rosa

Hi, all! I'm Rosa, and I use this Blog to dump my thoughts, emotions and "art"- just a corner in this vast world where I want to feel 'belonged' despite feeling empty and lost in the real life. I'm sure you can relate too.

As you may be able to tell, I'm not in a good place physically and mentally speaking as of currently. This Blog then will be a testament to my growth working towards getting out of that, if any.

I guess that's all? Here’s to making new friends (and maybe foes lmao)!

Hey Tumblergh, I have hit a realisation. Perhaps, a conclusion to what I should do in regards to the recent fight I have with a friend, but first I will need a second opinion just in case this ‘conclusion’ turns out shitty.

After a week of time-out and going off-radar, I have done a lot of reflection on myself and our relationship as a whole. To be honest, I’m not so keen on continuing it anymore. Although there were good times, I always find myself struggling to keep up with my friends and tiptoe on a tight a line to save faces.

I’ve also realised how much an oddball I’ve been. Our trio often exclude me on various occasions, for various reasons unbeknowst to me, despite whatever I feel, and treat me worse than they treat each other. How come I’m always at the butt of everything?

Of course there were times that they were considerate and nice to me, and believe me, I recounted every single one of them but will they outweight the shitty things I receive? No. They never acknowledge what they did to me either and they’re way pass legal age to not think better.

They knew what they were doing.

Unfortunately, I have the self-esteem of a bullied five years old so my nervous system has always been fried. I tolerated every disrespect, small and big, to receive love. They made me suffer, now great at it too, for so long because I was afraid of being left to myself. All I wanted was friends.

Today, I thought to myself. Is it worth it to lower my head again and let them stomp all over me so I could be together with them? or would I give myself a chance to be by myself even if it means being alone rather than letting them fuck up my worth anymore?

I knew the answer. I knew from a long time ago but I was afraid to admit it. I was scared it will ruin me, crumble me into pieces.

I have to let them go.

This friendship is not good for me. They wreck me. They hurt me. I always fight to stay, and get in between them. I have absolutely nothing in common with them. They don’t share my interests, the things that I hold close to my heart. They don’t care about me. They know all the buttons to trigger me, and will not hesitate to push them all.

What friendship tear a person open?

I just think, we don’t have to absolve all contacts. We don’t have to cut each other off for old time sake, but we do need to stay distant from each other. Maybe stay as normal friends, not bestfriends anymore. Heck, I might be more thrilled to stay as normal friends because they treat these people better in my opinion.

I need to regain my confidence and self-esteem away from people capable of tarnishing them too but free from grieiving a dead persona as I have too much to mourn right now anyways. Just staying distant is perhaps the best way.

Of course I haven’t talk this out with them yet. I haven’t work out the details, and I haven’t gotten a second opinion. There is a chance that they will not agree to this- which I highly doubt- and will resort to cutting off instead. Either way, I gotta give myself a second chance.

A second chance to grow and blossom.

A second chance to love and cherish myself.

Hey Tumblergh, something world-shifting happened recently that I couldn’t stop blaming myself about. To summarise, I asked about a friend’s final mark to a lecturer (whom she hates) in a hangout with a mutual (whom she also hates) during iftar.

Upon knowing that I talked about her mark, although the mark itself is impressive in nature, she was heartbroken. She felt that I was inconsiderate because I exposed her privacy to people that I was aware she hated. I didn’t have much excuses either to defend myself, I told on her to people she hates.

Though what rubbed me wrong at the time was, she has always believe that I’m a telltale even though I’ve never did it— until recently. “I knew it would happen. I knew it,” she insisted. She said she had a feeling I would do it, to which I snickered internally.

From 2 years ago, she had a feeling.

She never viewed me in a good light. When something bad happened suddenly she was all “I knew it! I’m not surprised!”. It annoyed me, apart from it hurts me of course. When something bad that she always thought didn’t happen, she would always be suspicious anyways. To me, she had been waiting for me to slip up.

Pushing that aside, yes it did happened. I was conscious when I talked about her to the lecturer and our mutual. It just flowed out of my mouth naturally. “May I know, why XXX gets a B+ on her final exam?” I asked. The lecturer did not hesitate, and revealed the reasons. I relayed these reasons to her too by the way, to which she was still apalled by why must I ask.

“If I want to know the reason, I’ll ask him myself!” she said. However, what occured to me why she felt betrayed was not because of the mark itself but due to my invasive nature, asking about her mark directly to the marker vis-a-vis the lecturer without her knowing and my inconsideration towards her privacy by exposing her mark to a mutual she hates.

She was disappointed, and very rightfully angry that her close friend ‘leaked’ her information. My mind was in a haze throughout the fight. I didn’t know what to think, how to stand up for myself and most importantly, I feel shitty. I wish I could turn back time and undo it, but you know what else is shittier?

I telltale on myself lmao.

She wouldn’t have been mad had I kept that to myself, not like she would contact the two people she hated to check on me. I was stupidly honest and dug myself a hole. I shot myself in the foot then cried myself to sleep.

