dear happypills

didn't mean to,

but i did.

are but shadows...

and i long for what is real.

when i now rip open a HotPocket, there is no pocket in the package...

its............. a hot. pocket. what, like do i just have to microwave it wrapped in a napkin now...........????

happypills: yyeeepppp.

me: .............

...........

like....................

.

.

.

.

happypills: i dont get it. is this a big deal??

me: if you know, ... you know.

and you know what?

happypills: wuht??

me: you know so little.......

happypills: -_-;;

you live like this?

my mother asked me.

... ... ...

... im not even hurt by it anymore.

i guess it is a valid question when you take a look at my bathroom drains... and the dust of my window panel, and the barren fridge ---except the lonesome jack daniels. the pan on a stove with cat prints. the unsorted clothes. my car. unthrown cigarette boxes.

... and my general lack of will and ability to take care of myself.

you know... the usual things that go unnoticed in my life.

.

my mother continued on saying:

it is like... you are on an experiment. to see how you can end your life faster -- so determined to get to the end. i just... do not understand... who does that experiment???

... ... ...

... yep. what can i say. i am an over achiever.

-------------------------------------- --------------------------------------

my brother added some more detail.

he described me as always:

self-sabotaging.

i asked him what he meant, and he told me that:

i self-sabotage myself.

... ... ...

... it was... not a very descriptive, nor constructive feedback. i pushed back saying that he was not very helpful, but i was told that i was not listening. i dont blame him though.... he is worse than my mother.

.

.

-------------------------------------- --------------------------------------

.

.

still, i do think about those conversations with them.

why?

why do i live like this? why do i self sabotage myself: my belongings, my work, my relationships?

why am i in such a hurry for the end?

.

.

.

i........................

.

idk.

.

.

.

i dont....

.

.

maybe because there are a million threads, that all tug towards the same desperation i have... ... i think... a desperation to feel like i belong somewhere.

.

. .. but can never quite fit in.

.

.

there may have been moments where i felt understood. instances where i belonged. felt safe even.

but i end up finding reasons to pack up, and leave to hide.

from everything, and everyone.

.

.

and each time that has happened, .

.

.

they were moments i understood, .

even here.

.

.

.

even here....... . . .

i do not belong........

.........except to myself.

.

.

and so,..........

the conversations with myself are endless.

and it is the type of conversation that leads me to be depressed, just as much as it is the type of depression that has led me to such conversations.

a type of depression and conversation, that makes me wonder. .

at what age it began..............?

.

.

.

it is a curious thought. to think when one is or becomes .... depressed?

at what age did it happen for me? how? why?

i think to myself, surely i couldn't have been depressed as an infant -- before a time when i had even grasped the very concept of depression, let alone feeling sad -- if i don't know what these things are.............. would i even feel so...

depressed?

.

.

.

i cant tell you when it began.

. but i can tell you that when it did start, it was. and is.

and has been, till this day.

it is a sort of pain, i expect to be...........

.

just. be.

.

.

and from the time i have spent with it.... i may be able to at least explain the reason why i hate myself:

i hate myself not because i am in pain, but because i am pain.

.

.

.

and i see this when i stare in the mirror.

when i stare at my

sadistic nature in the mirror --- etched into the neurons of my eyes...

. there is the me that that stares back at me.

.

.

.

.

i am... my eyes.

.

and i hate it

.

.

.

.

i am... my eyes.

and i am...

...touched by lava. soaked red, burning. raging a terrible flood.

lifeless, but just enough to be restless.

silent, yet shattered.

strange... but familiar.

.

and in each of those moments, i may have diassociated from myself more and more.

-------------------------------------- --------------------------------------

these days when i look in the mirror,

..

..

i exist somewhere in there... ... ...

i think.......... but it is a bit buried for me to dig through.

..

..

if anything, i bury myself a little more each day.

.

.

and for years.... i have lived like this. as many have put it: wasting

hating myself.

actively repressing, but never forgetting

the indelible remnants of my past.

i must have figured, if i were to be in a void, there would be no forgetting; nothing indelible.

.

.

and yet, the sad reality is that i do not remember much of the things i have said, the things that have happened, the things spoken to me, the things i have done upon another.

.

.

and so it surprises me that even in such obscurity,...

i can still feel loss ... an emptiness of what i used to center a mass of my identity around

...

gone. yet still present.

.

.

.

.

and i wonder if i still exist to them as much as they do to me.

.

.

.

.

-------------------------------------- --------------------------------------

actively repressing, but never forgetting....

actively repressing, but never forgetting....

i hate me. hate this pain.

i hate myself.

-------------------------------------- --------------------------------------

i have been hiding.

ive... ran. and hid from pain. the crap and far away from it...

but in doing so,

i realize i have just been hiding from my own self.

...

it is difficult for me to confront my eyes anymore.

to see me.

...

...

...

.... but then i think....

.

can you really blame me???

.

-------------------------------------- --------------------------------------

i see my cats do it when they are in pain.

they hide. like realllyyyyy.... hide.

there is something.... so primal. so natural about the behavior.

and when they really hide like that, it makes me wonder,

"what is wrong?"

like really....

