i’ll get it down in a proper headcanon sooner or later but like… i can’t stop thinking about how the way shuyin’s presence and his ability to take control of nooj made nooj feel even more uncomfortable in his own body. like… he was already uncomfortable thanks to the machina implants but shuyin completely fucked him up on the inside. granted, nooj was already pretty fucked up, but it was like… any progress he made or thought he was making was null and void because he was always feeling what shuyin felt. the hate, the anger, the sadness… and it wasn’t like he was aware that shuyin was there so he thought there was just something wrong with himself. and it wasn’t like he didn’t already feel these thing before, because he did. but the scale of his emotions vs. shuyin was so different. it was just… intense. even when he was in control he felt out of control…. he hid it pretty well, though. but, i mean, as a leader, how do you explain to anyone that you don’t trust yourself. or that you’re afraid of yourself… because he was. especially knowing he could do terrible things despite every fiber of himself on the inside screaming ‘no’. he was so, so afraid that another incident, like the one on the highroad, would happen. which brings me to how he’s afraid of or tries to avoid earning the trust of other, like… ugh, don’t even get me started.