She told me she had always been cautious of me, since she witnessed how I treated our mutuals’ name behind their backs in front of a lecturer. She couldn’t name any specifics, just that she ‘remembered’, much to my disatisfaction.

“You’ve always been the last person I tell anything to. I’m disappointed but not surprised.” she expressed. That really hurts my feelings. As I’ve mentioned above, she has always had this negative perception of me prior to this incident anyways and has been treating me ‘guilty until proven innocent’ so to hear that, I know that if this incident never occurs she wouldn’t change that stance either. Like I said, I firmly believe she has been waiting for me to slip up.

She told me to not to send her any long texts, especially apologetic ones because she do not want to read them and will not be reading them. It was a lot harsher in person, you may never get the gist, but it will forever haunted me. The fight ended soon, at least we just stopped talking.

Now we both need time to cool down, particularly her. Me? I have my playbook. Somehow, I always find myself hurting the people I love the most with my lack of common sense no matter how pure my intention is. When it becomes a recurring pattern- hurting people I love- no matter what the factor is, I always go by the same principle; get off radar.

I learn through the hard way that expressing myself to anyone and at anywhere tends to backfire more than if I just stay quiet. In cases where I, too, is always the villain, being loud gets me marked and open many doors to get attacked.

My playbook suggests that laying low for an extended period of time can help lower that heat people has on me, just like any celebrities during a controversy. Stop interacting and posting makes people forget about me and that can include my past actions.

By the time I resurface, they might still remember them, and even be re-angered by it, but not as heated as if it happened yesterday, do you get what I mean? This is a classic PR move to fix public image, just that I’m appropriating this to somewhat rework my personal image on my friends’ minds.

Right now, I’m technically ‘dead’ everywhere. Removed my dp, about on WhatsApp and X, stopped posting on status and X as well as replying to any personal texts through PMs/DMs and groups. I’m only responding to family and work chats. I took the initiative to mute my friends who I know will trigger my emotions but tonight, I decided to call that off and face the triggers until I get used to it.

Previously, when I was ‘hibernating’, my playbook did not include this extensive Standard of Procedure (SOP). I merely stopped posting, but I find that as I go about in life and more shit happened, my playbook develop into a more detailed set of instructions that I must follow. I’m basically cutting everyone off temporarily, but I’m unsure if they get the memo.

For my close friends especially the one I’m talking about right now, they’re aware of my moves when I’m in dipshit like this. You can say, I’m predictable too but they might never see me going this hard on going off radar. This is the first time I’m completely shutting everyone out and over one person too.

Plus, this is about to go on for a longer period of time than they have witness me going.

Our internship makes it possible for this to happen. I’m planning to go for at least 4 months, just in time for graduation. I might go for longer, or shorter than 4 months but I will see how, depending on the situation.

The reason for the specific period is also because I’m 50-50 on the state of our relationship. Recounting our previous debacles, this is not the first time I messed up and we had a fight. Although we fought for many reasons, most of them had to do with me starting them.

However in my defense, there were many issues which she started that I didn’t bring up because I didn’t want to fight anymore. Had I bring them up, we wouldn’t stop fighting, I think.

By 2025, I have lost a of people. My abandonment issue is getting severe, that I’m running away and detaching before people can leave me first. I’m scared of going through the unfathomable pain again when I’m barely recovering from the last one. Which is why, I’m almost confident that she will leave me too and she will leave me first.

Before that can happen, I’m taking the time in these 4 months to detach myself first.

Although I asked her if she would cut me spontanenously the other day and she said no but she would need time to heal, I don’t want to leave it up to chance. I know there is a high chance she will leave me and I don’t want to take her ‘no’ for granted. I will start the moving on process first.

I have to get used to her absence fast and I have to find something to fulfill me in her absence. I’m trying to get used to the absence of our mutuals too though, I don’t know why I’m cutting everyone off.

I’m just scared, I guess. There is a high chance I can hurt everyone now. So.. I’m better off cutting everyone so no one can get hurt by me. I don’t deserve them anyway.

My internship date is approaching dangerously soon, yet I have not prepared myself with work settings and necessary knowledge like I have intended. I’m just laying around all day doing nothing, completely aware that I am wasting precious time because..

“This is all of my sem break that I’ve got.”

I wish I do not have this mindset. I wish I am not a huge procrastinator and a denier. It is one thing to acknowledge oneself as being a procrastinator but it is also important to not be in denial about it. I am worse as I am both.

I haven’t gotten out much either. No meeting with university friends other than two times, no hanging out with former secondary school friends (I reflected that some of these people sucks btw). My savings are running down like water stream down the creek.

I have been noticeably moody ever since I visited my internship place. I’m not talking with my family members (I have got emotional issues with them as well). I am avoiding them for many reasons but internship placement is one of them.

I don’t know what is going to happen to me. Will I continue my ‘gifted’ success and plough through obstacles with nothing but sheer fucking will? Will I succumb to the challenges on my knees and pray to god to take me instead? I. don’t. know.

Yesterday, I had an anxious meltdown due to my internship placement. I was not convinced that I could survive there for 5 months, and that it might eat me alive before I could graduate. The environment affected my self-esteem so bad that it is making me backtrack so many things.

