1. Buying a house in AZ because my family is here and I'm currently working here.

Down side to this, it is possible my brother moves because he doesn't like it here and it is possible my dad gets a promotion at work and moves to his company headquarters in Los Angeles. Which leaves me stuck here alone.

2. Travel. I did some research and it would cost a minimum of 20k to travel for a year in the US. But if I did this, I would get a travel van.

Downside I would have to leave my job, I wouldn't have a real place to live, and I would be away from alot of my friends and family.

3. Move back to California and either rent or buy a place.

3a. If I rent in California, I would have more money left over to do other things like disney pass ect. Right away. And or I would be able to do a small trip/vacation.

- I am in a light house on the edge of a cliff with some girl that I "know". It is raining and the waves are crashing against the side of the light house where there is a porthole so we see the waves. During this storm the lights go out but it is still bright enough for us to see and move around. We go from the porthole back down the hall where it connects into a house. We are in the living/kitchen area (open floor concept). We are about to go down the stairs into the bedroom and rest of the house area when she makes a comment about how this drawer isn't shutting. Before I have ignored this, because i have had this dream before, and usually she will follow me down the stairs. This last time, for whatever reason, I told her she says this every time. And that every time I'm here it's like that. Even the FREEZER door is like that. We spend what feel like 30 minutes trying to get these things to close. We finally head down stairs and as we head down the stairs I start to wake up. (Last update 3/24)

- I have this reaccuring dream, I call it reaccuring but it is always a different person and different conversation but it always end the same. I begin in the white void. It is to endless to call a room but so welcoming to really say a void because a void sounds in its name uneasy and lonely.

I'm in this white void, and as I look around I find a relative or loved one who has passed away. At first, I am unsure of who they are but they begging to walk towards me. The closer they get the more real they become, I can feel them, I can touch them. We talk about anything, usually how life is going or in rare circumstances when I see my mom or grandma we embrace and we cry. We talk about all the things they missed out on and what's been going on and I tell them I miss them so much. This is when I feel the most zen, and i dont use that word lightly, when this happens it's the happiest I have been in the longest time I could remember. It's also the only time I think I have cried in a dream. But all dreams must come to an end and all these dreams no matter who is in them always end the same. "....It's not your time." Their eyes lock with mine and become clearer then ever. My warm feeling turns cold. They repeat, "It's not your time."

I finally wake up in a jolting motion almost to a full sit up.

*A list of people who have appeared* (Mom, Grandma, Paul, Aunt Lena, Grandpa)

- I have been continuously being woken up by the screaming of my grandpa. In the middle of the night, if I am a sleep or not, I can hear him yell. "Tinnnnaaaa" "Jaccoooob" maybe it's because I don't want him gone. Maybe it's because I don't want to believe he is gone. Or maybe in some sick way, i want to be needed again.

- New dream. I am at a park playing basketball and my aunt Cathy borrowed my jeep. She returns saying it was destroyed in a fire. I beggin to cry. I am now at home. I am talking to Erin and Johnny about what we are going to do about some crime I am involved in. The school, based of the show community, is trying to frame me for a murder of some kind and the dean is trying to frame me. People avoid talking to me to not get involved. I start to cry again. We find the dean down by the train tack paying a junkie for what we assume is part of him framing me. Johnny doesn't let me beat him there. I am now back at home in the garage but its looks different and is empty. But I am hearing this weird scratching noise. Eventually I look up and it is a cat that jumps down at me from the ceiling. I wake up. What I find weird about this dream is the crying seemed so real. Like I was actually crying. I could feel it

5/18 My dreams were in Spanish. I was hanging out with a lot of different people, Patrick, Erin, Jonathan, and some rocky people.. I don't know what people were saying but everything was in Spanish.

10/2 Last night I had a dream that life was normal, no more covid. No more fear. I had a life and I felt bliss. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I wake up and feel almost broken and weighed down by every thing

11/19 Last night I had a dream where jessie, dad, and myself started walking around the house in vista. In every window grandpa was sitting in a chair. Once we made it fully around the house I asked if anyone else saw grandpa in each room. They said yes so we went inside to check. Dad went to one grandpa in a chair I went to another. We both touched the grandpas at the same time. Both jumped up but the one near dad turned into my cousin Alfonso. Grandpa near me began to fall towards Alfonso and Alfonso side stepped him and grandpa face planted it on the ground. He then got up and started falling backwards towards dad but dad couldn't catch him and he bashed his head on the ground. Then I woke up.

5/28 Last night I had a dream I had lumps under my arm. I went to my step mom and we decided to cut my arm a little to pull things out. Stuff coming out was watches, keys, etc.

It was the whole dream but it was weird.

Like, maybe just letting go of everything and everyone would be nice. Just to vanish. I don't want people to hurt when I'm gone because of me. But I don't want to hurt because of me either. There is always this quite sadness that fills me, that makes me feel like I am not good enough that no matter what I do, I am going to be alone. So why wait to be alone and just be alone forever. The sad part about this feeling and these thoughts are I can't commit to a way of dying. I wouldn't want to shoot myself because it is to messy. I would not hang myself or jump off a bridge because I don't like heights. I am no to found of taking a poison or over dosing. I have thought of slitting my wrist and laying in a bathtub full of warm water.