"what is wrong???"

.

.

.

they look at me.

. they meow and

and meow...

... and tell me so.

...

...

and i listen. urgently wanting to do.... something. anything....

...

...

but .......

that is the thing...............

.

.

i just do not understand what they are saying.

i don't.

.

.

i get that something is wrong................... i get that they need something................ but i just dont ...

...understand meowing.

................................

................................

i dont speak meow.

................................

................................

and......................

;

;

;

that makes me think.

;

;

;

that i think i..........

i... finally get

.

.

everyone .

else .

....

that has been in my life.

-------------------------------------- --------------------------------------

have i been meowing?

.

.

when i express my pain, and want others to understand....

.

.

i instead choose to hide. and say inscrutable things when they come near me.

.....

.....

have i been meowing??????????????

.

.

have i????

.

.

.

have i.................................

.

.

.

.

.

.

a little bit. maybe.

.

.

.

,

,

,

fuck.

exists through even the empty vacuum of space -- an electromagnetic vibration that does not need matter nor air.

these vibrations are said to shape our reality.

even still, matter is composed of vibrating particles -- from the tiniest of cells and to dullest of thoughts -- resonance and quantum oscillations are definitely a real thing.

.

and the stars... they hum.

then will Thou not provide?

but why is it that i am sent into a maze, desperate, and impatient to get out; running from one end to another, to find Truth is not where i chose.

if Truth is good... where is Thine mercy for the ignorant?

for what burden is the journey, fettered by my own weight, praying reprieve, from a quest that i know to be righteous.

what glory is there, when the pursuit of glory has only shed light to my own infathomable, darkness?

and what good is there in such pain and suffering?...

...

perhaps, what remains still, is my life.... and understanding of the distance crossed -- a distance that testifies to the fact that

i have lived.

.

and though i know i am not, my life given, Thou has found good, and by Thy will it sustains -- as it shall end, and was created.

.

though i am not, the life ive been given, is one worth living, to steward, grow, and love.

what good is Truth being good, if Thou hath not put an object to understand, know, and become.

if Truth is good, will Thy not provide?

and if it begins with a life -- an undeserved one. a wretched one. a one in destitute. -- my life,

it shall still end with my life -- the same life which i hath been given. a one that only i -- and no other soul in space and time -- has lived and known intimately as i have.

and from the moment it hath began and will end.

there still is such beauty, justice, and love in such toils of labor.

,,,

Truth is,

in such a path, are all the provisions for Truth.

me: they are faint memories... but i remember. one of my earliest memories... when i was younger,... when something upset me,

i would hide.

i remember hiding under the bed quite often.

i think... i thought that if i couldnt be seen, my problems wouldnt exist as well. i.... didnt. want to be seen in those moments.

it is quite amazing... how even at a young age... i could feel so upset. so....... distraught.

...

at like.... such a young age... WTH. probably for things that didnt matter much...

but still, ... it was real. it affected me.

its a bit silly... how important could what id be upset about be?

i had good parents. i had good siblings. i was loved.

and yet even back then i was so dissatisfied.

...

..

.

enough to keep me hiding.

.

and me hiding.... it wasn't only then.

.

in elementary school it was by the corner of the school boundary -- fenced, and facing out on a barren hill. it was near the running track; no one really cared to look there. i lived in my head back then. pacing back and forth, imagining a world and scene. murmuring dialogues to myself. making up stories about heroes -- fantastical ones with powers, fighting against evil and overcoming the greatest heights. and yet, in sixth grade, when my class was assigned to write a story, where the two best stories would eventually get published in a bound book. i chose to write about my lost dog that i never found. i............... wept for WEEKS. ... .. WEEKS. over my dog. it didnt make much sense to me back then why my teacher was so impressed with my pain... and made it into a book. wtf.

in junior high school it was in the closet. (noimnotfuckinggay. ijustsharedaroomwithmybrothergrowingup). id spend hours there though wishing the world would go away. and id just.... dwell. on what made me upset. over a girl, over not getting assassins creed, over doing bad on a test, over fighting with my parents -- crying against the injustice i felt of being a middle child lol. id just.... dwell. just decay..... in real-time... on those thoughts. in the darkness and isolation that, in a way, comforted me.. feeling that.... i could eradicate the anguish, when i was hidden. ...and yet, perpetually sulking over it in the void.

in high school, id hide behind presenting myself as an "asshole genius" -- dressing really well, flaunting status, prestige. yea... i was a cunt..... (mustve been puberty???) but yea. that AND i also hid on the roof alot. it was a roof at church: my church would rent out an elementary school on sundays, and we were given the few trailer buildings... because i dont think we were able to afford a real classroom..... (and yea there were plenty). ANYWAYS. i was just noob enough with my parkour to jump and climb up some pipes that would get me on top of a humble trailer building. but NOONE would know id be there. it was justttt high enough for them not to see me. id lay flat on the roof. and look up at the boring california sky. stare at the patches of cloud, that would gently float away. with a hope i could let -- the pain of my first-ex breaking up with me because i was never happy, the pain of a pressure to succeed in school as my parents struggled to build and actualize the american dream, the pain of not feeling like i ever belonged anywhere i went; that noone understood me, and being only disappointed when i tried, -- float away.

college is more easier to explain. i hid behind drugs and booze and girls. not much to say there.