13 days to go, I’m counting every seconds I got before I officially start working. Today, I spent the rest of the day trying to distract myself from the issues I discussed yesterday when suddenly, I got an urge to get out for some air. That was very rare to come by because I am not a fitness gal at all. I hate doing anything that makes me sweat.

I took out the bike that had gathered so much dust, and its tires nearly out of air, for a quick ride. I circled my neighbourhood for 10 minutes before stopping because I ran out of breathe. It was shabby work, but it clicked something on me. Seeing the sky, it instilled a newfound belief that the world is a lot bigger than I am. There more things left to wonder and explore beyond my horizon, so I shouldn’t feel like my issues are as big.

While sweating irritated me, my feelings were more clouded by determination. I’m not happy, relief of angry, I’m just determined. I have to find something to fight for, like a drive. I also figured a couple of missions I must complete to regain my self-esteem and composure back, so I can have some peace of mind as I go about my internship journey.

I worry so much about the future, but I don’t do anything to prepare myself for it. It is a disservice of me like I am planning to watch myself fail.

“The last intern- she was good- so I have high expectations (on you).”

Damn, the Exec. Prod. really got into my head. She also said that the she expects me to able to start working from day 1, I shouldn’t be tumbling. Thus, I should prepare myself before that day comes. The kind of news she wants, the kind service she requires.

Everybody told me that the transition into working life would be difficult. It’s not a classroom anymore, we’re not nearly the same ages anymore, and there is no teacher or lecturer or mentor to guide you from A-Z anymore. You’re on your own. I get it, but maybe I underestimated the journey itself.

I did not expect it would be smooth-sailing. Far from the perfect day 1, of course. I gave myself a pep talk on it too, and predict that my anxiety will rise from my first exposure. However, shit, I think I am about to lose my composure. New place, new people and new working flow are throwing me off, apart from a plethora of other things that about to fuck me as well.

Now, I curse a lot in real life but never as much in Tumblr, so I want to apologize about the vulgar language that accompanies this post. To put into context why I’m feeling this way, is because I am internally panicking about my internship company. In less than 2 weeks, I will be interning as a multimedia journalist cum assistant producer for an Islamic business, finance and halal subsidiary news agency.

At first, I think it is the perfect place for me. As a journalist, I aspire to be a business reporter. I think I can pull off being one and believe I have the capacity to do so. Being able to work in a place that focuses on this niche is a great opportunity. Although, this ‘dream’ is still a mere bud, I am not too keen on it yet because I have only learnt about it in my recent semester.

The work culture is different that the standard, mainstream news agencies as well. At ‘M’ (I prefer to not disclose real sensitive information that can be identifiable to me in real life so let’s just call this company ‘M’), they only work during weekdays which is already a bizzare practice in the information and communication industry. Then, they also adopted to work remotely or work-from-home on Fridays, something not even most corporate companies do too.

The pay is not bad either, pretty standard for an intern. I can afford to pay rent and still have majority of the pay left for me to save and splurge. Although the transportation took a lot of time and brainwork to figure out, I might be able to manage it. See, the setting is great, right?

Here lies the issues. I am starting to feel like an imposter amongst them. I feel like I am just here to ‘play a journalist’ instead of being one while these people are real media practicioners. Am I going to be able to do what they do? Can I achieve their skills in just 5 months? Will I be able to meet their expectations? God knows.

Aside from my overthinking, my social anxiety is skyrocketing through the roof too. I went to the premise today to visit the Executive Producer whom I will be working under directly and the team. My first impression of them, they are curious of me but they are not approachable. The guys, who I believe are the cameraman cum videographers, are the hardest of the bunch so far. They wouldn’t even spare me a glance, what’s more responding to my attempt at small talk.

I got to talk with some people in the higher editorial position, they are nice thus far. I wanted to engage with the others too but many weren’t there when the Exec. Prod. introduced me since I arrived during lunch time. God I want to socialize but they.. scare me. I do not have the capacity in me to be mean and nonchalant. I’m nice, maybe clumsy, and a people-pleaser. The whole meeting experience make me feel small and humble.

They sat me at a table that belongs to another journalist, currently overseas. They said I could sit there for the time being but, I would have like to sit at my own table to be honest. I am territorial but also a socially awkward gal, imagine walking into work and seeing the table that you’re used to working on finally reunited with its owner and now you have to find a new table to sit on that could possible be anywhere. I have to adapt and shift my point of universe (this is how I describe the feeling of being anchored to a particular working spot) again. It is so much mental work.

Unfortunately, I did not raise these issues with the Exec. Prod. before I went home because this is supposed to be an independent news agencies, equipped with independent media practicioners so independent people deal with issues independently. I also know that they will not have time to help me sort out my problems that I should be discussing with a therapist instead. They are not paid enough to rewire an intern’s brain.

I tried sleeping it off, it did not work. I wanted to talk it out but I’m just feeling unloved so much by everyone today, especially my mom and close friends. They did not seem to care about my internship like this is not just a big fucking deal to me? They did not even bother to ask or chime in. I wouldn’t have done the same shit to them, that’s for sure.

