. To not become a pest. To not be worthless. To not just be that person that people think I am.

Really, i just wanted to sleep and not wake up again. This may sound selfish. But this, i think is the best gift that i can give my friends, my family, my life partner and my dear son. For me to no longer exist. Come to think of it, have i done anything, a single thing to really deserve these people?