Dirtbag Chronicles

I actually forgot what day it was. I normally have a steel trap for a memory but for some reason it slipped me. I'm gonna chalk that up to my new friend. I really like her. She and I are similar in so many ways it's actually sort of unsettling at times lol. The more time we've spent taking the more we've gotten to genuinely like each other. Like for a while it wasn't even sexual which is unheard of for me, I was jus vibing with a cool girl. She fell asleep talking but I still wired so I did the dishes and laundry before coming to bed none the wiser of the significance of the day. Thank you Facebook... Iunno if I'd put it out of my head purposefully or if my mind was protecting me but it wasn't until Facebook showed me my memories about the day that I realized what day it was. It's so funny because my new friend actually works my old program and we were talking about to expect as it was their first day of training and that's where I met my eX but it didn't click in at all. It damn sure did when I read my lovey dovey statuses. The minute I did, all the happiness, the carefree black boy stuff, the genuine level of OK I'd recently built for myself was gone. I was rocked to my core and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to put it out of my mind to focus on the happiness I'd been having lately but my mind and body worked in tandem to push every negative emotion I'd ever felt for her to the surface at once. Sadness over what was lost. Anger over what would never be. Resentment over the time and effort put in. Hurt over the callousness. Anxiety over what my future now was to be as a result. All hit like a fucked up emotional tsunami. I couldn't deal with my munchkin, I was short, couldn't control my volume and jus genuinely not mentally present. We were much later for the day then usual as a result. The worst part of my life is I can't avoid the thing that hurts me in these moments and this being the worst of all the moments made the drop off horrendous. I barely told my munchkin bye and I couldn't look in their general direction. This day more than any other is the driving force of all those horrible feelings I've had in culmination. The day we were supposed to celebrate forever is like 9/11 now (not to make light of that day by any means). I was torn. Do I go through this and suffer in silence all day or do I tell the people I've come to lean on? I've grown tired of talking about this, like I'm seriously annoyed by it and I hate doing it but at the same time I know how dumb it is to keep something like this to oneself and try to be OK. I told my new friend first, mainly because I talk to her the most at this point. When I did I could feel myself wanting to seek her out for comfort. She obliged knowing how rough it was for me however my dumbass didn't connect that she now works the program I used to and I ended up at the same training I used to be at annually with my eX that spawned our relationship... I parked then realized how awful an idea it was to be there, not to mention as I parked my eX realized what day it was and messaged me to acknowledge it. I told her I was not in a place to have that conversation and ended that which made me want to leave even more but as I was going to leave my new friend coaxed me inside to help ease my head. I sat at the computer to work and she came in and rubbed my back and gave me hugs and it felt good to be with her. She was working and obviously couldn't stay but periodically came back to check on me or called me over to hang out with her when she wasn't busy. We have a natural chemistry that isn't forced or manufactured and we had to remind ourselves that we were at work several times as a result. After her training I was split between waiting for her and going home. We both wanted to see each other but we didn't want to mix work and personal more than we already had. A funny story resulted involving me parking down the street and hiding out happened which I'll remember fondly. Then I had to go back to reality and pick the munchkin up. As soon as I parked that mental and physical anxiety hit. I walked in and struggled to talk, much less anything else. I struggled so mightily. The munchkin was being a little shit and I couldn't help. I tried but it was fake and he and I both knew it so he did what he wanted. I'm the muscle, the disciplinarian but that's when I'm me and I had no force behind my words. I almost left him there but I didn't want to start doing that when I felt low, my feelings aren't his fault and I have a job to do. Then my eX decided to talk to me about things and keep me updated. I greatly appreciated the efforts but there was no worse time than right then. It's not her fault but at the same time I did tell her where my head was. She asked about a day a few weeks in the future because she had plans and I almost freaked out but I reeled it in and jus ran away. She and I can talk another day, that day I jus didn't have it in me.... Now I'm awake at 6am.. Thankfully this day only comes once a year. Deauxes