Dear Tumblr, 2025 is truly a year of new beginnings. So much has happened that I don’t know where to begin. My heart breaks as I step forward into this near-instantaneous shift, forcing myself to gulp down the fact that I’m leaving a lot of people, whom I have loved with all of my heart, behind.

Oh, I wanted to stomp the ground and shout to the sky for many weeks. How gut-wrenching my life has been! These people, now absent from my surrounding, their laughter and screams ringing in my ears, are as good as dead. I am no better than a grieving person, mourning the death of many walking deads.

I have cut off, and been cut off. I have hurted, and been hurted. I have tarnished, and been banished— but the fire that burns me to ash, are the same fire that lit my rocket uphill. Thus may God be my witness, may growth be my testament, of the grilling roads and scorching hot sun I have endured. The thunderous cloud and flood that changed my scenery.

I pray that the sky clears a path for sunlight soon, so my gaze can fall onto a rainbow— formed just for me. I would be on my knees, bent, my hands clasped, my eyes teared, thanking God for the sight behold for the ordeal I was put under.

As of now, these walking deads are steel balls chained to my feet. Our memories haunt me occasionally, as I hope they do too towards them corpses. When I reach the end of my degree, half a year later, I hope to be freed of my own sentiment towards them and find new people to love.

Dear Tumblergh, I have contemplated on a very important question that I wouldn't see myself asking months ago when I struggled with moving on. Do I miss him, the way he so outwardly misses me? Now take note that we are talking about a man whose feelings are so reserved and has an ego the size of Himalayan mountains that admitting he is missing a girl- me, nonetheless- is out of his character.

The fact that he posted on his status that he talked about his ex to his friends (when I am the latest ex), and posted a poem yearning about a time that he couldn't get back during the time of love and comfort because he chose to step back first (an accurate depiction of what happened between us) made me feel bad for him.

Why? Did I miss him too? I mean, I think about him occassionally but I no longer write poems about him or likened and reposted tweets or posts that hint towards him or our relationship. I have stopped entertaining any ideas between us, at least in real life.

Deep down, god that poem was so good, like any of his poems. I never knew he could write something like that, but I have only come to know his talent after we broke up. It started when I begin writing poems to cope, then when I started hinting I'm making progress moving on, he followed suit writing some only that his are in our mother tongue.

To be honest, I am itching to text him after he posted that poem. I want to know how he is doing but I also know how it would end up. He would play hard to get, and I would play pathetic, in the end I would feel bad and maybe having to heal from scratch.

Dear Tumblergh, a lot has happened lately. Long story short, I became a part of Campus Election Committee (CEC) who will be overseeing the upcoming election in my university. I chaired the committee as the Secretary. Under the main CEC, will be Faculty Executive Commitee (FEC) who will help oversee the election on faculty grounds.

Supposedly, I have to become the Chairman of my faculty’s FEC but since I got elected into the main CEC through the recent Student Parliament, the position was vacant. In an ideal situation, it would be best for someone within the High Council of the Faculty Student Secretariat to replace me but unfortunately, none was willing. No words could describe my disappointment.

Until- I offered the position to another member in the secretariat who is also my friend. I offered the position to him because although he never joined the previous election as part of the committee, he was experienced enough to know the structure of the election committee and the flow so I have trust on him. Gladly, he took the position. Suspiciously quick as well.

Fast forward, there were two meetings held prior to the election starting; one between CEC and FEC while another between both bodies with our Vice Chancellor. My friend who is now the newly appointed Chairman of our faculty’s FEC, couldn’t attend the meetings since his appointment into the position was last minute anyways.

Instead, my Vice President (VP) went ahead on his behalf. I went too, but representing the CEC as Secretary. My VP was supposed to brief my friend after the meeting concluded but he didn’t. I assumed he did, so when I texted my friend on his updates, he got sarcastic with me which I did not appreciate.

“Meaning? Nobody briefed me anything yet lol”

I was genuinely asking, why would you try to be snarky with me? This is regarding work, he could’ve just said he hasn’t started with anything. Then I went ahead to ask him if I could brief him instead, which he was okay with but it had to be through texts. Now, I have no problem with that but me and my friend- he was one of the people I’m so comfortable talking on the phone with and sometimes he’d like to call too.

I thought the situation was a bit tense so I said “hmm suspicious” to imply that usually we would prefer to call or Google Meet. Rarely ever texting regarding work as far as I’m concerned but he took it the wrong way and went,

“What is so suspicous about texting? Lmao.”

Again I do not like the sarcastic tone. What’s with him tonight? What pissed him off? Not only did I offer to brief him, but this is how he treated me? Fucking hell, and I know it might not seen like it in here, Tumblergh but he talked in our mother tongue and it was downright nasty.

Anyways, I was shook but I brushed it off and went to brief him anyway. I spammed a lot of things too for him to look through, which should be met by a simple thank you but knowing him, he might just reacts 👍🏼 to everything.