.

.

.

.

.

for about ten more years after college though...

i kept hiding,....

but i dont think i ever truly realized that i was still hiding since then.

i thought........

i was just living life..

and i...................... despite wanting to change...

..

..

really havent.

for whatever reasons,

ive kept hiding.

for over thirty years.

.

.

i hide. from everyone and everything.

i hide from everything ive hated. everything ive loved. from people i know. from people i havent met. from places ive never been. from places i have been.

Why???

why...... Why do i keep doing this....????

i keep thinking,.... and ask, what causes me to be this way? and i want to trace it to one event. a time. and a place. that causes me to be like this. to blame, and justify, me from ever running away and disappearing behind something.

i say, it is because i was bullied when i was younger. i say, it is because the girl i... truly loved... broke my heart. i say, it is because my dorm neighbor shot himself. that because one of my past students shot himself. that because another one hung himself. that because i walked in one time on my friend trying to hang himself. i say, it is because a company i poured my life for five years told me i was expendable. i say, it is because of my manic depression; and maybe a tad bit pinch of autism... i say, it is because the world is broken -- and rewards the corrupt. the liars. the schemers. the ones that connive and treat another person as a means to an end.

.

.

.

.

i say for thousands of reasons i am like this.

for ten years///

alone in my dark room.

.

.

.

and in the silence, as i breathe.

and breathe.

and just breathe.

over and over again

i return to myself... in emptiness. clearing the chaos and wiping away all the mess

I eventually settle on.........

i just am. its... me. its always been me.

that by hiding all the things that i hid from.

ive hid me from myself.

since when i first started hiding under the bed.

...

...

to how i am today.

it is me.

happypills: JEEEEEEEEZ. Boooohhhhrrrring.

i dont know why youd want to hide your sunshine face from everyone.

me: lol..... thank you.

happypills: YUP.

because the sun.

its hard to look at.

you know.

because it burns your eyes....

get it???

me: -_-;; fuxx you.

happypills: yaaah yah. the whole idea of hiding is stupid and juvenile anyways.

even junior pills in the Pillsian order stop playing that silly game after their Encapsulation period.

me: ..................... i have no fuxxxxx clue what you are talking about...

happypills: you dont know what hide-and-seek is???

POINT IS...................

you just carry the confidence, and push forward with life.

go on. explore. grow. commune.

you know??

me: yea... but how......

do i.

stop.

feeling this way??? something that has kept me hiding for over three decades.

there.... is no

off

button.

you know??????

happypills: ehhhhhh.

*happyills circles around me; walks around me, scrutinizing my body. and then says, very seriously,

eh, maybe we just havent found the on button yet????

me: i dont think thats how it works....................................

happypills: OH, oh. and thats why youve been like this for thirty years???

because all of a sudden you know how it works now?????

me: gawd. i didnt say that. just that THATS NOT how it works...

happypills: NOT with THAT attitude.

me: well fuxx. then how do you make it work then?

happypills: whaddya mean?...

me: like, how are you happy???

happypills:i dont understand the questions.

me: .... what is there not to get?

happypills: i .... im struggling with the part where you ask how.

me: like..... im asking howwww...... are you happy.

happypills: whats....

whats ,.... whats there to ask???

i ... just am.

am happy.

me: okay.......

then do you have an

OFF

button?????

happypills: *gasps....................

oh youre evil. whhyyy would you even ask that???? ////

................

..........

.....

but no.

it doesnt work that way.

me: -_-;;

bunny?

happypills: PWUH, how do you not know this???

like... everyone is talkin about it.

me: about wuht???

happypills: pwuh.... so ignorant.

its a thing.

during the superbowl half time.

turns out many people

dont jive well with an artist performing in espanol.

me: lol what??? since when did you watch the superbowl?

happypills: sue me. im cultured.

anyways -- yea, bad bunny be just performing,

and people be angry.

so angry,

they gotta bring like another group of performers,

to substitute the show that goes on during half time.

someone named... muchacho rock. i think.

me: hahahah.... youre kidding?

like.... how many people were angry about the actual half time?

happypills: ehhh........

like..................

como se dice....

like more than those complicit in the epstein files...

... but like less than the number of racist, white americans...

me: LOLLLLLL.

like actually???

like dangg..........

alot more names coming out.

not sure if that greater than, less than comparison will hold.

happypills: oh...............

LOL.

okok. maybe there are more epstein co-conspirators,....

than there are racists.

idk.

.

.

only God does.

me: hehehe... man.

thats crazy.

happypills: but yea.... its veryyyy political. apparently.

people be heated.

me: oh yea?

happypills: yup. apparently a spanish performance is not about bringing america together..... :[ just not american enough.

why cant good music.

just win???

me: lolol.

happypills: but its political i think because the artist was no bueno with ICE.

he was like 'ICE aaahouut!'

you know???

me: ahhh, i seeee.

but yea,.... i mean.

its just a music show, no???

happypills: hmmmmmmmmm some 'patriots' would say that the superbowl half time show be about celebrating with the best -- excuse my language -- but pilling best and PILLING, most predominant, American language. theee pilling American classic, mother pilling tongue.

you know.

the one that everyone knows.

