Dear Frat Star

Dear Frat Star,

It was lovely seeing you in New York this past weekend.

It seems destiny had plans for us to see each other one last time before I graduate. How lovely the situation presented itself. I went to New York on a trip with a friend and yet you still found out I would be there; what a small circle we swim in. 

Seeing you that night and walking through Times Square together was the most surreal experience I have had in my life. Considering this time last year we barely knew each other and were having coffee in this little town in the middle of nowhere. My how far we have come, in more than one way.

I still remember everything about that night, but its not my mind that remembers it, instead it is my heart. You will always have a home there regardless of what title our relationship is labeled under. I am a believer in the theory that there are some people who are just meant to be in your life. I was able to be around you and simply appreciate your presence without any emotional attachment. Well, almost no attachment. I did get a lump in my throat when I flew over the Manhattan skyline and realized that you were only getting farther from me with each second that passed.

But I am OK. Not fantastic, not terrible,but OK. 

xoxo A

There is no doubt that time will move you on. Regardless of what you are feeling; happiness, sadness, or otherwise, it will not last forever. The true test in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive.Is a life worth living if you question whether you are really alive?

As a new year starts once again I find myself not much different than I was this time last year. Yes, I'm a little older and a little wiser, but I want to challenge myself to feel alive and not merely exist.Last year was worth it's weight in gold as far as life lessons were concerned. The most important of which was, you can't make someone fall in love with you.

The following is what I want to accomplish this year:

1.I want to be a part of things that will make my heart race in a good way.

2.I want to start something that is aimed at helping others and not focused on me.

3.I want to change my lifestyle so that I can feel fulfilled.

4.I want to travel.

5.This year will bring unavoidable changes (graduation, new job, new city, new phase of life) and I want to approach them with determination, not fear.

There will always be changes taking place in our lives and each new experience is a layer of who we will be a year from now, five years from now, and so on for the rest of our lives. 

Dear Frat Star,

I accepted a full time job offer today. It will not be taking me to the crown metropolis of New York City.While you live in the actual heart of America and take in the East Coast style, I will be soaking up the California rays in San Francisco. I think this is the epitome of divine intervention stepping in and letting destiny take its course. So Frat Star this is as far as we go.

This will be my last letter and when I say last I mean it. It may be the fact that I am going into my last semester of college or that turning 22 has sped up my maturity at warp speed, but regardless I have come to the conclusion that I deserve someone better.

I deserve someone who doesn't send pictures and videos of them with other women. Someone who has the class to leave his arrogance at the door before coming into my life. I want someone who admires my drive and respects my goal. You look at my drive as a threat and you try to belittle me. I've realized this recently. You're not an asshole, you just try so hard to be one. I've outgrown you and I'm glad I never compromised who I was at your expense.

Good luck in New York, I hope you find some sense of happiness, whatever that may be for you. Don't think you are irreplaceable sweetheart, you are a tall, handsome, white guy; aka a dime a dozen in the looks department. Work on your personality or you may die alone.

Take as many bites out of the Big Apple as you want, you will never find another like me.

Dear Frat Star,

Remember that guy I told you about a few weeks ago? The one who was a better kisser than you? The one I was convinced was going to prove my point that you were just an awful person? Well kings to you Frat Star because he proved the complete opposite.

He started off a complete gentlemen; spent time with me at his fraternity (not the same as yours, far less elite as well) and walked me home. After the initial meeting he was quick to try and pull a few moves that I didn't mind. He was a divine kisser, I will give him that. However, he was also completely out to get in my pants and nothing made it more evident than the fact that he kept hinting at a date that never really seemed any closer to actually happening. Then there was the obvious flashing red warning question of "are we going any further than this?" following the FIRST time we EVER made out!

Hold on to your pants Frat Star because Douche Star outdid himself this afternoon. After hanging out with me for three weeks and introducing me to most of his fraternity and spending multiple nights hanging out, he sent me this gem of a text:

"Hey listen, I think we should see other people. You're a stunning girl, but I'm searching for something different."

Translation: You're not putting out and I'm looking to get lucky so I need to look for that in greener pastures...

Kudos Frat Star, this guy gave you some major points. You never pushed to get in my pants. You may have pulled some shitty moves,but you are no longer the only one in the category.

Dear Frat Star,

As the holiday season gets into full swing and the airways fill with people professing how thankful they are for the people in their lives, I find that you keep popping up in my thoughts.This is the first holiday season that I have the opportunity to be thankful to have you in my life. How funny that we were so close to passing each other by in life. Even with everything that has happened I have never regretted meeting you. I never knew just how powerful love could truly be until I met you. Everything that has happened has been a lesson in life and has tested my patience beyond anything I could have imagined. 