Listen, I do not want or need more people to be making me more stressed than I am. A fight with one of my bestfriends is the last thing I need right now, in amidst the stress of election and sickness. Yes, I finally fell sick from overworking.

I don’t get what is his deal, and I know once he’s pissed like this that it will not subside until further notice. But why me? Why do I have to be at the receiving end of this? I do not want to bring up anything but if anything big going in his life right now is his family and his potential suitor.

GOD, how am I gonna pee?

Hurt myself while shaving my pussy today. It was the first time I accidentally cut a skin open since reaching puberty there. There was too much blood for my liking so I only did what I thought would be good, to bandaid it like this, on my pussy.

I believe I’m in a fight. A quarrel. A disagreement with my bestfriend. I don’t think it is over something big, but I also feel like he may have been pent up on an issue about me that he don’t want to raise in the first place. My chest hurts. I hate this feeling, this shake in my voice, this ache beating within and my mouth dry from all the saliva sucked back into my throat.

We had a meeting for an event that consisted of other bureau as well. My bestfriend and I, we are in the same bureau that is in charge of food enterpreneurship. We had a couple meetings before but this particular one was the most infuriating one because I feel really alone. I asked more questions than getting answers back. Even my bestfriend was not as engaging as he used to be in our previous meetings.

Anyhow, we didn’t quarrel as obvious but he did got harsh with me- though subtley still got me by surprise- as I was only used to him being gentle. My best guess is he got tired of all these meetings because we ended up discussing the same things again and again. My second best guess is he is tired but of me.

Throughout the semester break, after his long hiatus, I have been reliant on him emotionally. Anytime I feel like talking about something, throwing a tantrum, gossiping, I’ve always turned to him. Lately, there are a lot of tantrums because my ass is insecure and scared to go to the Students Parliament that will be held next week.

I’m so frightened that I just want to depend on him 100% as if I’m not the President. I would only go there if he is there, I would only study about the Parliament if he will study with me and I would form things to suggest if he does like- where does my autonomy goes? He must be tired but since we are friends, he obviously wouldn’t say anything about this to me.

I might be overthinking but I genuinely believe this is true. Why wouldn’t it? I’m depending on him for so much. He must be annoyed. He must be mad. Frustrated even, like why is someone he is supposed to look up to or someone who is supposed to lead him is asking HIM to take the reins? I’m not a leader material in his eyes, it must seemed.

My other guess would be because he been doing a lot of work in the bureau lately. I didn’t seem to carry much me thinks. In terms of surveying and planning although we did discuss together but it does feel like he carried the brainstorming, the brain. I’m just a mouth, asking and questioning things. It must be exhausting.

All of these happened at the same time.

I’m not surprised if he is mad due to all three reasons.

I’m very self aware of how annoying I could be.

Initially, I wanted to bombard his chat tomorrow since he wouldn’t reply to my text but he’d reply in the group chat. I bet if I said anything in the group chat then he wouldn’t reply to any of mine either so I would like to spare the heartbreak. I think I’d text him the day after tomorrow instead, when I’m sure he might have cooled down. I’ll see how his stories look like in these couple of days. If they seem fine, it’s green light.

If I can’t even see his stories then that’s a bad sign. He might be talking shit about me (highly unlikely) or he just went hiatus again. I might have to wait until the actual day to talk to him if he’s even willing to talk to me.

Dear Tumblergh, I had a long call with my bestfriends. I told them about him and what happened recently (see old posts) which raised an important question-

“What are you still doing with that guy?”

One of my friends, Bea, asked. She was under the impression that after I burned the memoribilia I dedicated to my first love, I would have been a lot serious on moving on. I should have locked in, but when he came back, I gave him an ample space to settle in my head and undoubtly in my heart. I still care.

This annoyed my bestfriends because now, it seemed like all of the dramatic ritual I made was pointless. This guy could waltz in and demanded my attention, and I would give it wholeheartedly. Yes of course it took time to move on but I am not showing enough effort by not putting him on the sideline.

Bea knocked some sense into my head. I should’ve been stricter. The ritual should’ve meant more. Thus, after the call ended, I spent hours mindlessly scrolling down Twitter (nobody calls it ‘X’) just liking relatable tweets that hit too close to home. My fingers might be scrolling but my head be busy interpreting what Bea had said.

I decided to scroll my private chat instead on WhatsApp. Prior to us breaking up, I drafted a really long, heartfelt yet direct message to send to him later. I thought I deleted it when he asked to break up but I didn’t, although I never got the chance to send him that text. I read it intently, trying to live in that moment back again and feel exactly how I felt during that period.

Some paragraphs choked me. It reminded me how painful it was to be in that heavily one-sided relationship. The nonchalance was through the screen. I almost cried but the tears won’t come out. Then, I saw a few screenshots after the text. It was a few days after we broke up maybe. The screenshots were of our conversation when we broke up.

His words, was sharply penetrative. I was going to send him that long text I drafted but he immediately chimed in with his own. He insisted first thing that we weren’t in a serious or in any relationship, so he wasn’t obligated to update me on his life. He went on how the relationship drained his energy (as if mine not?) and that he felt like he had been lovebombing me so not truly loving me.

