#π³π΄π°ππ²π»π΄πΌ : a private blog, currently housing one muse for NIGHTRESTRP βββ kaeo "clem" dupont, a 29 year old author & podcast host living in low point; as understood by dara [ 30, she/her, est ].
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finally finding the right room, deshaun cracks open the door. in getting to the hospital, he'd been all nerves, rushing down the hallways as he searched for the number the staff had told him. but now that he's there, he's terrified. he keeps trying to reassure himselfβshe was okay, she wasn't deadβbut it doesn't do much. taking a deep breath, he steps inside. "clem?" he says softly, eyes immediately catching on the bed.
battered, bruised, and semi-broken, clem lay staring at the ceiling, attempting to toy with the beeps of her heart monitor. it's a shame she can't get it to play something like twinkle, twinkle, little star or literally anything that isn't the same incessant pattern and just when she thinks she's toeing the edge of insanity, a familiar voice saves her. movements are slow, catering to her injuries. β hey there, honey, β her greeting is returned at the same volume and she offers a bright smile, desperate to keep things light for the sake of her friend. β i'm so happy to see you! β for a moment, she was scared she wouldn't have the opportunity to do so again. β don't be shy; come, sit. β
when: april 1st, roughly 11:47PM.
where: towards the back of rhee's bar & grill.
what: solo for this plot drop.
warnings: ocd, broken bones, blood, mentions of death.
mentioned: sry i'm not tagging none yall. clem adores too many of u dweebs π
the second game goes into overtime and clem hides a yawn. her social battery is running on fumes by this point in the evening, but the time sheβs spent with friends warms her face as she weaves through the crowd towards the back of the bar to relieve herself, much to her own dismay. she doesn't like public restrooms; not knowing how well they were cleaned or who may have used them was enough to make her skin crawl, but a night filled with bottomless water and that singular virgin mojito wonβt allow her to last until she makes it home.
sheβs meticulous in the way she washes her hands, following a routine sheβs had since childhood: rinse. put soap inside right palm. dampen soap. lather on entire surface of hands, then wrists, going up to mid-forearm. rinse. flick fingers into the sink thirteen times. repeat entire process three times before drying hands. finish routine by wiping sink and counter with a fresh paper towel until area is dry. by following the routine, it ensures she doesn't get in trouble and nothing bad will happen to someone she cares about. it doesn't make sense, of course, but obsessive thoughts and compulsions rarely do.
she hears the crowd pick up in volume, indicating the games have finally come to an end for the evening just as she's carefully tossing the paper towel into the garbage and she decides it best to give kage a heads up about her plans. retrieving the mobile from her back pocket, the raven happens to notice the time and her lips curl into a smile as she makes a mental note to give deshaun the right to say i told you so, before firing off a text message:
(Β clem π² favoriteΒ ): Β everythingβs finally over! iβm going to stay behind for a bit to help clean up and i promised kennedy iβd wait for her so she can give me something, but iβll let you know when iβm on my way home π€
sheβs in the process of putting her phone away when she exits back into the hallway, but the stairs leading to the basement catch her eye, stopping her in her tracks just past the edge of the wall. staring down the darkened descent serves as inspiration, kicking her imagination into overdrive and lights her up like a christmas tree.Β βΒ oh, why haven't i used this before! just imagine all the horrors i can hide in a dark, damp, creepy basement!Β βΒ the exclamation is spoken softly, lost in the murmur of the patrons still reeling from their own alcohol-infused excitement, before she senses someone approaching. believing it to be someone who needed to use the restroom like herself, she moves to grant them more room within the hallway, offering them a politely spoken,Β βΒ oh, excuse me. sorry,Β β Β for taking up space. clem is so focused on committing her ideas to memory so she doesn't forget them before they can be written down that she can't bring herself to shift her attention despite her feet beginning to carry her back to the floor.
sheβs only able to take a couple steps of her own when she realises she can hear the other's footsteps reverberating throughout the hallway---an oddity, given the lively atmosphere of the place---and, wait, why do they sound quicker than usual? her movements cease as clem's head whips forward so she can find out why.. except she's given no time to react before she's shoulder checked by the stranger.
theyβre much stronger; solid and broad, especially in comparison to herself, and there's enough force that it knocks her off balance, but she hadnβt realised just how close sheβd gotten to the edge of the initial step in her attempt to give them more room to pass until her foot slips off the edge, ankle rolling, and suddenly sheβs free falling.