I find myself looking into the deeper meaning of why we were destined to meet. I don't picture my future without you in it, but I also don't see my future with you as the main character. You are the mystery character in this plot. You are the sharply dressed man sitting in the leather chair, with a glass of brandy in one hand and a cigar in the other. The smile on your face is one that has the power to make me happy and sad at the same time. You have that intense look that penetrates through me, but it is a look that simply implies "you will never be good enough.

I often wonder how you truly feel about me. Is this all a front you put up to not give away your feelings or am I a fool destined for doom? There have been a number of guys who have peaked my interest since you left for New York, but it is not the same feeling as it is with you. With you its like breathing air; its so natural. Yet wedged between the air that I breath is the heart that does not want to forget you, the heart that skips a beat when I hear your voice, and the heart that falters at the idea of seeing you in person again.

Does your heart do the same? Is your heart capable of feeling this way? Is your heart even capable of feeling at all?

Dear Frat Star,

Today I sat in a coffee shop and watched people walking past the window. While I did not know each of their stories I found myself making up the story of their lives in my head. There was the young man who was in a hurry to purchase a gift before flying home for the holiday weekend. There was the couple arguing over who's family they would visit first. And there was the elderly couple holding hands and making their way slowly up the street, not giving a damn what was taking place around them. Not aware of how truly lucky they are.

I also found myself thinking about our story, or at least certain pieces of our story. I thought back to the summer and the time we went to the bar at the Trump. I remember we were the youngest people there and we spent the first ten minutes people watching. I remember how the light hit your face and how perfectly crisp and fresh the whiskey tasted.

Its odd the things we find ourselves remembering about certain events. I remember the color of your jacket and what your ordered at the bar. Yet I don't remember when we arrived or left. I remember how easily our conversation was in the beginning and how chopped it became towards the end when you were more interested in a party your friends had invited you to attend. You were so busy trying to figure out how you were getting to the party that you didn't even notice the effort I had put into the way I looked. The cream colored blazer and black dress weren't for me you know.

How tragic that it was a perfect Friday night in one of the greatest cities in America and yet you only spent forty minutes with me at the Trump. The party you wanted to go to was more important and you were enough of a gentlemen to call me a cab and pay the driver to take me home. Yet it never crossed your mind to invite me to the party you were going to or to realize that I had gone out of my way to get dressed up after a long week at work. Just for you. 

You use to say that I was from the middle of nowhere and that you had grown up in Chicago, asserting that you were better than me somehow. I may not have grown up in a city of three million people, but I grew up knowing what it means to have class. 

If there is anyone wondering why the hell I still care about you so much. Then maybe they should try to describe the taste of water and perhaps they will understand. Certain situations in life are not about coming out on top, but instead they involve poise and humility. I have maintained both and you, Frat Star, have stumbled at every turn.

Frat Star,

Love is a powerful thing. I have tried to convince myself that my affections toward you are not love, not true love, but sheer affection. I think we can both agree the way I feel about you is stronger than affection, but less than unconditional love. I find myself thinking about you each day in one way or another. On this campus I see you everywhere. At the bus stop, at the library, at the bars.

The memory of you sneaks up on me in the most unexpected ways. I was at one of the bars ordering a drink the other night and it hit me all of a sudden that I was standing in the exact place where you had kissed me once. I tend to wonder if you think of me at all? Does the noise of New York City drown out all thought and memory of this place?

I keep going back to the argument we had while I was still in Chicago; the one where you said the way you feel about me has never changed, remember? How can you feel anything towards someone you effectively ignore? How can you claim to feel anything towards someone you only criticize? 

I met someone. I've known him since freshman year of college and we have moved in the same circles. On paper he is everything I could want and he looks at me in a way you never have. So why is it that every time I look at him I think of you?

He's a better kisser though. Sorry about your pride.

Dear Frat Star,

So you survived my flames of admiration and I find myself the only one burned between the two of us. I find myself at a crossroad and I have to take the path that will lead me away from you. I believe in a number of things, not least of which is that if two people are meant to be together they will find each other. No matter what happens I believe in destiny and maybe it was my destiny to meet you, but not to be with you. Maybe it was your destiny to meet me and teach me a lesson no one else would have been able to leave behind. 

And thus the old saying holds true. In the end you only regret the chances you didn't take and the things you didn't do. I don't think our story is done for good, but it is done for now. 

Dear Frat Star,

Remember that letter I wrote you last time? The one that was supposed to set me free of you and the music was supposed to swell and I was supposed to emerge as a strong empowered female?Well...was that supposed to happen before or after we got into an argument after the letter and I told you I loved you? Yeah I'm not sure either, but please text back soon because I think the shock of those three words may have killed you.

Slowly freaking out, but I regret nothing!

    Dear Frat Star,

First of all I want to tell you I love you.

There are a number of people close to me who think I am crazy. They don’t understand how I can love you, especially after the way you have treated me since we met. I can say with certainty that I have been nothing but nice to you, but I cannot say the same in return.

