dear karma

dear karma,

you know you’re a fucked up person if you can’t even imagine someone loving your in your dreams, in your fantasies when you can dream yourself into being the best version of you. I guess that’s what having fucked up parents does to a kid. somehow I believe in myself so much and not at all. I tell myself that I only deserve the best, but I also tell myself that I'm never ever going to be good enough to deserve anything

dreaming of you use to carry me through, calm me down. but it doesn’t work anymore. somehow the future looks so dark and I'm scared, because I have no choice but to keep going. I don’t wish I was dead, I just wished that I simply didn’t exist. and those two thoughts are very different. or maybe they’re not. maybe I'm just too scared to die in case I fuck it up and don’t actually die. maybe I'm just scared of the pain. 

I tell myself I deserve the world, but it’s hard to believe when there’s someone in your ear constantly telling you how you don’t deserve anything at all, that your entire existence was a mistake they regret. I didn’t ask to be born, I certainly didn’t ask to be abused. I wish I could run away, far away. I wish you could take me away from this nightmare, back into the dreams where I use to be comforted by you.

I miss you. I always miss you. I miss the childhood I never had and I miss the adulthood that’s just passing me by.

I love you. forever and always

dear karma,

I miss you, but I suppose I always miss you. it’s been a shit day, week, month, year. my parents are at it again. they’re just slowly grinding away at my soul, wearing me down.

do you think we could go to the beach and watch a sunset? I think I'd like that. just walk into the ocean and disappear. that would be nice

do you think life works out in the end? that it truly gets better? because I tell myself that it will, but I've been saying the same damn shit for 25 years and well, nothing’s changed. I guess for some of us, life isn’t meant to be. we fight and we fight and nothing changes. it stays the same and we just keep on suffering, keep on dying

I can hear them talking about me in the next room, laughing. it hurts, but it always hurts. like I said, nothing changes

I hope that I'll get to be with you one day. it will be our own little heaven. and I won’t have to miss you so much. I just want you beside me that’s all

dear karma,

I miss you. I wish you were here to hold me, to tell me everything is going to be ok. I want you here to give me a hug and give me a kiss on my shoulder and murmur that you love me against my skin. it’s hard living here. I wish you could come and save me, to whisk me away, be my knight in shining armour. 

I hope I can meet you soon. to find out that you exist, not only in my dreams.