instinct wastes no time kicking in and she tries to catch herself, but the impact of her weight landing on the outstretched arm when it comes in contact with one of the steps immediately renders it useless and it caves. her world is spinning now, causing her to lose all sense of direction, but even knowing the best way to protect herself, learned through the research sheβs stumbled across throughout her career as a writer, it does nothing to help her. using one's arms to protect their head and curling into a ball to roll down is nowhere near as easy as people make it seem and just as clem starts to think she's found a never ending staircase, she finally lands with a resounding thud, paired with a groan as her head ricochets off the basement floor.
the irony of the situation and the way it played out similarly to that of one sheβd considered for her protagonist would be enough to elicit a chuckle had she not been in so much pain. her entire body aches: arms, legs, ribs, back, neck, head, and she couldβve sworn she heard things crack on her descent, though she canβt pinpoint exactly where and clem chokes back a sob. she doesnβt risk moving, both in fear of potentially hurting herself further and.. what if they're still around, looking down at me, watching?
her vision swims as dizziness overtakes her. her consciousness is beginning to slip, and it worries her, so she does the only thing she can think of to keep herself awake until helpΒ (Β hopefullyΒ )Β arrives: she begins to think of those important to her.
aranya, kage, deshaun, monty, jacob, lany, dilara, sadiye, vera, emira, selin, julia, hyejin, lunara, paisley, yasmin, kahlan, kyle, dae-eun, mariana, crawford, her agent, her listeners, malachi---maybe more, but it's getting harder for her to remember names. it surprises her, though, the amount she does remember. for someone who has always felt so alone in the world, she doesnβt have enough fingers to count all of those she cares about most, regardless of where their relationship may stand now, but she can't help wondering why she didn't try to make more happy memories with them? why wasnβt she nicer or more involved? why wasn't she more willing to forgive and seek her own forgiveness? most importantly, when's the last time she told them i love you? even after the loss of vivian and amoni, and almost losing jacob, why did she continue to take it all for granted?
it's getting harder to keep her eyes open and she can feel her stomach churning, though it's hard to tell if that's due to the level of pain she's in or the possible concussion. blood trickles from the laceration on her forehead into her eye and it burns, but her body is battered and bruised, making it impossible for her to wipe it away and she wonders if this is how she's going to die; alone, scared, and hurt by a combination of her own stupidity and the cruelty of another------and when her world goes black, she swears she hears her mother's voice:
it's not your time yet, so go continue making me proud, clem. you have people waiting for you.
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"I don't want to be selfish, at least not with you," she responded quietly. If there was one person in the world who had been there for her, through thick and thin, it was Clem. Aranya would always think so highly of her, always wanting to put her first. "I think out of everyone in the world, you deserve to be happy. I hate to think that I'd upset you." She lets out a sigh, before speaking again. "I'm really clingy, you know? Even if you wanted to let me go, I wouldn't let you. You're stuck with me forever, Clemmy," she added in an attempt to clear the air, offering her friend a lighthearted but genuine smile. "You said that you think you're dull, but you're like... the most magical person in the world to me. I may not really like Kage, but if he makes you happy and if he helps you see yourself the way that you deserve to be seen, then I support your choice. Always."