What you don’t know is how much you have hurt me over the course of time we have known each other. I was attracted to you the minute I laid eyes on you, but I fell in love with you as soon as you let me see a side of you I wish you showed more often; your human side.

The first few times we were together are some of my favorite moments in college. You made me feel whole and truly happy, two things I can’t remember feeling in a long time. However, being around you has also brought out some of the hardest and most hurtful moments in my life as well.

The first time you truly hurt me was the night you called me from Key West. I was originally thrilled that you wanted to talk to me, but the reason behind your call ruined that ecstasy quickly. I saw a quote once that went something like this “The tongue has no bones, but it’s strong enough to break a heart” and that’s exactly what happened that night.

I look back on that night as a teaching point, something I will share with my daughter when some asshole is doing the same thing to her as you did to me. I’ll tell her I understand what it means to be young and in love. That’s the state I was in when I answered my phone that night, young and in love. I didn’t care that you were drunk or that you were only calling me because you had been kicked out of a bar and had no one else to talk to, or maybe no one else that cared.

In your state of mind that night you thought it was important I knew what a good time you were having on spring break. I was just happy to hear the sound of your voice and thinking about how I wished I had gone somewhere for spring break so that I could be tan and pretty for you. You also felt it was important to share how you were prepared to sleep with some girl you had just met, had she not become violently ill prior to your hookup. I listened to that entire story with a lump in my throat and an icy heart.

The night of that call was the beginning of my hurt, but the pinnacle was the night you told me over text that you were moving to New York after graduation. I had seen you a month earlier and you told me you were going to New York to interview for a job. I had wished you good luck that night, but it was with a lump in my throat. You didn’t have the decency to tell me that you had gotten the job until a month afterwards, after you had graduated and left campus.

I cried so hard after receiving your text that I lost my voice and couldn’t sleep the entire night. I cried even though you had hurt me, even though you had insulted me on a number of occasions, and even

though I knew deep down that you didn’t care about me. Maybe it was because of my innocent hope that the summer was going to give me the opportunity to change all those things. After all, I had taken an internship offer in Chicago because you had insisted you would be going back home after graduation and we would have the summer together.

I came to Chicago that summer and you saw me all of two times and both of them were at my request. You had texted me about how you couldn’t wait for me to get to Chicago and how you missed hanging out with me. Should I have been surprised that you didn’t put in the effort to back up your claims? Both times I met with you I listened to your pretentious dialogue about moving to New York and I could see how highly you thought of yourself. By that point the glaze that had made you perfect in my eyes was wearing off. I began to see you for what you really were.

I started this letter by telling you I love you, not because I want to be with you, but because you need it. I can say that I love you because it comes from a place of caring and not a place of lust or longing. I want you to be happy, whatever happiness means to you. I hope your accomplishments are exactly what you want them to be.

I don’t know how to end this letter, but I found a quote that sums it up pretty well.

“Knowing when to walk away is wisdom, being able to is courage, and walking away with your head held high is dignity.”

Frat Star,

The first kiss was nice. The make out session afterwards was even better. The last night we saw each other before you moved was awkward. Every night since then has been bitter. 

The fact that we ever even met is a true test of fate. We had spent three years on the same campus, but had never met. Three years in the same business school; in the same hallways. How many times did I walk past you without realizing it? Yet five minutes aimlessly browsing a website and there was your name. So obviously from the same background as my own that it was like a neon light was blazing it across my screen. The rest as you know is essentially history, our history.

You saw that I had viewed your profile. Your reached out and I grabbed at the opportunity to meet you, convinced you were a figment of my imagination. When I met you at the coffee shop that day I knew right away that I loved you. I had never believed in the corny crap about love at first sight. I'm a believer now. You were perfect. Tall, gorgeous, and a megawatt smile that lit up the room. In those first few moments I ran through our entire life together. 

Walking around the campus that cold January night I felt a serene comfort. I understood why people were in love with the idea of love. You were beyond anything I could have imagined. If I had been given a catalog from which to choose from, I would not have been able to come up with the perfect components that was the person walking next to me that night.

I felt like a sixteen year old high school girl. The world was full of opportunities and love was more than a four letter word. Looking back on that night I still get a lump in my throat. How perfect it all was and how badly you ruined it all. Grab another solo cup Frat Star, we are just getting started.

Dear Frat Star,

This blog is about you...well actually its about me. Scratch that, this blog is about US! This is the story of us and how we came to be and what we are right now. We are the leads, the stars, and the Romeo and Juliet of our own tragic tale.

You're an all American frat boy (well not completely American) and I'm everything your mother warned you about, but her imagination wasn't quite this good. So kick up your Sperrys Frat Star, you are in for the ride of your life. 

If you are an outsider who is reading this blog, Welcome! This blog/series is going to have everything you could ever want and the best part is that it is all true! Love, romance, dishonesty, drama, suspense, disappointment, surprises, and everything else you can imagine.

Here's to all the girls who have been wronged by the frat pack!