m.s.

• i go with “m.s.” in my writings.

• i made this blog to share my poetry. please don’t share nor copy without tagging me <3

all of these things i keep to be reminded,

that i existed in those moments

no, i'm not scared to be forgotten as much as being scared that i'm difficult to keep.

as if the shore washed me with poisonous wave

finally, the chains surrounding me started to rust.

i’m seeing things

no, not like hallucinating

i’m seeing signs that keeps coming in rush to the point where my heart stings like a small stabs in my chest.

my body feels so ripped off from the inside

it’s like a full blown panic attack.

put me on electric shocks until it hits the right nerve on my brain,

until i start to feel better again.

cry to the rhythm of my heart

i fought myself for too long

i’m not having any regrets anymore

the only regret i have was being too scared

to say a word.

too far gone to make me stay

up all night longing to the words i never said

when they need to be said

but

there’s new beginnings in different places

the shadow always follows the moon

unfortunately the moon doesn’t always appear as same as before

here lies the truth of changing

where we share each other’s pain

and how it was pouring rain

asking God to shower away all our problems

while you’re chasing the wrong people for explanation and clarity.

permanent frowned lines on my face

tried to seal my mouth, but the stitches kept on bleeding

i built a circus in my mind where it spread out like a disease

despite being sore,

i will always crawl back to it in my sleep

i can’t tell the difference between my mind and heart,

so i justify it as my intuition.

it hurts so much,

i started crying my past tears that were stuck in the back of my eyes

feel my lungs full of air, yet not fulfilling.

i always end up in the same position

there’s no point of questioning,

if there’s no answer to what i concur.

The sky began to darken

as the weight of my shoulders started to fade

Tried to believe a reason to stay,

but it did not last long.

I put my headphones on

while I repeatedly listened to

"Sleeping in" by The Radio Dept.

I looked at the window and started mumbling those words,

"I Know it's not my place" as I wept in the backseat like a baby.

A display of uncompleted poems stacked in my room

diaries covered with dust

and my lungs filled with rust

and maybe I'm just a person to waste your time with and nothing more.

This vault never been easy to be solved.

most of the paradox were an illusion to the minds.

Their faces change as they bullshit their way out through their teeth.

I bit my tongue so hard it got tangled up.

Blood vessels and solid iron

they remind me of grief and love

same taste yet different substance.

Hundreds of papers scrapped by an outrageous burst,

but the ink always find its way to write your name.

Throughout our conversations, they seem scripted like a talking machine only answering what you want to hear.

A whisper of change

Comes within a distance from an empty line

If i don’t hear it, it might go away

but the closer I get, the more I lose its noise.

aimless love took us for granted

funny how the best things can’t last forever

as much as i wanted to stay

a part of me loves to leave it all

but the love you gave me, will never fade away.

death been holding me back

the clocks are ticking

the clocks are ringing

a whole lot of shit to take care of

a little time to rest up

up until dawn on a sunday morning

quiet enough to remember the pain

thoughts are spiraling

minds are drowning in air

storming ideas of an empty reality

just to see it crumbled in people’s illusions.

and tearing down the rest.

and all of “mine”

turned into “never mind”

and when you discover all of my lines

i’m not going to hold you back

you can go and i will watch you leave.

and i know i will remember you longer than I’ve known you,

like a closed wound bleeding out of my throat.

wasted all my days changing everything to fit flawlessly for you, until i didn’t recognize myself anymore.

and all i could hear is the voice in my head

telling me to runaway before it slows down the drain.