she wants to argue her viewpoint, but she knows if the roles were switched, her responses would be similar to the ones aranya continues to provide. eventually, she shakes her head and says, β in all our years, i've never once been upset with you, honey. β whether it be her own bias or simply her best friend's way of being, she knows the other is incapable of making her so and it'd be impossible to convince her otherwise. β is it really being stuck if i'm willing to put in the work to make sure you're with me forever? β because she was, willing to put in the work. they were soulmates, no matter which life. aranya's immediate support brings forth another twinge of guilt and she wishes it were that simple for herself, for ari's sake. however, instead of continuing to dwell, she paints a look of shock, directing her focus elsewhere. β how did you know who it is!? have you been watching me? was i that obvious? β
Kennedy blinked, her mouth open as she took in the visual that Clem had attempted to paint for her. Somewhere, however, she had just gotten stuck on one image in particular.Β βSo like... an invisible Ratatouille?β she said, blue eyes glimpsing up at the top of the otherβs head, like that tiny hamster might actually appear. Sheβs not surprised when it doesnβt, her braincells not that far depleted, by alcohol or otherwise.Β βIβm going to find you a trophy,β Kennedy said, stretching her finger out to poke Clemβs shoulder, like that was some binding contract.Β βYouβre not allowed to leave before I find it, mmkay?β
her head tilts and she wonders how kennedy made that jump, but quickly decides it doesn't matter because the analogy is close enough. she chuckles softly, β ratatouille is a rat, but they're basically cousins and mine does help me cook, too, so yeah! β her next laugh is louder this time, her head nodding immediately in agreement. if kennedy was going to be kind enough to try finding her one, the least she could do was stick around to receive it. β i planned to hang around to help clean up anyway, so i can do that. thank you! β clem leans in, mimicking the other's action as she offers a poke to kennedy's shoulder, β just.. promise you won't forget me, please. β
βI donβt know,β Kage hummed, donning something in-between a smirk and smile as his eyelids dipped a hair, lulled by the sensation of her fingertip trailing his skin, the featherlight touch causing an ache for more.Β βYou keep touching me like thatβ¦ everything out in the open now, not sure I have the resolve not to take an intermission.β His nose touches lightly against her ear before he draws back, his deep, dark eyes taking her in. Fuck, she was beautiful.Β
her bottom lip snakes between her teeth, goosebumps decorating her skin. it feels different now, the energy between them more raw and electric since the revelations between them, and she can't help the way she craves more. β is that your way of gauging whether you have permission? β despite raising her gaze, she doesn't stop her tracing; she's had enough time to study the placement of his tattoos that she doesn't need to look to follow the lines. β because i don't have an investment in any of this, β clem uses her chin to gesture towards the nearest television before her attention shifts back, a playful edge to her words, β but it took you so long to finally kiss me. are you sure enjoying an intermission is a line you can cross so soon? β
"maybe?" he laughs at her reaction. "i dunno, clem, it's just an estimation. we'll just have to see how it plays out. hell, maybe the longhorns lose and everyone's enthusiasm tanks so bad the place clears out!" at her suggestion, deshaun nods his head. "usual is fine. i'll try to find something not so...people-y." he shakes his head, turning towards the room only to realize the herculean task he's set for himself. eventually, he finds a couple of chairs tucked out of the way, slipping into one as he waits.
β go! get your bad juju outta here! β using her elbow, she nudges him playfully before weaving through the crowd towards the bar. she doesn't know how long it takes for the bartender to serve her, but with drinks finally in tow, it doesn't take her long to spot him. clem can find him anywhere, even in the midst of a busy crowd. upon arrival, she presents their drinks and slides into the chair beside him with a huff. β i'm so glad work allows me to be a hermit because my battery is drained. seriously, don't expect to see me for the next two weeks, at least---and before you ask why i even bothered to show up, the answer is spite. β at least, it was originally. β but i'm also having my own bit of fun. β though not at all because of the game.
She wished she could live in a world where she could tell Clem how happy Malachi had made her. But she knew it wouldn't be fair. Not to her best friend. Their views on him were on entirely opposite ends of the spectrum, and maybe it was just something she'd have to accept. She feels silly for getting emotional, knowing that as sensitive of a person as she was, Aranya didn't like to cry in front of others. She didn't like the idea of burdening someone with her own insecurities, let alone Clem of all people. "It's not your fault, Clem. It really isn't," she says softly, letting her wipe away the stray tears. "I just... I don't want you to leave me. And we've never really dealt with something like this, and I just keep feeling like it's my fault for it. I wish I could choose, but I'm selfish." It was the perfect word for how she viewed herself in this situation. Selfish. Because she wanted them both. "I don't know how to have you both of my life and not feel guilty about it. But maybe... you're right. Maybe not talking about him is for the best." She wrapped her pinky around Clem's, feeling heavy still despite what they'd talked about.
β i'm not going anywhere. β her response is spoken in a way that leaves no room for doubt because it's a matter of fact for clem. β and it's okay to be selfish. sometimes it's even necessary, so you don't need to feel guilty with me. i'll always accept you as you are, ari, and that.. that even extends to the people you choose. β she tightens her grip around her friend's pinky before releasing, β granted, the way i accept your plus ones may vary, and this one will take me some time, but nothing'll ever come between us because i won't let it. β she doesn't mind reassuring her of that a million times over if preferred. clem intends to prove it, too. β plus, if it's any consolation, you're not the biggest fan of my choice either from what i remember. β the circumstances are different, of course, but that's beside the point.