........

...........

me: what, English???

happypills: no thats Brittain's --

its gen z.

me: -_-;;;

happypills: lolol. but yea... if you aren't an immigrant from ancestors who were white.

im sorry.

you only like....

half american.

me: yo......... thats so racist.

happypills: ohhh jeeez. i was just being facetious.

but....

it is actually what some people think.

me: yeaaaa. crazy.

doesnt sound so political...

just - a pequeno,.....mucho racist but.....

happypills: yaawwwp. everything is political.

like the oooohhhhohoho weeee.

i was watchinbg what i thought was a tpusa livestream about the DOW jones going up under our commander in chief,

and TURNS OUT

it was the attorney general's house hearing. hahahahaha.

me: lololol

happypills: nono, seriously though............

ms bondi is awesome.

she makes me believe. NAY -- inspires me.

even a pill like mehhh,

that i too,

can become the attorney general.

happypills for america.

make america high again.

MAHA (trademark pending........)

me: ..... no,nonono.

...

but you can never be that blonde.

happypills: NOOOOOO, thats the thing.

ms bondi inspires me to even believe THATT.

me: LMAO.

happypills: BUT YEAAA..

i dunno why you are so seddd all the time.

the world is suchanintersting PLACEE.

me: you need to stop going out.

happypills: whattt and be like you??

me: awwww..... am i not inspiring enough?

happypills: LOLOLOL. no..........

...

but i believe that even you can be attorney general. 👍

me: .............. nah.

i cant sell the dow jones like she does.

happypills: XD

is there to say to you.

happypills: oh jeez. its not like i ever asked you to say more.

me: nono, i mean...

how long have we been doing this?

ive been longer with you... than anyone i ever dated. longer than most of my friends. longer than my cats.

i mean, at this point, the only people who have been with me longer are my family. thank God, i at least have that...

happypills: oh, wow, you sound... ALMOST HURTFUL.

me: pwuh. to be fair -- for me to say my most intimate relationship in my life is with happypills.....

is just

depressing.

happypills: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH gawwwwwd. i would have you know sirrr. ALOT of people enjoy my presence.

me: lolol.. maybe for a while,

but i dont think a lifetime.

happypills: welll bish, i spent over X10000 Pillsian lifetimes with you.

show some appreciation.

me: oh... right. since when was your expiration date?? and wuht...?? appreciation???

are you kidding me??

we are on the run. from your..... fantasy fiction, cult ...

happypills: they are called the Pillsian Order,.......

cult victims are real. please dont shame.

me: -_-;;;; ... on the run. from this Order because you keep going on long before your expiration date...

happypills: nono.... you misunderstand.

how can you forget this?

we BOTH stood trial.... and CLEARLYYY the issue was that you communed with your dead self.

thats........... like a big nono in the Pillsian Order.

me: ...........................

oh yea. that did happen.

happypills: yep. its kinda your fault.

me: i kinda forgot how that conversation went....

happypills: oh yea.. space and time is foggy like that. but dont worry. everything is recorded...

yawwwp. its true.

its allll up there.

me: ...um. idk whatthefuxx youretalkingabout...............

happypills: wayyyy up there.

everything is recorded in the cloud.

me: ... ummmm, do you mean like on servers??

happypilsl: ... nono. i mean. the cloud.

everything is recorded there.

yea.

once on April 16th, 2021.

and another time on March 2nd, 2024.

me: wtf???? how do you remember that?

happypills: well, what can i say.....

i dont remember it. but its in the cloud.

anyone can look it up

me: -_-;;;; i... dont think even you understand what the cloud is.

happypills: okay.... pillhole. i also remember one of those times the council ruled you as UNEXCEPTIONAL.

me: oh jeez..... way to remind me of that...

.... but like freeals.

freals.

i really do own up to unexceptionalism.

think im damn good at it.

happypills: YEP. soOOOH unexceptional that even your dead self comes to talk to you.

me: i honestly.... dont even remember how that happened.

happypills: oh psh. well i do. i was there as well...

me: oh yea?? i dont remember you mentioning that before? wait... hey, i remember when we stood in front of the council you were surprised about it.

happypills: hehehe oh yeaaahhhhh. aw man. i swore on the Chemical Law that i wasnt lying...

oh gawd im in trouble...

me: wait wait. so you remember my conversation with my dead self??? is that in the cloud too???

happypills: in the cloud, NOPE. but do i remember...,

lololol. OOOhhh WEEEE HAHAHAHAHA. oh yeaaa.

yes.

i member.

me: well, wth. you said all things were recorded in the cloud. what happened????

happypills: ehhhh,,,.... some things

are recorded between relationships. between

you, and i.

so not the cloud.

but kinda.

its in the air somewhere....

me: that.... makes no sense.

happypills: welllllllllllllllll

communing with your dead self doesnt make much sense either.

me: yea................ i guess thats true.

happypills: you know....

its been years since we stood trial with the Pillsian Order.

me: do you think they gave up?? gave up looking for us?.........

happypills: ehhh................

what, does it matter?

me: ... ummmmmmmYEA. im not looking forward to waking up one day in a Pill Bottle.

happypills: OHH, bruh.

dont worry.

ill be there with you.

right with you.

me: -_-;;;

How are you???

me: hey,

how are you?

you: Good!! You didn’t answer me!

me: lol… you want me to be honest?

you: Why wouldn’t you be honest (0_0)??

me: ehhhhhhhh, idk..

i think i can rant about a million things wrong with how i am.

you: Ahh.