He just didn’t want to continue and I ended up agreeing to everything he said like a dumb motherfucker, coaxed him some more and stepped back. I was trying too hard to be respectful when I was getting hurt a LOT! I couldn’t believe I let myself got stepped over like that. In addition, he grew bigger audacity to refuse to apologise because it would hurt me more? It will hurt regardless, you might as well not make it a vengeful one.

If it were up to my memory alone, everything were in a haze. Memories can change and they are highly subjective in relation to the emotion that is attached to the memory. Seeing the screenshots and the undeleted draft message gave me a window into time and an objective reminder that he did not give me an ounce of grace when I had pour all of my best into him.

As if that playback was not enough, I decided to scroll through our chat too, or whatever is left of it. I listened to his recordings when he first found out that all of my hints, stories and ritual were about him, then his wishes for me, some awkward tries (I still tried to see if I could rekindle us damn) and lastly when he wished my birthday. At the time, I had just unblock him after blocking him for one day.

I didn’t know if he could see that update but he never questioned it so I guess he couldn’t. I had my own birthday wish drafted for him (that I did send out right on 11:59 p.m) which when I compared to his birthday wish at our chat… the striking difference. The wishes, the overall effort and vibes were not parallel. Perhaps because the amount of care was never similar. It hurts to realize that now.

Now, I’ve seen and reminded myself of all the things that happened. The mean ones especially. There is no future for me here yet I’ve convinced myself that I’m soulmate with this horrible person? I even scared myself from not deleting his number because what if he couldn’t see my status anymore and questioned it? You are right, WHO GIVES A FUCK?! I should come FIRST!!

I had to remind myself too that when I went on a two months hiatus, he didn’t once bother to hit me up asking about it and instead- doing what I should’ve been doing all this while- went on about his day! Like a champ! Why do I have to care about his feelings so much when he never considered mine?

I contemplated too much. The most I should do is block and delete his number then unfollow him on all socials. That is it. I know what I’m scared of, I’m afraid there will still be future with us and that if I know there is, I might be willing to wait. At the same time, he is a long time friend before he was a lover. I am a sentimental bitch so letting things go is harder than it seems. Other than that, I will miss him and I’d also want him to see what’s up with me like I want him to see I’ve glow up and realised what he had lost.

I know.

I sound like a fucking loser right now.

The best treatment for mistreating me should’ve been no more direct access to me. Not just him, anyone. I have been holding onto nostalgia rather than having a real grip on reality. It is really sad because none of this is serving any benefits to me at all. I’m the only one getting hurt too.

Dear Tumblergh, a lot has happened recently. To summarise, I have decided (as I should have from a long time ago) to move on from my first love. We have a long history that stretched way back to two years ago. He was the one and only man, and an experience that I ever come close to a real romantic relationship so in the light of that obvious lacking in references, it is very devastating on my part.

I burned a poem and a couple bookmarks I dedicated to him from two years ago when he rejected me (the bookmarks were prior) at night on a random tuesday or wednesday. It was significant that I got rid of those memoribilia because if I have anything more that reminded me of him, it’ll made moving on harder.

I also recorded and edited a video about it which gain traction among my friends.. as well as him. He texted me about the video, claiming he didn’t know it was about him or that all this time, all of my poems had been about him, my posts, my hints of insane yearn. I just.. yelled at him for that response, he was so oblivious and frustrating.

He reassured me that if we are meant to be together, we’ll find our way back to each other which is a nice thing to say but I’m tired of hearing it because I’ve told myself that a million times already. Afterwards we did text again when he initiated, even call which took me by huge surprise. I was cathartic by his invitation.

“You just want (a place) to rant, right? Let’s call.”

However, things took a sharp left from there. He immediately went cold and distant, like he had always been. I thought at first I’ve got a chance to salvage our relationship which is stupid yes because even after burning those memories, I still have hope for him but this time he made it clear that he doesn’t want anything to do with me. You know what they call this type of people?

Asshole.

Hope-giving-motherfuckers.

I posted some Twitter screenshots and poems on my WhatsApp status and Instagram stories about moving on and being abandoned. It is how I cope with pain and apparently, severe attachment issues. He posted Tik Toks too and today a poem in our mother tongue. This is just how we’re communicating lately and somehow, none of us know if we are doing it right.

Listen, I know he’s not the best guy there is. My heart only thinks so because he fits my type perfectly and like I said, he is my one and only experience so I have nobody to compare him to. He won without competing. I also acknowledge that I’m having a hard time moving forward because I cling to the nostalgia of us, and the possibilities of “what ifs” and “what could’ve been”. I couldn’t give anyone or myself a chance.

This hurts but nothing wounded cannot heal with time. Plus, it’ll leave a scar but a reminder could be helpful in the future. Day by day, I try to make a step forward towards moving on. I don’t want to pretend that he’s dead or he never existed, because that would also mean leaving our memories unacknowledged. I, too, refuse to demonise him so I could hate him and move on. He is still as good as he can be to me.