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"i know you can't help it." he shakes his head, grinning. "uh...because that sounds like something guaranteed to drive you insane? i know i'd go nuts." he wipes a hand across the table, setting the salt and pepper shakers back where they had come from. "they very well could go overtimeβthat second one's a good matchup. we ain't gettin' outta here before midnight, i'll just say that," he laughs. his smile widens at the endearment and he ducks his head, nodding. "all goin' well so far. night's still young, though." he glances at the bar. "how about you? grab a drink and talk about it?"
eyes widen and she stills. β midnight? β clem doesn't sleep, certainly never at night, but the thought of being anywhere that isn't curled up at home ( with kage and their fur babies, if she's lucky ) during those hours is nearly too much. more importantly, however, her heart goes out to the players onscreen. her eyes flick upwards, just in time to catch a glimpse of the night's hometown hero making a play, β oh, those poor babies. i hope their athletic departments are kind to them and their recoveries. β the raven's body softens at his suggestion and nods her agreement. β please, i'd like that a lot. why don't you go find a spot, hm? i'll drop these off, β she holds up the dirty shot glasses she's collected, β and grab us something, then i'll find you. stickin' to the usual tonight or are we feelin' a lil' adventurous? β
βIf I didnβt know any better. Iβd say youβre trying to get a breastfeeding mom drunk.β Dee said as she took a seat besides her friend. It had definitely been a while since sheβs gone out, and tonight the two made plans to get her away from the babies and have some fun. She had made sure to store a good three dayβs worth of breast milk so that she wouldnβt have to breastfeed after the night. βWhatβd you got there?β She reached for Clemβs drink and swirled it around before taking a sip.
she looks to the other, flabbergasted, as a hand covers her mouth momentarily. β excuse me, what is this slander? i would never do such a thing! β it's true, of course, but she also knows the sort of mother her friend is, which is partly why she doesn't fret when her glass is. the other reason being that clem doesn't make a habit of drinking, being something of a lightweight---and preferring to keep herself aware of her surroundings---tends to keep her sober. β if you're looking to get drunk, i'm afraid you'll be disappointed if you steal mine. β she flashes a proud smile, β that mojito's a virgin. β the raven turns away, gently catching the bartender's attention, β but go 'head and order what you'd like, dear. i think you've earned a lil' R&R. β
She almost wants to laugh when Clem mentions that she wouldn't be put in the middle. Because wasn't that where she'd been from the start? "I'm already in the middle. I've been in the middle since this started." It was Aranya's own fault in the end, a situation she'd put herself into. It was only now that it had become so unbearable to face. She didn't even want to talk about Malachi in the first place, thinking it'd be for the best and that they'd surely have more to talk about. "I miss my best friend. That's what makes this hurt even more than anything." Her words are quiet, maybe because she can't bring her voice to be any louder. "Since the day I told you, he's all we talk about. I feel like I can't have a normal conversation with you anymore because you text me about what he's doing or you bring him up. Even if I wanted to be okay with you not supporting me being with him, how am I supposed to feel when it's ruining our friendship? How am I not supposed to feel like I'm in the middle, like I'm supposed to take a side, when it's all we talk about? Why can't things be like before, why does everything have to revolve around one guy?" she asked, voice breaking as she wiped away a stray tear. Aranya was beginning to feel a sense of deja vu, of someone leaving her yet again. Because not once had she wanted to leave Clem's side, not once had she wanted to put space between them. But the one, small moment she had, it all but felt like she was being pushed out of the door.
"You said I was your person, Clem, but I don't think that's true. I feel like I'm just something you want to push away right now, another reason you can tell yourself that you're the bad guy. But I love you. I love you with everything in me and it's breaking me. It's breaking me that things don't feel normal between us, and it's breaking me that I know it's my fault. I've never been upset with you, because I'm upset with myself. I made this entire mess. When I look at him, sometimes all I can hear is your voice, all I can remember is that he hurt you so badly. And I hate myself because the same person that hurt you makes me happy." She hated the gnawing feeling every day, guilty of her own happiness, guilty that she'd been with him in the first place. And hearing Clem's words, only made her worst fear come true. Everyone she loved would leave her, including the one person she'd never thought would. Tears that once pooled her eyes spilled down her face, and what she felt right now wasn't comparable to anything she'd ever felt before. "I haven't pushed you away once, but it feels like that's what you want me to do. It feels like you pulled yourself away from me the minute I told you, and I wanted to cling to the idea that things would be okay for us."