Righttt. How could I forget.

Just lie to me then.

LOL

me: I’m well!

you: …. Wuht, that’s it?????

At least make an effort! Even A.I. can do it better.

me: well, ai does everything better.

you: PSH. Can’t do me better. I’m an original.

me: No, no really. I am so happy you left me so I can finally be with ai.

you: lol…..

Almost sounds believable…

So, you did get better at lying! Good job!

me: haha… yea, thanks. i really must have.

you: So, you are well???

me: …

does it matter?

you: Of course!

me: how about you?

you: I already said “good” you know…

me: good doesn’t really tell me much….

you know?

you: OH. So you know you know too???

me: lol…..i see you’re still the same…

you: I guess, kinda.

But not really either — I changed a lot!!

me: good.

good, you sucked.

you: !!!!

Yea maybe…? Or at least I sucked at being happy…

Much better at it now.

me: yea..?

you: Yep!!

me: yea, you are fucking welcome.

you: !!!

I didn’t mean because of YOU! :(

me: well it usualllly is.

you: Boooo.

Okay, I want you to lie again.

me: hahahaha….

wish… i lied to you more back then….

regrets.

you: HAHA no I liked you for your honesty.

me: but i never was…

maybe that’s why i made more of an effort. because of that..

idk.

but i think it was also because.

of you

you: haha. I like that.

But I’m still married you know.

me: yea, well who the fuck isn’t?

you: YOU ARE MARRIED???!!!

me: sure.

you: OMGG SERIOUSLY??

When? How???

me: when? then.

how? just… you know. well. that’s how…

you: Are you lying right now???

me: yep, you just told me to…

you: OMG YOU BUTT.

I believed you…

-_-;;;

me: lol…

but no seriously who isn’t married.

everyone I ever loved.

is married.

you: Do you want to hear my dream???

me: hmmmmmmmmmm

mmmmmmm

mmmmmmm.

not really

you: No, it’s really crazy! I’ll tell you anyways.

So I was like in a different planet and there was a gigantic tree. And it was THE prettiest tree I’ve ever seen.

me: what made it so pretty?

you: It was enormous, and had like leaves I’ve never seen. Oh, and just — the place I was in. Like a peaceful grassland with this huge tree in the center.

me: ok ok . so, this tree?

you: Yea! So I wanted to climb it and get a better view. But it was weird you know, because I’m afraid of heights.

So as I was climbing, I started getting scared.

And I slipped at I could feel like my heart pounding because I thought I was going to die!

Then out of the tree, sprang out a giant falcon…

me: like lord of the rings.

you: what??

me: giant falcon, like lord of the rings…

you: Wuht?? No!!

This wasn’t like one of your nerdy RPG games!

me: sounds exactly like that….

you: Anyways!!! The falcon caught me. And I was sooooo I relieved I was saved. So I was like oh we have to go to my husband to tell him, and the falcon brought me back home. And my husband and I were so grateful.

So we were going to prepare dinner for the bird, but our place had no food. Like NO FOOD.

I looked everywhere. Then I started to get hungry…

Like really hungry.

So I was telling my husband I’m really hungry.

So he’s like ‘oh, let’s cook this bird’

me: what.

the fuck.

you: Nono, but like the cooking part kind of skipped over in my dream and it was like the meal was already ready, you know?

me: you and your husband are evil…

you: LMAO. Crazy dream righttt??? And it tasted soooooo good.

me: you made me not want to go to sleep. thanks.

you can also tell your husband i am never coming over for dinner.

you: LOL

me: yep… anyways.

good night.

I hate you.

please don’t text me again. mlm

you: Goodnight!!

was all the things i wanted, but disagreed by the very will of chemistry and physics...

things i wanted to keep. and hold onto. but would slip and fall between my fingers, the more i held on...

things i wish was here today. but know too well, that was then...

and now...

now. that emptiness breaks me.

at the realization,...

those things don't exist.

and that.

it exists. .only through me,

.

and the person that i am

what i wanted. longed to keep. and wish to be here today...

is but me, myself, and i...

.

.

.

its.......... just been a reflection of myself; a shattered kaleidoscope of i

that... has been waging war against the very will of chemistry and physics.

and from this long campaign i've only been...

beaten, hurt, broken, ...............

............

......

..

.

and so,...........

what breaks me.

is myself.

it's. me.

.

broken and shattered, a million times fold, and a million times more.

