Deanna Zandt's Extra Helping

A while back I asked the Internets where we share and discuss not-fully-formed ideas and hypothesis now. Back in the day (*takes long drag of imaginary cigarette*) it was blogs, but then they became official. Then it was Twitter, but the (a) the party got too big, and (b) it’s never been really that good at nuance, has it? Someone suggested Tumblr is still this place; I haven’t spent time here in years. What do y'all diehards think? Time to emotionally reinvest in Tumblr?

Yello! Here are the articles, people and organizations I recommend working with for securing your digital selves:

Wait, you can do that?

“I hate erasing. I’ve hated it since I can remember.

Erasing something never really erases it. There’s always the ghost of where it was, telling the viewer that this thing they’re looking at wasn’t always this good, this perfect. If you try too hard to erase something, the paper gets damaged, which is even worse. Over-erased, rubbed-out paper, that’s the evidence of the shame you hold for your imperfection. Your mistakes.”

Now that I have your attention with the cutest little piggy EVER -- an announcement!

Since starting therapy, making meds adjustments and generally working my way out of my last lil touch o’ the depression, I’ve realized that I’ve got to do some work on my internal resources. This is haaaaaaaard. HARD. Even typing it is hard and scary because I hear the Demons of Judgment hovering just behind my laptop.

For the next little bit, I have to dial back on a few key activities:

Pro-bono advisement.

Charitable giving.

Some socializing/event attending.

I’ll explain each of these, but for the “don’t need to know that much” crowd who want to stop reading soon: I’ve been putting a lot of time and energy into a lot of different places outside of my own work/passions, and it’s becoming clearer to me that I don’t always do those things for the healthiest of reasons. Sometimes it’s for ego (who loves to be needed? this grrl! Who’s overwhelmed by all the need? this grrl!). Sometimes it’s because I feel guilty. (No bueno.) Sometimes it is for the right reasons, but all the other helping prevents me from doing a good job, and that fails everyone.

This doesn’t mean I don’t want to be asked for help, by the way. This is more of an explainer for why I might say no.

Now for digging into the whys of each area-- and honestly, I’m mostly doing this writing for myself, to ease my conscience, to tease a bunch of this out. I also want to be transparent, because you know how I feel about being real in the variety of struggles we all face, when it’s within our capacity to do so.

Pro-bono advisement. There just isn’t enough time in the day. I’m passionate about OODLES of projects out there. I am so blessed (not even #hashtagblessed-- actually blessed) to be surrounded by creative, brilliant and ambitious people. I want to join you in some of my own adventures (for myself, and for our clients), and I need to focus on those in deeper ways than I ever have before. This feels selfish. It also feels like the only way I’m going to keep healing. I’m a mess of contradictions.

Charitable giving. I also made the decision to invest more financially in my own health (and actually, Izzy’s health), which means I can’t afford to make donations to groups the way I have in the past. I also have tax problems I’m dealing with, because I suck at money. I also haven’t been making a ton of money, which feels weird to admit, but it’s in part because of the pro-bono stuff, and in part because of the suck-at-money stuff. The hardest one for me is turning down gofundme-type requests. So many people are struggling so much harder than me, and there is still a lot of my Christian upbringing that says to give whatever I can to ease the suffering. (I’m grateful for that upbringing, btw-- that’s not a slight.)

Socializing and events. Because I live in NYC, there are always TONS of events to go to, to support the aforementioned brilliant peeps I get to call friends. On average, 4 nights of any given week for me are scheduled to do this kind of socializing. I love the peeps and the work, but as a secret introvert, it does take a lot out of me. Someone I share a calendar with told me that my life just looks exhausting, never mind living it, heh. Again, I’ve got to teach myself to refocus on my own projects.

I know in part that I do a lot of these things to avoid myself, to avoid really digging into what I want to be or do. So, I’m gonna ask for a lot of love and understanding in the coming period of time as I learn not to chase all the shiny all the time, and look at some of my own messy ‘n’ dirty and see what’s in there.