βΒ you know what? youβre absolutely right.Β βΒ thereβs no sense in offering any explanation. from what she can tell, theyβd only go around in circles, but she doesnβt apologise either. not yet, anyway. it isnβt to say that she isnβt sorry, because she isΒ (Β for all of itΒ ).Β βΒ why donβt we put a ban on it for now, hm? until weβre able to figure out this new normal, both with ourselves and each other, heβll now be the one who shall not be named or whatever that harry potter reference is.Β βΒ itβs not the greatest solution, especially given the way she desires to be there for aranya the way sheβs always been, but itβs the only one she can think of that keeps them close. the plates are discarded atop the table, the elder making quick work to gather a clean napkin before the distance between them disappears. Β
βΒ i didnβt realise thatβs how i was making you feel, though. iβm sorry, ari,Β β Β the apology finally comes as the top of her hand lifts the otherβs chin, making it easier for her to wipe the fallen tears without messing up the work that had been put into her makeup.Β βΒ i canβt guarantee things wonβt change,Β βΒ unfortunately, that was also something inevitable,Β βΒ but you and i will always be okay, i'm sure of it---and i promise that from now on, besides no longer bringing him up, i wonβt make assumptions anymore either.Β βΒ her hands drop, the napkin soon wadded in the hand at her side while the other one offers an outstretched pinky,Β βΒ deal?Β β
Fully prepared to just help her friend out, Aranya felt like she was caught off guard when Malachi was brought up again. She listened to Clem's words carefully, silently picking up more plates as the other spoke. But it all made her feel uneasy, especially when the topic of conversation changed back so swiftly. It didn't feel fair, that her best friend had dropped a bomb on her about something she'd already been struggling to accept, only to sweep past it as if it was something casual. "Do you... want me to choose?" she asked softly, head lifting with the smile wiped from her face. "Because it sounds like you want me to. Otherwise, I'm stuck in the middle of this, aren't I? If I chose to be serious with him, I'll always deal with you two arguing or having to always hear you making passing comments about him being a bad guy."
For the first time, she couldn't bring herself to return Clem's smile. She loved Clem, with her entire heart. But it would be a lie if she didn't also say she was falling for Malachi. And all of this couldn't help but make her feel like the way she felt was secondary. That this was Clem and Malachi's story, and she was simply the side character that would take the brunt of the pain. A part of her wants to get upset, and tell Clem that she isn't the only person that's been burned by a relationship before. That this grudge she was holding against an ex-boyfriend wouldn't change what happened. Aranya knew it better than anyone else, the girl who had put her trust in so many people only for them to leave her. "I need some air," she let out quietly, the stack of plates in her hands heavy, wanting nothing more than to drop them off in the kitchen and run outside.