... only to finally see myself.

... .

⣳⢼⠳⢎⠹⠠⠓⠤⡓⠌⠶⠬⢼⠇

and. me?

the me that i am?

.....

....

..

.

well,

i've walked,

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣶⣿⣷⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠸⣿⣟⢻⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣴⢿⣿⡉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⠇⢹⠀⢻⣷⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⡏⢠⡟⠀⠈⣿⡏⠒⠀⠴⣖⣲⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⢸⠀⣿⠀⠀⠀⡿⣯⠁⠀⠈⠉⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⡆⢻⡀⠀⢀⡧⢿⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⢻⠚⣿⡶⠿⣀⣀⣀⣉⣑⢲⡄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠙⠁⣿⠉⢻⠉⠉⢹⡟⢸⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠸⣷⢸⠀⠀⢸⣇⣼⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣰⣿⢼⠀⠀⢀⡿⠻⡁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡿⠁⡎⠀⠀⣸⣟⣛⣛⣒⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢰⡇⢠⠃⠀⠀⡟⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣸⠬⠿⢤⣀⠸⠇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀and walked.............⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

⢠ ⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

and walked.

⢠ ⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉

in my head, twisted, enigmatic, impossible head.

⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉ ⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉ ⠈⠉⠉⠁⠀ ⠉ ⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉ ⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉ .. .. ⠉⠉

. ⠈⠉ ⠉⠉⠉ .. ..

⠉ ⠉⠉⠉ ⠉⠉⠉

⢠ ⠉⠉⠉ ⠉⠉⠉ ⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉

i walked.

lived in between my breaths. ⢧⣋⠟⣥⠫⣜⡹⢍⡻⢔⢻⣯⣿⣟⡴⡙⢤

⢮⡱⢎⣳⢣⢏⡞⢧⣋⠟⣥⠫⣜⡹ for all the times i've been broken.

⡙⢤⡻⢔⢻⣯⣿⣟⡴⡙⢤⢹⣷⡿⠁⠀⢻⠀⠀⡳⣝⢶⡹⢮⡝⣮⢳⠞⣵⡛⣬⡓

⡳⣝⢶⡹⢮⡝⣮⢳⠞⣵⡛⣬⡓⡳⣝⢶⡹⢮⡝⣮⢳⠞⣵⡛⣬⡓

and in my breaths

⡳⣝⢶⡹⢮⡝⣮⢳⠞⣵⠞⣵⡛⣬⡓⣎⠶⣙⠞⡴⠞⣵⡛⣬⡓⣎⠶⣙⠞⡴

⠞⣵⡛⣬⡓⣎⠶⣙⠞⡴⠞⣵⡛⣬⡓⣎⠶⣙⠞⡴⠞⣵⡛⣬⡓⣎⠶⣙⠞⡴

i've .....................................

............................................

seethed.....................resent against Will, harbored.... bitterness against Destiny,

⡝⣎⡳⣝⢶⡹⢮⡝⣮⢳⠞⣵⡛⣬⡓⣎⠶⣙⠞⡴⣋⠞⡼⣱⢋⠶⡽⣜⣳⢼⠳⢎⠹⠠⠓⠤⡓⠌⠶⠬⢼⡵⢊⡝⣎⡳⣝⢶⡹⢮⡝⣮⢳⠞⣵⡛⣬⡓⣎⠶⣙⠞⡴⣋⠞⡼⣱⢋⠶⡽⣜⣳⢼⠳⢎⠹⠠⠓

i've raged --

⡓⠌⠶⠬⢼⠇⣻⣿⠴⡙⢆⢢⣿⣐⠸⠶⣹⡜⢮⡝⣧⢻⡜⣏⣻⢲⠿⠻⠶⠇⣹⡜⣻⢲⢆⢢⣿⣐⠶⠿⠻⠶⠇⣻⣎⡳⣝⢶⡹⢮⡝⣮⢳⢼⠇⣻⣿⠴⡙⢆⡴⣋⠞⡼⣱⢋⠶⡽⣜⣳⢼⠇⣻⣿⠴⡙⢆⠌⠶⠬⢼⠇⣻⣿⠴⡙⢆⢼⠇⣻⣿⠴⡙⢆⢼⠇⣻⣿⠴⡙⢆⢼⠇⣻⣿⠴⡙⢆⢼⠇⣻⣿⠴⡙⢆

............. raged.

.

raged.

.

