Dean the Demon's Blog!

Some days I think things are back to normal but then I remember that I don’t hear any yelling because instead of playing video games when he should be doing homework he’s sleeping. Some days I think things are back to normal but then I see he’s quieter now. Some days I think he’s moved on, which would be great in one way, but they were best friends and you don’t just move on from that. I guess everyone having the same wrist band wasn’t enough because he went and brought/made his own. I don’t know if he’s giving them out to all his real close friends or just keeping the entire something (at least 50) bands for himself. But most people wouldn’t know what the wrist band stands for anyway, I know because I barged in on them playing games so many times that I know both their usernames, but most people won’t know. So maybe he’s keeping them only for people who know, I don’t know. Some days I think he’s doing alright, other days I’m not so sure. 

I don’t want anyone else to be sad but I feel like that’s part of why this is so sad. There so many people around me just going about their day with no knowledge of what happened, and good for them, I wish I could be one of them, but this time I’m not one of them. And in the future I’ll probably be one of them again, but right now I’m not and I’m trying to understand how the world is still turning and it’s been almost two full days without this person. Sure, he made no impact on me personally on a day to day basis, but now he’s just gone! And he made an impact on my brother on a day to day basis so in the long run he made an impact on me. And speaking of the long run what about all the nights he stayed up late to maybe finish an essay for class, or he agonized over the test he hadn’t spent enough time studying for, or what about when he finally worked up the courage to go after the girl he dated for a few months? What about all these things??? You’re suppose to do essays and do well in tests to get into college, that’s the deal you make as a student! He put in all this time and effort and suddenly all his time and effort is for nothing! He got nothing out of it in the long run? MAYBE he had short term satisfaction for doing well in school, I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. He’s gone though. He can never stay up late working on an essay again. He can never agonize over a test again. He can never work up the courage to talk to anyone again. And how is that possible? He was just here. And how is the world still spinning and new days keep coming and people just keep living their lives as if nothing has changed! Of course that’s because they’re one of the lucky ones this time and nothing has changed for them. I thought I could handle a death of a person, and I still think I can, but he was 16. He was my brother’s best friend. He wasn’t suppose to die yet. He was too young of a person. Rest in peace.

Out of instinct, I go to close the bedroom door before remembering I need to keep it open so he knows he’s welcome in. And out of instinct when someone asks who I am I say ‘good thank you, how are you’ even though I feel so terrible right now. Because instinct becomes so engrained in our mind that stopping it feels wrong and almost impossible. The very thing that is suppose to keep us alive can just as easily work against you and be the thing that kills you. Hope everyone is having a better Sunday than me, good vibes always appreciated.

You won’t ever see this and I’m so upset and saddened by that fact. I mean you probably wouldn’t have seen this anyway, but if there was a chance you would’ve seen this I wouldn’t be writing this because there’d be no reason for me to. I always try to look on the bright side and find the silver lining but how can you with something like this? I’m so sorry you won’t ever see this. You were too young. You should still be here, you should be video chatting with my brother right now. I should be interpreting and you should be saying hi to me and Maxwell should be telling me you’re saying things I know you aren’t saying because I can hear you because his headphones are too loud. You should be at your computer right now, or eating dinner, or swimming, or doing something, anything! And I shouldn’t be using past tense because you should still be here. But you aren’t and you’ll never see this and I’m so sorry about that. And I’m sorry that Maxwell probably did try to figure out how many thousands of hours he spent with you. And I’m sorry that your friends are in NYC and having to deal with his while being away from home. And I’m sorry no one had the time to say a proper goodbye but you were just at school! And saying sorry isn’t enough because it doesn’t do anything but I’m so sorry. Rest in peace.

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