love's lost, and found, and glory-bound

SHE DOES LOVE ME she literally came home in a pull i thought had no 3* at 0 pity. i pulled seiun sky on my first 10pull and i was like. fuckkkkkk okay it's over and then on my literal next 10. one of the gold gates lit up rainbow and i was like. okay no shot BUT IT WAS HER yayyyyyyyy biafuji is back on the menu

remembered that i felt (feel) sometimes that fuji never really loved me like i loved her and it kinda fuckin hurts i can't lie. i have all this fuji merch in my room and i kinda don't know what to do with it because sometimes i go between missing her horribly and sometimes i can't even look at her. often both. her formalwear banner should be live right now but i kinda can't bring myself to even log into uma rn because like. i can't look at her and know that i had to give up on her because i felt like i was too much for her to love. i cannot do that and feel okay. as i'm typing this i have 2 standees and a figure of her staring me in the face. i wish i could feel like she'd love me but like. i can't help but feel like she would either not see me that way at best or at worst be afraid of me, afraid of loving me and all my emotions. i wish i knew what to do. i wish i could find it in my heart to believe that she would ever be capable of loving me in the way that i want to be loved but i just can't believe that. i miss her so much but i . i don't know. i don't know how to do this it hurts

i'm getting really sick of people pretending that their kinks exist in a fucking vacuum. "it's playing pretend!!!" and pray tell why is it that "pretending" your partner is your family member makes you want to fuck them? like i'm sorry but why is "kinkshaming" seen as worse than people wanting to fuck their family members on this website. "what people do behind closed doors is none of your business though!!!" it's not, and i don't want it to be my business. but when you start posting publicly about it, it stops being "behind closed doors"

made myself sad talking to maris about this but like. i just can't ever imagine someone IRL seeing me as i am and still wanting to be with me. i'm 24 and i've never even had a kiss. i don't know if i ever will. i'm loved but they're all worlds away from me. i wish they weren't because i know CB would still love me even if i'm having trouble taking care of myself. it's just hard because i can't even stand to look at me sometimes. i can't even imagine another person wanting to look at me all the time and live with me and be around me all the time