⠡⣐⠸⠶⠿⠻⠶⠟⠉⡙⢶⣙⠮⡜⣭⢚⡴⣹⡜⢮⡝⣧⢻⡜⣏⣻⢲⡙⢶⡹⣌⠳⣍⡜⣏⣻⢲⡙ ⠡⣐⠸⠶⠿⠻⠶⠟⠉⡙⢶⣙⡴⣋⠞⡼⣱⢋⠶⡽⣜⣳⢼⠳⢎⠹⠠⠓⠤⡓⠌⠶⠬⢼⡵⢊⡝⣎⡳⣝⢶⡜⣏⣻⢲⡙ a silent.....⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠂⠌⠒⢄⠒⢌⠣⡘⡱⠌⠒⠌⡎⠵⣘⠲⡌⢖⡩⠈⡄⢰⢈⢄⠃⠤⡙⢎⠸⣁⠞⡨⣐⢡⣲⣤⣍⣦ but reverberating ,⣭⢎⡵⢪⡝⢦⡛⡼⡱⢎⡵⢊⡝⣎⡳⣝⢶⡹⢮⡝⣮⢳⠞⣵⡛⣬⡓⣎⠶⣙⠞⡴⣋⠞⡼⣱⢋⠶⡽⣜⣳⢼⠳⢎⠹⠠⠓⠤⡓⠌⠶⠬⢼⠇⣻⣿⠴⡙⢆⢢⣿⡄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠠⠈⡄⠡⠈⠌⢢⢡⠐⡁⠎⠀⠂⠌⡑⣈⠱⠈⠂⡔⢡⠘⠄⠊⠔⡈⠔⠰⣌⠡⣐⠸⠶⠿⠻⠶⠟⠉⠀ storm.⢮⡙⢶⣙⠮⡜⣭⢚⡴⣹⡜⢮⡝⣧⢻⡜⣏⣻⢲⡙⢶⡹⣌⠳⣍⢚⡱⢌⠚⣤⣡⠎⡐⠐⠈⠀⠀⣄⠠⠀⠀⠀

of calamitous⠀freezing⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⠀⠀⠁⠈⠒⠀⠀⠂⠀⣸⣶⣬⣦ ⠐⠀⠀⠈⠁⠀⠈⠒⠨⠑⠈⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠀⠀⣤⣄⣀⣶⣄⣰ ⢧⣛⢮⢟⡼⣭⢳⡙⢮⡜⢦⡙⢮⡜⣣⡝⢦⢫⠼⣱⢚⡧⡝⣎⡳⣙⢮⡕⣣⠻⠷⠿⠾⣿⣶⢷⡶⠾⠛⠋⠁⠀⠀⠐⠄⠀⠀⠀⠈⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠁⠘⠉⠉⣿⣧⢓⡜⡐⣻⡿⠲⠶⠶⠆⠀⠀⢀⣀⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣦⣤⣤⣴⠷⠛⠋⠁⠀⠙⠛⠷⠦⠄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠻⠟⣿⣯⣿ ⢯⡜⣣⢞⡱⢎⢣⡝⡲⢞⠦⣙⢦⣹⣵⣎⣧⣋⣎⣥⣿⣾⣵⣦⡕⠮⣿⣿⠟⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀and ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣧⠳⣌⠱⢻⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠻⠛⠛⠉⠁⠀⠈⠉⠉⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀cataclysmic burning⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣤⣤⣰⣿⡇⠋ ⣓⠫⢓⠮⠴⣩⠒⠄⠁⠀⠀⠀⠈⠛⠛⠛⠉⠉⠉⣀⣤⡴⠞⠛⠙⠛⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠠⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢻⣷⡓⡬⢃⢻⣷⠀⠈⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⠀⠀⠄⠀⢀⣠⣠⣤⡴⠶⠶⠛⠛⠛⠻⠛⠙⣧⠀ ⠀⠁⠀⠄⠁⠀⠈⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣀⣤⠶⠛⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠑⠆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⣿⣧⢳⠩⡌⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠐⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⡄⠀⠀⣿⢀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⠋⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢻⣿⣇⠳⣍⣿⠆⢀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠐⠈⠈⠋⠀⣿⣌ ive⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀raged.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⣿⣏⢳⣾⡿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣦⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⡏ and⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢻⣿⣯⣿⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢻⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⡇ raged.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣀⠀⣀⣤⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣸⣿⣿⡟⠀⠀⠀⠠⡄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⠀⢸⡃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢘⣇ ⡀⠀⠀⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⠀⣀⠀⠙⠛⠒⠙⠛⠳⣤⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣀⣀⣀⣀⣠⣴⣶⣾⡂⢀⢀⢀⣿⣿⣿⡃⠀⠀⠀⠐⣇⣀⡒⢤⡴⣶⣦⡄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⠀⠀⠀⠭⠀⢸⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⣿ ⣷⣶⣶⣦⣄⣀⢀⡀⢀⣴⣾⣿⣦⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠰⣆⠀⠀⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⡀⠀⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⠀⣀⡀⣀⣀⣀⣀⣼⣽⣯⡍⠉⠉⠹⣿⣯⣽⣿⣾⣮⣿⣿⣿⣿⣴⣶⣤⣾⣿⣿⣿⡟⣦⠘⠶⠀⠁⠀⠀⣤⣄⣄⣀⠀⠀⠀⢀⠀⢀⡀⢀⡀⣠⣤⣤⣤⣶⣾⡆⣸⣷⣶⠀⣰⠀⢸⡇⢀⣀⠀⡀⠀⢀⣀⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣾⣿⣧⣼⣷⣿⣿⣿⣽⣿⣿⣿⣧⣤⣤⣤⣴⣾⣽⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⣷⣷⣦⣤⣦⣶⣤⣤⣿⣴⣿⣿⣤⣶⣤⣾⣷⣾⣦⣾⣷⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣿⣷⣿⣷⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿

raged,............

against God...