Instead, I will just look for other things to enrich myself and be the best version of myself. Be my own type so no man can easily impress me in terms of attracting me. Improve myself so much that my future partner doesn’t have to deal with my baggages such as this, or if I don’t find a partner either, I can be completely content just by myself.

Of course, I hope that this experience does not make loving traumatising. I have seen what this can do to people. I don’t want the same thing to happen to me. I want to continue loving with purpose, choosing to love again and again, courageously, even though I risk getting hurt.

Because eventually, I know this love will triple itself on me.

Dear Tumblr, if you have been keeping up (and keeping it real) with me, you’d know that there is a consistent character who I have a romantic attachment to but not necessarily reciprocated of course. Ever since he texted me again, I have been imagining us just.. kissing. Kissing HOT. In a faculty lift, at his university.

At first it was a peck. I started it of course because I am an emotional wreck all the time and has zero regard for shame. He froze when our lips touched for the first time. Actually he already was when my hands cupped his cheeks, pulling his face closer to mine since he is taller than me.

His eyes widened at the strange texture of another person’s lips that he is heavily unfamilliar with. Not like he was familliar with anyone else’s either, he just had his first kiss! This is what it’s like to touch someone else’s lips with his own lips! I couldn’t blame him either, it was my first time too but I mustered everything in me to keep it cool.

Our faces were just inches close. I can feel him breathing down my face when I asked him “Can I kiss you? Or are you seeing someone?” which was weird to ask. Way to potentially ruin the mood too because it doesn’t matter if he did or didn’t see someone else, if he said no then it was no.

So he said no.

But he said “No, I’m not seeing anyone else”.

I smiled and tip toed to get closer to his face. “Okay, then I can kiss you” I said before smashing my lips against him. I made sure to allign our lips together so they properly meet, as I feel his flatten against mine. At that second kiss was when he finally closed his eyes and gave in.

His arms- initially dumbfounded and straightened not knowing what to do- found its way wrapped around my waist, supporting me who was tip toeing to reach him. As he drew me closer into his chest, my arms circled around his neck, engulfing him completely into a hot, breathy kiss. My legs almost dangling off the floor but I insisted on not letting him go.

Now Tumblr, take note that this was our first kiss. Both of us were first time kissers. In the beginning, we just keep smashing lips, moving our lips around and changing the placement of our heads. As we create momentum though, and feel a LOT less shameful, my tongue tried to penetrate his lips, in which he responded by letting me entered to freely explore the insides of his mouth.

The kiss deepened. Our lips just plastered onto each other’s faces with our tongues deep into our throats respectively (anomatically impossible but metaphorically accurate) We just wanted more of each other. My legs went numb and spaggethi, not because I was tired but due to the arousal that circulated throughout my body. I just feel HOT, like in heat. Heat stroke.

He knew that my legs have gave in, but he didn’t seem like he wanted to end it either. At some point, I thought he was more aggressive than me, because he took lead and tighten his hold around my waist. His face just got so into mine as he lowered his head more, so my legs didn’t have to dangle or tip toed on the floor anymore.

His aggression, and resistant to letting me go- even to catch some breath- resulting in me almost suffocated and moaned in his mouth. It wasn’t even erotic at first, but when I started moaning, his right hand travelled from my waist to my back then pushing my shoulder closer into him. His left hand went further down just right above my hips, rubbing me through my slacks.

Being ticklish, I would laugh out of defense but my struggle to escape that tickling feeling in combination with my intense arousal, made me moan. In return, he deepened the kiss and rub me some more as if he was encouraged by my response. I was baffled by this man like who are you? A few minutes ago he was frozen like he was struck by lightning when our lips graze each other’s.

Anyhow, we needed to breath sometime soon and I needed to catch mine earlier than him. My left hand left his neck and cupped his cheek, rubbing his face gently as if to say “pause, let me fucking pull away for a minute”. At first he seemed unresponsive, like he didn’t want to heed to that request.

Eventually, both my hands went to cup his face and I have to slowly pull away from him while he still insisted on the kiss. Our mouths finally depart, forming a few long lines of mixed salivas on our lips. That was when I gasped loudly for air, as if I had been underwater for a long time. He did too but he seemed like he was covering it up than me.

I pulled him closer until our foreheads touching. My hands around his neck, intertwining my fingers together while we both heaved from the deep kiss we just had. In the first few seconds, we were speechless and refused to see each other’s eyes but then, we erupted in laughter. Nothing about that was funny but we were having some of the best times in our lives in a public place where anyone could’ve walked in.

I wiped the saliva off his lips, when I noticed that his lips were redder than when we didn’t kiss prior. Were those bruises? Was the kiss brutal? He wiped mine away in favour, which made him raised an eyebrow. I suspected that he must be thinking of the same thing, that my lips must be strikingly red.

You know, apart from the smudging of red lipstick all over my mouth.

His hand went back to around my waist. We just stared into each others’ eyes, longing for something but what is it? Do we want to be by each others’ side? I don’t know. I know he doesn’t know it either, but we just smiled at each other. This could be fun, huh?

