Mentally Unstable 🌙

“I love how clingy you are but, it’s really fucking annoying. Tone it down!” I.. how..? How do I..? How can I.. you’re you. You’re dating me. Do I just.. stop? Does that mean no more hugs and kisses? Does that mean.. no more affection or intimacy..? Does that mean.. I know. Keep my hands, lips and body to myself. No matter how badly I want you. I won’t tell you. No matter how much I want a kiss.. need a kiss. I’ll play pretend. I’ll pretend in my head that we are kissing. Yes.. that’s how I’ll do it.

Good morning kisses? Yeah.. not today. I want you so bad. I want you so bad. I want you so bad.

“Wake you up with kisses.” The thought popped up. It was 5am and just you next to me was enough to make me want you. I should have known better. I should have known not to. But the need for you made me want to kiss you. So..I did. I woke you up and you gave me a distasteful grown. Jerked away from me and I sat back. “I don’t have to be up for another hour.” I felt my heart skip, hearing your voice. I mumbled “So?” as I went to kiss you again. You got annoyed with me so I laid down beside you. Now wide awake. I want to touch you more. I want to kiss you more. But, I can’t and I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t want that..right? I shouldn’t want this kind of passionate romance you see in the movies. I shouldn’t want to wake you up at 5am so we can be wrapped up together in the most heart racing ways. I shouldn’t let this fire burn so bright.. I should keep my hands to myself. My body to myself, the body that doesn’t attract you anyway. The body you don’t want anyway. I’m the person you don’t want anyway. You don’t need anyway. I’m just annoying, wanting to touch you this way. Thinking of intimacy with you. I shouldn’t. I want you. I can’t stop thinking about how badly I want you.. but knowing I shouldn’t and that I should just behave..

I just want your affection and attention...

We broke up.

I was smiling, laughing. Playing music on his phone. I saw a message. “Babe call me.” My heart sunk. My breathing heightened. I felt my fibers crack and I swallowed hard as I told him he received a message. Trying not to cry, I smiled. He called them. They spoke briefly, ended the conversation with “I love you.” They said. “I love you too.” He replied. My heart snapping. My thoughts going wild. I smiled and smiled. What was I hearing? What just happened..? The man I love, my world..my everything. Did he just.. did he just..

“He loves me even when I’m broken and bruised. He calls me beautiful when I think I’m disgusting. He thinks I’m funny. He holds my hand. He told me I can have anything I want, to name it. I want him. So I spoke his name, then he was mine.”