Some sweet-talking girl comes along.

this hurts...........

          “           this isn’t an apology. you and i both know that apologies are meaningless here.          “          you wanna tell her that she’s picked up your bad habits. your stubbornness, your forcefulness, your ability to hold the ugliest of things deep in your heart to keep you going     ---------     your anger. she could hide it and disguise it as something different but you know that she has your anger to a t and that’s what you’re most sorry for.

you wish she had leo’s love. you wish she had his patience and his need to care and you wished that she knew just how happy you are that you’re in good hands. you were not built to be a parent and a fighter, to be a charmed one and a mother when you and your sisters are in constant danger. even the situation that you’ve landed yourself in, visiting her now can turn up to be potential signals but you’re tired. god, you’re weary and worn and you just want this life to end. no, this isn’t an apology. in another life, you would have loved her and sacrificed for her -------   lived for her and died for her but that life sounds far kinder than this one has been.          “     just be careful with your magic. be careful with yourself and tell wendy that i love her ( and i love you ) for looking after you.         “          answered for @bitesmorality !

               “          i’m afraid of maternity. i’m afraid of not being a good mother. i’m afraid of looking at my mistakes in the mirror and just seeing more.         “          it’s not magic that’s getting these thoughts out of you, oh no. it’s fear. it’s strong, it’s sickening and it’s doing away with you, gripping at your throat with ease like you deserve it.          “          phoebe and prue were always so good with kids. they would be such great moms but me? who would want a mother who panics? who can’t get a grip on herself? who beats herself on past mistakes and would have risked her entire existence for someone else?          “          who would want a mother who leaves her children is what you want to say. that’s a curse in this family. we leave the ones we love. we leave them in someone else’s care when all we need is our mother and father. you still had memories of your mother and they still haunt you. god, you had pleaded for her to come home... to realize her mistakes and come back home to your sisters.

         who would want me as a mother? who would want me to love them?

               “         it’s not safe anywhere. i’m not safe and i haven’t felt safe in a long time so let me do this! let me help you. god, why do you have to be as stubborn as joanna, sometimes?          “          through the eyes of someone else, this would be classified as risky behavior with the way you’re throwing yourself into the danger rather than running away from it but what have you really got to lose? you’re already a bad mother     --------     your cries for help and your pleading gone unanswered. this is who you’ve had to turn into when it comes to survival, with even the most powerful turning their back on you. you’re too risky. you’re going to get them killed. you’re too risky and it’s sad because you would have been so strong. your temper unchecked, your actions meaningless to you      ---------     it hasn’t been about safety in a long time and you’ve all but run away from that feeling. that feeling doesn’t belong to you.

         “          YOU need a distraction so let me be that. i can get some hits on that old fart before he does away with me so take melinda and get out of here. go! if i don’t make it, just tell her i loved her. i always did.          “     /     answered for @wouldntdie !