Even if this is just an imagination, it already brighten up my day. What if it really happened? Would it brighten my whole world?

Yesterday night, all I could think of was him, and so were any other nights. Lately, he’s been liking my photos on Instagram stories a lot which raised my suspicions. I had my coins on a bet that he would text me soon and he would text me first. It took a while but after the first few likes, he texted me first.

He deleted the text initially, followed by “Sorry, I accidentally press a button and hit reply”. I raised my eyebrow at that excuse. Yes, it sounded like an excuse.

A lousy excuse.

I wasn’t fussy about it either as I did have been waiting for him to text anyway even if it’s by accident. I was right nonetheless; he did text me, and he texted me first. I tried to play it cool, asking what’s up like that deleted text didn’t bother me. In reality, I was howling to myself. “I told you so! He came back?!” I cackled, which was so the opposite of cool.

“you missed me, huh?” I asked again. I didn’t know what got into me, I just thought to myself like let’s test the water to see where he is at right now, emotionally. If he responded positively, I’d take it as a go. To my disappointment, he shot that down as quickly as the question came. I was a bit dejected, but his casual response didn’t mean anything else either, just that he didn’t miss me.

Then again, he wouldn’t tell me if he missed someone else.

The conversation got upbeat as we got to talking. Just random stuffs like singing, about him posting really sad statuses, about me spamming mine. I missed this, us. I had to admit that, maybe I haven’t completely move on. I really missed him. I even thought of morphing the conversation into a phone call even, just because I missed his voice. I decided to not do that out of self-respect that I built for myself over the couple months.

I tried to milk the conversation, just talk about something a little while longer. I didn’t want him to go away, and let the conversation died out just like that. I ended up opening up about my best friend (whom I talked once here, and had a temporary crush on which was CRAZY and) whom had a familial-financial related personal problems. I asked him of his opinions, which he took the role adorably seriously.

I didn’t open up about too many things on my best friend as I kept it very vague, and I addressed mostly about my concerns on their circumstances and past self-inflicted abuses. He asked me a couple of questions as well, and gave me his opinion from a bystander P.O.V. I appreciated it, although his was not any different from mine.

I already knew what to do, it’s just that it’s a woman’s things to pretend to be dumb in certain situations in the presence of someone they like. Not that we are acting inferior, we crave the attention and just want to reel the guys in. Other than perhaps sometimes having the guys do all the work for us hehehe but the guys feel great to help too.

The conversation, like our situationship, met its end eventually. I said my thanks and bid him goodbye while he sent a sticker which I left on read. Somebody has to leave the chat, right? I prefer it to be me because I have a thing that if I’m the one left on read, I look at myself like I’m desperate. Most people might not care, so I take that generalization to my advantage.

Today, my day went as normal as it can be, per routine. I still think about him, which is also true to routine. My yearning for him might die down a little, but my feelings are harder to kill. I know it is not healthy and beneficial to stay emotionally attached to someone, but I don’t know if it’s any healthier to find a rebound; someone who I’ll form another relationship with in order to forget or move on from my past relationship.

Dear Tumblr, my iPhone recently notified me of the maximum storage usage that I have apparently reached. In order to free up some space, I have to delete a lot of photos and videos to make room for new ones. Tons of them were just club posters, dumb videos and memes.

As I was deleting the photos and videos, I have also walked down the memory lane against my will. It took me to the time when I was happy, sad, angry and frustrated. It was reflected in my selfies, memes and chat screenshots I took of the time. Part of the journey that really impacted me was the time when him and I were together, although the relationship was long-distance and exclusively online.

Now, we had ‘broken up’ for 2 months now. We talked during my birthday and that one time when he wanted Uncle Bob’s Fried Chicken (see my older posts) but other than that, we stopped talking to each other. It was really hard for me to move on and get a hold of myself after the situationship ended because let’s face it— I was in love with him! It was not anything casual or situational about us for me.

As I deleted old photos where my eyes sparkled alive or screenshots showing our calls at night, I couldn’t help but feel super sad. I thought I had gotten over us for a long time, and that I don’t want to have anything to do with him anymore but I found myself grieving over a relationship that didn’t even have a label. I let that happened to myself, I couldn’t believe it. I even thought of reaching out again to him but I know I couldn’t, shouldn’t and wouldn’t. That would be low of me.

In addition, I know he just got over another ‘break up’ or maybe even got dumped by another girl after me. At first it broke me knowing that damn he got someone else while I was stuck thinking about him? He posted his grievances online too, through WhatsApp status which he never done with me. Clearly, this girl is more impactful to him, making me sad and insecure.

Looking from a different angle though, it was kind of satisfying and fascinating to see him struggle through that. When we called off the situationship, I had the hardest time to move on. Literally non-functional and just moved on autopilot for a long time. He was.. okay back then so to see him suffer in a similar fashion to mine, it makes me vengeful like oh? He does possess human emotions, he just doesn’t have some for me. Seeing him deal with it the way I did, kind of even things out for me.

He was merciless with me, I’m glad he got his retribution.