her movements cease at the question and she doesnβt bother hiding her confusion. as far as clem is concerned, that isnβt what sheβs said at all. plus, asking aranya to make a decision that she can make for herself didnβt seem necessary.Β βΒ okay, first of all, i think we both knew this,Β βΒ she wags a finger between the two of them,Β βΒ was inevitable. secondly, if that's truly what you think i said, then maybe you don't know me as well as i thought you did.Β βΒ despite the words, her delivery is without attitude or malice and her tone is as gentle as it always is when speaking with her best friend.Β βΒ i said i wouldnβt be able to play nice, not that iβd go out of my way to start shit or put you in the middle of anything.Β β
βΒ honey, not once have i ever tried to tell you what to do or how to feel. not once have i ever said or done anything to purposefully make you feel any sort of negative way, including now, and iβm not asking you to like what iβve said. hell, iβm not even asking you to respect it, but i am asking you to understand that whereas what went down between us happened back in the day, heβs just now giving me an opportunity to find some sort of closure and itβs reminding me..Β β
words trail for a moment as she leans on the table, eating away some of the distance between them,Β βΒ itβs reminding me that iβm fucking watercolour, ari. dull and easy to wash off, and iβm sorry that i canβt turn off my feelings or my own sense of inferiority. trust me, if i could, i wouldnβt hesitate so that i could make this whole thing easier---for both of us---but for now, i just need some time to be a dramatic bitch, so please.. please just give me a bit and iβll do my best to go back to being the supportive friend you need, okay?Β βΒ clem reaches forward, retrieving the plates in aranyaβs hands,Β β i donβt blame you for being upset with me, and i wonβt blame you if you distance yourself from me for a bit. i meant it when i said you were valid, ari. there will never be a moment where i think you arenβt, so go ahead take all the time you need; i promise my door will always be open.Β β
LOCATION: rheeβs, nearing the end of the first game
CLOSED: @dearclemβ
Heβd managed to find his way to a more quiet spotβ quiet, of course, being subjective given that the crowd was pretty much everywhere. The roar and the cheers never quite seemed to dissipate. Yet, Kage had found a better focus than all the noise, with his hand now settled above Clemβs knee, palm pressed against the exposed skin of her thigh. With his lips poised near her ear, he smiled as he huffed.Β βBe a lot more fun if they had Evil Dead or Monster Brawl playing.β
her elbow rests on the table, her chin finding a home within her palm with her body positioned towards the other. clem doesn't care what's happening in the world around them, instead preferring the piece of happiness she's carved out with him in their corner. her smile grows and she has to fight the urge to hide it, β y'know, surprisingly enough, i'd agree. β gaze moves downcast to watch a fingertip trace the lines of some of his visible ink. β but, then again, i'd much rather have the ability to curl up when we watch stuff like that. without interruption. β
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Kennedyβs mouth opens, surprised by the fact she shared, meanwhile her eyes narrow slightly, a deep line forming between her brow as she tries to really focus on what the girl is saying to her. For good measure, she glances between her and the rag in her hand, trying to put the two together, allowing time for her mind to catch up.Β βOohh,β she says finally, resting her chin in her palm, fingers poking at her cheeks.Β βThatβs like... really nice of you. Thank you,β she said, eyes closing as she bobbed her head along, evident by appearance alone that sheβd already had her fair share to drink.Β βI think if they have an MVP for tonight... it should be you.β
β you don't need to thank me, silly, β it feels wrong because clem isn't doing anything for someone else. not truthfully. β the thing i've got runnin' upstairs, β she lifts a finger to tap on her right temple twice, β just can't stand mess, so she makes me clean. β she laughs, remembering one of her favourite cartoons, β y'know, like on that one spongebob episode? yeah.. except picture an adorable tiny hamster instead of plankton. β the raven works to fold the rag, her voice dropping a few octaves despite knowing it may be drowned out by a sudden eruption of another good play, β i've never won an MVP award, though, so maybe that'd be nice. β
Aranya found herself in the mix between the bar and a table with Malachi, his attention on the game making her stick to the latter more than the former. She didn't really mind though, on her way for another drink when she noticed Clem, eyeing someone attempting to give her their order. "What are you doing cleaning up by yourself? Here let me help," she spoke with a smile, leaning down and picking up a few discarded plates. She could barely pay attention to the game anyways, only able to ever catch the scoreboard moving up on occasion. "I didn't expect it to get so crazy in here, it feels like the entire town showed up to support, uh⦠what's his name, Carl? Carson?"
she'd like to argue, to tell her friend not to bother or risk dirtying herself, but instead, her mind drifts elsewhere and something else entirely falls into the space between them. β hey.. remember that chat we had a bit ago, about malachi? β she steps closer, eyes focusing on folding the damp napkins in her hand. it's not the best place for it, she knows, but it is the first time she's seen her best friend since she'd texted to inform her that her ex had come over for a chat, β thought i should let you know i take back what i said. you're still free to do you, of course, because you'll never need my approval for that, but he'll always be a piece of shit and i'll never be able to play nice. unfortunately, that means even for you. β
her attention finally lifts, now focusing on aranya, and she wears a heartfelt smile, β i love you more than life and you'll always be my person, i just didn't think it'd be right for me not to be honest with you about that, especially after you'd asked me to tell you if it bothers me. β after saying her piece, clem wastes no time swapping back to their original topic, β it's really nice, though! the way everyone showed up, and seems to be showing out, to support colson---and thank you, for helpin' me when you didn't need to. β