Yeah
Since this summer, about August, I’ve had plans to reach out to the counseling center on my school’s campus. I kept making plans to, but the would bail and be like “the timing isn’t right, I’ll do it later” and it wasn’t even like I was avoiding it bc of my ed or anything, I was just like, later. I mean, I probably subconsciously didn’t want to get help bc them I wouldn’t have an excuse if I relapsed but still. I’ve gone back to here a few times since then, fasting ad restricting for a bit, but then will have a normal diet again. But since about September, everything has been way worse.
I’ve been having massive anxiety attacks out of no where, and I’ll get really sad and all this crap. There was one night I was going to a party with my friends and for some reason right before I left to get ready at my friend’s house, I just got so overwhelmed and started crying. I ended up making it to her house but then I broke down again.
Things were okay. I had a lot of moments when I felt sad and would want to just go home, but any time I was out with friends I would just slap on a smile and pretend I was fine. No one really noticed so that was nice, but I definitely noticed my happiness becoming more and more fake.
I had a formal event for my sorority the other night. It was on Friday and I have classes Friday until 2. My friend who I made pregame plans with was like “okay, lets try to be ready super early so we can take pictures outside before the sun goes down” bc of course, it’s November and the sun goes down at like 5. And I was just like okay I’ll try but that might be hard. Basically, I didn’t even start getting ready until like 4:30 cus I had so much other shit to do. I felt off all day but just kept ignoring it and then I picked up my dress from the dry-cleaners and I was a little frustrated bc it wasn’t my ideal dress but I got it so last minute that I didn’t really have a choice. So yeah, got to my friends to get ready and already was pissed off.
I end up doing like half of my makeup, getting frustrated, kept looking at myself in the mirror and hating what I saw, so I had a breakdown. I had one at like 5:15, then my friend tried to help and I got frustrated again so I crying again, but then I calmed down enough to like fix everything. I was pretty much done but then I tried to fix part of my makeup but I honestly just looked at myself and was so frustrated that nothing was going right (bc every time I tried to fix some part of my makeup or something, something else would fuck up.) And I just hated how I looked and how I was so excited for this event but everything was fucking up so I just broke down. And it was one of those where you watch every part of you crumble. My face just fell and I lost it. I cried for a while and then got my shit back together. I felt really bad bc my friends kept trying to talk to me and I kinda yelled at one of them like twice. I didn’t mean for it to come out how it did, I honestly thought I would be able to control my voice/tone, and I intended on just saying whatever it was, but I ended up yelling and it came out so rude.
But anyway, we finally left and my makeup was definitely not as good as I had wanted but I just sorta had to deal. I brought a bottle of vodka with me and my friends and I drank in our car before leaving with our big group on a bus and I ended up finishing half of the bottle in about 20 minutes. Sooo I pretty much got trashed way too fast. But I was happy. I was ignoring everything that was wrong and actually put in a lot of effort to be happy and enjoy myself. So my sorority got onto the buses and I was fortunate enough to get a seat, and everything was great, but then we were like half way to the venue and I started crying again. It just hit me. I don’t even know what triggered it but I just got so upset and couldn’t stop.
I stopped enough once we got to the venue to check in, but then I went to the bathroom and just had a complete breakdown. All of these people were staring at me and asking if I was okay and it was so embarrassing. I tried to collect myself enough to get some food but that didn’t last long. So I went back to the bathroom and my friend’s were like “srsly dude we can’t help if you don’t tell us what’s going on” and I guess I felt bad for leaving them in the dark and I was pretty drunk, plus I really needed to say it, so I told them that my ed was coming back and in the past few weeks I’ve thought about killing myself like 3 or 4 times. I like collapsed into my friends arms at the end, and I just felt like I couldn’t breath. It was so awful. I ended up going home and all these people kept coming up to me while I waited for my ride. People I didn’t even know. It was so embarrassing.
The next day I felt so weird bc that was the first time I ever had such a public breakdown. So many people saw. A couple asked me what was going on the next day, but I just said I was fine.
I told my one friend I was going to make an appointment with the counseling center on Monday. A part of me thinks I kinda have to bc I have been putting it off for far too long and Friday night just proved that this shit doesn’t just go away. I used to have more control over it but I think that’s bc it was full force. Like I was purging and restricting, but at this point I’ve been ignoring it and trying to just eat normally while hating myself. Essentially, I don’t have any control over the situation and it just took over. Say fuck you, this is happening. I literally could not stop crying, it was horrible.
But, at the same time, I really don’t want to go. I want to start this “diet” again and I’m nervous that if I seek help, I’ll actually get better, but probably for only a temporary amount of time, making me hate myself even more later for being so stupid. I don’t know.
OH and this is not as related, but so I’ve sorta become friends with this dude right? We sometimes talk in person, but for some reason we snap chat all the time. But so him, myself, my really good friend, and a couple other of his fraternity brothers sit together at lunch like twice a week so we’re all familiar with each other. But so he snapchatted me a few weeks ago asking if my friend would be his date to his fraternities formal. I asked her and she said she would go, but only if I went too, So basically, this kid needs to find me a date to their formal. So yesterday, the day after my breakdown, he asked me if my friend was still going with him, and I said yeah, as long as he found me a date. (the deal was also with another one of our friends, too. So this kid had to find a date for me and one other girl, but she’s not as close as me and the girl the dude wants to take) but so then he goes “hmm, maybe I should look for another date” I was like woooooow. But so I just said “lol ok” and he goes “I don’t really know your friend that well anyway” I was honestly amazed. That was just sorta the icing on the cake. Like I know a lot of his brothers, am friends with majority of them. And guys typically don’t want to take girls they are just friends with to formals bc they’d rather take girls they’re interested in or whatever, but usually if they aren’t talking to a girl, they’ll just take a friend. But this guy asked their group and hasn’t gotten any answers. So basically no one wants to take me. And while I don’t know for a fact why, it’s really fucking hard not to assume it’s because I’m so fucking fat and gross and ugly. If I were skinnier and prettier I’m sure someone would be like yeah, for sure. But no. They all would rather go alone then take me. Feels fucking awful.
I’ve been having a lot of urges to kill myself again but every time, I think “no, I have to be skinny first”
