thoughts.

I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. 

I literally show nothing but love to everyone I know. I cringe at the idea of talking shit about someone I call my friend. It just sucks knowing that people you consider friends talk shit about you and how they find it so easy to walk all over you, but on the weekends you find yourself taking shots with them in your dorm or going to frat parties with them. 

I'm an extra in their movie. I'm of little significance. I can walk out of their lives, and they wouldn't glance back. They'll be okay, I'll be okay, we'll all be okay. We mean very little to so many people in this world. And to me, that's an inconvenient truth. 

It just sucks because I put myself completely out there so everyone can get to know me for who I really am, but when no one reciprocates this and instead uses what they know about me against me, I get hurt. I hate bottling up who I am. It's no fun. 

Because it's healthy to explain how you feel...

I'm going back to school tomorrow. I'm halfway through the semester. In one month, I'll be vacationing in New Orleans and in a month after that, it will be summer vacation. They're the only things that are helping me get through the rest of the semester. And just like that, my first year of college is over. 

There's this voice inside of my head telling me to drop out. That school is not for me. That I can find a way to make a living without school. I think I'll have a clearer idea after this summer, but right now I sound crazy. 

In just one year, I feel as if I had "enough" college. I was already "bored" this semester, re-establishing myself in classes and in clubs. I don't know if I have the will to do that for another four years. 

I'm a child. I'm stubborn. I think I can conquer the world. I think I have this worldly knowledge. I don't. I'm a mess. I don't know what I want. I don't know what's best for me. I'm looking for answers in all the wrong places.