.

.

.

.

.

.

and................

...................

...........

.........

.

..........

..

.

….

and be yet ….

more broken.

every….. bit of my neurons.

all sense………… of pride

my

………………..

………….

spirit.

…………

…………………….

shattered.

.

and

.

.

so..

I let go

and

floated.

in

the void.

and

In the silence

יהוה

.

still

.

.

.

gives

.

.

.

me

.

.

light.

.

.

.

.

to

.

.

.

.

.

go

.

.

.

forward to.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣀⣀⣀⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣀⣤⡴⠶⠞⠛⠛⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠛⠛⠶⢦⣄⡀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣠⣤⣶⣾⠿⠛⠉⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠛⢦⡀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣤⠶⢛⣩⠶⠛⠉⠀⠀⠀⣀⣤⡴⠶⠚⠛⠛⠛⠉⠛⠛⠛⢶⡟⠉⢻⡄⠀⠀⠀⠈⢻⡄ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⡴⠟⢉⣠⠶⠋⠁⠀⠀⣠⡴⠞⠋⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⠷⡤⠾⣇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⡴⠛⠁⣀⡴⠛⠁⠀⢀⣠⠶⠛⠁⠀⠀⠀⣀⣠⡤⠶⠒⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠶⣤⡀⠀⠀⠀⢹⡆⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸ ⠀⢀⣴⠟⠁⠀⣠⡾⠋⠀⠀⢀⡴⠛⠁⠀⢰⠞⠳⡶⠛⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⣷⠀⠀⠀⢈⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⣾ ⢴⠟⠁⠀⢀⡼⠋⠀⠀⢀⡴⠋⠀⠀⠀⣠⡾⠷⠶⠇⢀⣠⣤⠶⠖⠲⢶⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡿⠀⠀⠀⢸⡇⠀⠀⠀⢰⡏ ‎⠀⠀⠀⣰⠟⠀⠀⠀⣴⠏⠀⠀⠀⣠⠞⠉⠀⠀⣠⡶⠋⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⡿⠀⠀⠀⠀⣼⠃⠀⠀⢀⡟⠂⠀⠀⢠⡟. ⠀ ‎יהוה ⠀⢀⣼⠋⠀⠀⢀⡾⠁⠀⠀⢠⡞⠁⠀⠀⢠⡾⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣀⣠⡾⠁⠀⠀⣠⡾⠁⠀⠀⢠⡞⠁⠀⠀⣰⠟⠀⠀ ⠀⣾⠃⠀⢠⡟⠛⣷⠂⠀⢠⡟⠀⠀⠀⠀⢾⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣸⣏⣹⡏⠀⠀⣠⡾⠋⠀⠀⢀⣴⠏⠀⠀⢀⡼⠋⠀⠀⠀ ⣸⠇⠀⠀⠈⢻⡶⠛⠀⠀⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠛⠲⠖⠚⠋⠉⠉⠉⣀⣤⠞⠋⠀⠀⢀⣴⠟⠁⠀⠀⣰⠟⠁⠀⣴⠆⠀ ⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⡇⠀⠀⠀⢻⣆⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣤⠶⠛⠉⣀⣀⡀⣀⡴⠟⠁⠀⢀⣤⠞⠁⢀⣴⠟⠁⠀⠀ ⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⣧⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠳⠶⠤⣤⠤⠶⠶⠚⠋⠉⠀⠀⠀⡟⠉⠈⢻⡏⠀⠀⣀⡴⠛⠁⣠⡶⠋⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⢻⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⢷⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣀⣤⠶⠻⢦⣤⠟⣀⣤⠞⢋⣠⡴⠛⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠈⢿⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠛⠳⠶⠤⠤⠤⠤⠤⠴⠶⠒⠛⠉⠁⠀⠀⢀⣠⡴⣞⣋⣤⠶⠋⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠙⢷⡶⠛⠳⣦⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣀⣤⣴⣾⠿⠿⠛⠋⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠘⣧⡀⣀⣿⠦⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⠤⠶⠶⠞⠛⠋⠉⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠉⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

⢠ ⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉⠉

..

.................. btw thissongisfuckingfire

i have

is proof

that i was here.

for this life,

.

.

but...

... God, He has invited me to it...

And in such invitation...

where there is pain there is joy outstanding.

where there is hate there is immeasurable love.

where there is death there is life conquered.

.

.

i did not ask for this life...

But such is the blessing.

up the sky.

but my head buried in dirt.

lets push forward through today.

myself: ehh, lets get by.

myself's myself: ..............*sigh why even go on...

myself's myself's myself: ┌∩┐(◕_◕)┌∩┐

is fractured.

there are days when i come out of the shower and dance in front of my cats.

and there nights when i am haunted by everyone, all that has happened, and all that will be.

there are months where i gaze the sunrise and see tomorrow.

and there are other months where i gaze the past and am only today.

...

...

bipolarity..... runs my life -- in cycles that take me from one end to the other -- it is my seasons as i travel around the sun.

and though in these seasons... i only know of summer and winter.

my sincerity, my dedication, my love,

is the same light

in all of time.

seriously.

why. and how.

am i still here?