destroyer.

her own ring sits in the soap dish. safely tucked away.

they're not friends not by any parameter she's ever seen him measure. always one step behind the protective sheen of professionalism. but he was there. going through the motions. giving her far more, she suspected, than he offered most. " i used to more often. " said with a shrug, she halves the fruit, carving out its core into the same tub. it joins its peers on the cutting board. " maya and i cook dinner together most nights, " the name warms her voice. curling into the corners of her mouth.

" when she's not at her grandmother's. " on the evenings travis merely haunted their home. little more than the steady depletion of their rum to mark his presence. she'd wanted to keep the bottle, but mary'd had other plans. the thought clusters beneath her fingertips, indenting itself into the side of the half she steadies to dice. " he's missing, technically. they won't declare anything officially for another few years

for him, cooking slots easily into how he remembers. memory is associative. one thing calls up something else. caine's line of associations just extends back further than it should, as far as he can tell from talking to other people. he can recount how many times he's done certain things, the nuances around it. this is not a matter of clarity. it blurs the past together into repetitive cues, the same thing a thousand times. this is what he doesn't tell people. maybe he's tired of explaining; maybe it never feels like he can explain it well enough to begin with.

he used to cook with mia, too. not much, with how young she was, but she got to stir things and then measure them. karawek did that even more, with the baking. he wonders sometimes. did mia learn to cook from her grandparents? it's an offshoot of the same root question: can i trust that she is taking care of herself?

he wonders often. then he aches, and he has to turn away before the pain turns into something so unbearable that he has to look for something to dull it back down.

caine settles a little more. any tension that had begun to leak in drains back out.

dialogue prompts from birnam wood by eleanor catton.

i prefer enemies to rivals.

being dislikable is more terrible than being disliked.

everything is the same, and everything is different.

you're really enjoying this, aren't you?

do you want to go somewhere and get a drink?

i doubt you're an axe murderer.

why do we always say 'axe murderer'? we never say 'gun murderer' or 'knife murderer'.

we were all pretty drunk that night.

some of the stuff i say, when i remember it, it makes me sick.

come on. we've all made mistakes.

i always know i'm safe with you.

i thought you might appreciate some time to yourself.

i never stay anywhere longer than a night.

i haven't thought about ____ in years.

who do you work for?

i have no idea who you are.

anything else you want to ask?

how do i know you're not setting me up?

you little criminal.

i bet you sleep so well.

we're very snobby about our coffee here.

can you calm down just a little bit, please?

let the record show i kept my mouth shut.

just remember the first rule of pr: say nothing.

you are so unbelievably full of shit.

i said i didn't want to talk about it.

i don't know why i didn't kiss you.

i really want to kiss you.

seriously, all i want is to have a drink alone.

only something someone doesn't want to see in print is news. everything else is advertising.

at least it's not raining, right?

i want to know who you've been talking to.

i think we've got our wires crossed somewhere.

do you think the kind of person who never says 'sorry' is also the kind of person who never says 'thank you'?

thank you for assuming i was listening.

do you think there are two different types of people, or just one?

you were like a different person.

tell me everything there is to tell.

start at the beginning, and don't leave anything out.

you seem like the sort of person who'd have a secret agenda.

everyone can't be on top, or it wouldn't be the top anymore.

if i didn't know any better, i'd say you had a crush.

you can hardly even breathe without lying.

no one ever actually knows what the right thing is.

you don't like to be out of control. is that it?

i'm worried this is just a bit of fun for you. like, it doesn't really mean anything.

you're seeing me differently now.

it's like a black mirror episode.

can we do drugs now, please?

everybody has their own reasons for doing what they do. you can't police motivation.

none of this is real. it's a simulation.

we did this together. this is our fault.

i got you into this mess, and i'm going to get you out.

every weakness, seen differently, can be a strength.

just say it over and over again until you believe it.

no hard feelings. honestly.

whatever fantasy world you're living in right now, snap out of it.

call me any time. day or night.

i just feel like nothing's real.

it's one of those albums where you can't just listen to one track. you have to hear the whole thing, you know?

we're not still on acid, are we?

you didn't fuck it up. i fucked it up.

we were just young.

people don't run if they've got nothing to hide.

you're going to rot in hell.

i've thought about you all day.

don't give up. you can't give up.

i feel like a stupid child.

there is an edge to him. there always has been, and for better or worse, there likely always will be. it feels wrong to imagine any part of it ground down and smoothed into a dulled bluntness for the sake of curbing it. not for him, at least.

love doesn't always require change. some things can remain the same, as they ever were.

in opposition to the tension, a looseness settles in as caine moves to sit on the edge of the bed. his hand gently sweeps along the top of the blankets before he settles, checking to make sure he's occupying a clear space.

he turns it over in his head. the first time he was married, this was less of an issue. a lot has changed since then. "i never said i'm not tense, either. there's a good chance you're right. i can't say shit about being able to read people correctly, either. so i think we need a middle ground on this. i can try to communicate if i'm annoyed and i need space. sometimes i'm just tense, too. annoyance is a kind of tension too."

Anne Carson, from Antigonick