Letters For Him

I’m the little girl in the front with the curly hair and glasses

The one who could read 3 books at once and tell you each of their plots in great detail

The one who loves studying animal facts and wants to be a vet

The one who dances in her room to 70’s music because that’s what her parents play

Do you see me?

I’m the middle schooler with long straight hair and an oversized jacket

The one who doesn’t understand why her skin itches and burns when she’s sad

The one who can only read a few chapters a week

The one who’s always watching movies and tv to avoid thinking

Do you see me?

I’m the high schooler in the marching band uniform

The one who can’t remember their 17th birthday

The one who realized all their friendships were complete lies

The one who doesn’t believe in a future

Do you see me?

I’m the college freshman with the short curly hair and a new binder

The one who hasn’t slept in 3 days but can’t drink energy drinks

The one who never stays in their own dorm for more than an hour

The one having nightly panic attacks in the park down the street

Do you see me?

I’m the dropout back in their childhood home

The one realizing this is the future they never planned

The one with no friends

The one who’s burnt out

Do you see me?

That’s what I’m supposed to say?

Right?

I love you

Three simple words

So much power

Have you considered

That I don’t love you?

Did it ever cross your mind?

I have a coworker who knows if I’m down simply by noting if I don’t say “Hi” when she walks in

I have a friend who likes that when I’m high I’ll talk about politics but I’ll deliver my message in a way that makes her care about politics

I have an online group who likes that I use tone indicators and altered text to put emphasis and meaning behind written word

It’s odd to see what other people notice in you

My mom got me a special Barbie for Christmas

I immediately wanted to open the box and play with her

My mother instead told me to leave her alone

So that she couldn’t get messed up

She’s been in that box almost 20 years

Staying the same

Sometimes I feel jealous of her

Because I got taken out of my box

And now I’m messed up

But then I got put back in the box

And everyone around pretends to ignore my damage

They don’t acknowledge how tired I look

Or how my clothes don’t fit like when I first wore them

They don’t see that I struggle to run a brush through my hair

Or the way I still can’t get out of bed some days

I want us both to leave our boxes

But on proper terms

With safety and gentility and love around us

Barbie deserves to be played with

Sift through all the memories

You’re still the only one of your kind

You’re a rarity that is met with distain

You cannot scrub the shame away

The pigment left behind

From your foul blood

Is a constant reminder

That you are not the same

I know that much is true

But how do you love a family

That is so unalike to you

How do you give gifts

To so many strangers

When you know how you think

Would put yourself in danger

How do you laugh

At jokes and fun games

When the words that they throw

Bring you nothing but shame

When your ‘family’ sees

You slink off to your room

Suddenly they protest

All your holiday gloom

But you’re not my family

You’re only so by blood

It doesn’t matter the season

Because he is so loud

But when he is done, it will be quiet

And you can clean up after him

When a woman is angry, it is terrifying

Because she is so quiet

But when she is done, it stays quiet

It’s been a while since I’ve written to you. I haven’t had much to tell you. I feel like you don’t really care enough for me to have you know about it.

I dropped out of college. I lost all my friends from high school. I made 2 more trips to the psych ward. I’ve been with the same therapist for a little over a year now. And I learned that you abused me.

Every time I would tell people all the cruel things you said to me after the accident, they all said it was just how boys let out their emotions. My current therapist was the first person to every deem it as abuse?

But why did I have to be the target? Why did I have to be told that I would die alone with no friends or family for cared? Why was I always belittled for telling a joke you didn’t like? Why was every simple question met with yelling and swearing in response?

Don’t you know I was hurting to? I hurt for myself just as much as I hurt for you and Mom and Dad. I was scared- every single day- that something would go even more wrong that it already had.

I remember the day my test results came back. When the doctor told Mom that I have the same disability you do. I remember what book I was reading. I remember the red shirt Mom had on and the model watch Dad used to have. I remember hearing the words pass through my head and feeling every ounce of my spirit burn away. And the one person I wanted the most hated me for things outside of my control.

We were the closest friends as kids. We read the same books and watched the same shows and played the same games. We never drifted apart. And then you just decided to push me as far away as possible.

That’s fine. I’m done trying. If you don’t want to fix what you did, I’ll stop trying to come back to you.

This is my last letter to you

Goodbye, Nathaniel

Love,

I tried to end myself two weeks ago. I was in the hospital for a few days. The isolation of the world was becoming too much for me.

Did you ever notice the pain I was in? This isn’t the first time I’ve struggled like this. I haven’t felt normal for years. I miss you and how everything was and the world just keeps getting worse.

I don’t really know what the point of this letter was. I know you were there but you didn’t really react to anything. I just needed to write it down I suppose.

I’ve been at college for a bit over a month now. It’s been going well. I miss home from time to time, but I’ll be visiting in a few days. Dad says we got new neighbors, but I hope that’s the only big change back there.

Mom says the two jobs you work are going well. They keep you out of the house which she thinks is good. Plus, you’re making money for when you finally get things figured out for yourself.

I made a friend here at school. He’s a lot like you- how you used to be. He makes me laugh and knows how to help me out whenever I feel upset. I never thought I would want to replace you, but I guess I never noticed just how badly I was missing you. I’m sorry I’m not telling you this in person. I just never know how you’ll react to some things.

I’ll see you in a week, Older Brother.

Love,

I graduated a few weeks ago. I got out of high school after some of the worst years of my life. Did you ever notice my struggle? You were only a year ahead of me, but we haven’t been close in so long. I rode in the car with you every day and you never saw when I would start crying or pick at my fresh scabs. Do you know how much I hurt during high school?

I’m leaving for college in a few months. I won’t be far, but I won’t be home. Will you miss me? I’m not sure if I’ll miss you. We haven’t been close in so long. Maybe the distance won’t change anything. I don’t know.

I miss you now.