I haven't self harmed in a while or atleast not in the traditional sense. I haven't cut in years but I do starve myself, I was smoking multiple packs a day, I refused to go to the doctors, or I would pull my hair.

Suicide is not selfish. It is death caused by a disease. I do not want to die, I just want the pain to stop but at a certain point I don't think there is a difference.

Some days I feel that this is why I am alive to feel these incredibly strong feelings but other days I'm not strong enough to carry this burden. I haven't self harmed in about five years but I am starting to get back to that place because everyone that I ever loved has left me. My grandparents, my mom, my brother, my lovers, my friends...

I feel alone in a world in which you are expected to sink or swim and my arms are getting pretty tired and the taste of water sound pretty good right now. My chest feels tight, my head wants to leave my skull, and the only thing I want is to not be alone.

I’m writing this letter to you as if you could read it. As if the nights we fought and yelled at each other were still here to come. I am writing to you because I miss you, I am starting to forget what you smelled like. I am starting to forget your touch. But I haven’t forgot your laugh or your enormous heart. You laughed at the dumbest jokes and usually you were the one to make them. Your heart was the biggest heart I knew, sometimes it wasn’t the best shown but you loved everyone even when they didn’t deserve it. I am sorry that it has taken me so many years for me to read this out loud and for you to hear it and I am sorry that it's not going to be perfect.

I remember spending time with you, going to the zoo and seeing the animals. Being at Disneyland with you, going on all those rides and being an adult with you. Yet I also regret not being honest and truthful with you. I had been in relationships that I didn’t tell you about. I slept on the side of the road because I was too drunk to drive home and didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to worry. What I regret most is something I know you probably knew but I was to embarrassed to say it but I am a Bisexual. I have dated both men and women, I have also slept with men and women. This is something I can’t get over and something that makes me cry, is knowing that I will marry someone without your knowledge and without your blessing.

I hate myself for lieing to the only person who ever wanted to know me, the only person who fully supported me.

I cry for Travis, a part of us died and were cremated with you. I remember He blamed himself for the things he said and the things he didn’t say. Both of us were robbed from the “I love you’s” and the weird adventures you would plan. Our kids will grow up with out a grandma. You would have spoiled the hell out of my kids and I would get pissed. You, from a young age, wanted to be a mom. You gave birth to two boys, and you still wanted more. I miss the moments laying in your bed and just being there. Not talking, just laying there with you, feeling you next to me. I miss that security. I miss you and everything about you. You are with me every day and it's hard to say that knowing that you can't physically be here. It has been ______ year(s) and I still can't clean my hands of it. I still remember every compression, every breath, every second of that day. It feels like it was yesterday. I can't stop playing that day in my head. I can't go a day without wanting to send you something or run into your room and jump on your bed.

I miss you so much and I hate being here without you. I hate myself more, I hate the person I had to become and the decisions I had to make. I hate being this alone. I hate crying every night. I hate how people remind me of you. I hate how people talk about you.

The Jacob Griffin story

Chapter One:

I think I figured out why I am afraid of Heights, why I am afraid of standing next to the edge of a high place.

I am afraid of those things because there is a small part of me knows how easy it is to jump. A part of me knows that if I get close enough, a jump would fix almost all of my problems. I'm not afraid of heights, I am afraid of how easy it is. How quickly I can change everything

I think I know why I am afraid of trains, how easy it is to step on to the tracks. How easy it is to duck under the caution bars, how easy it is to just stand there.

I am afraid of how easy it is. I am afraid of anything that is easy. Anything easy, isn’t worth doing. It is easy to order a pizza. It is easy to just sleep in. It is easy not to eat. It is easy to call in to work. It is easy to not shower.

Anything that is easy isn’t for me.

Dear self : DON’T STOP! Keep pushing. You are all you truly have but not all you truly need. You are a human, and you have dreams. Don’t Stop. If you can remember anything in life, it’s that, Don’t Stop.

Dear crush: I know you don’t think I am flirting by talking about comic books and Harry Potter and musicals with you.... but I am. That’s how I flirt and it probably won’t go anywhere and I’m okay with that. Listening is good enough for me.

Dear Mom: I’m sorry

Dear Dad:

Dear school: I miss you and I can’t wait to go back one day

Dear siblings: Middle child, you are my family. I never thought of myself as a family or die kind of person until it was us. You mean so much to me and I miss you every day.

The youngest, I wish one day I could be in your life. I wanted to watch you grow up, and be there for you. One day, we will be reunited and be a family too.

Dear past me: You defy who I am but you are dead to me. You made bad choices, you hurt people, you tried. And I don’t blame you for that but you are why we can’t forgive us. You are why we feel like this, but that’s not important. It’s up to me and future me to make things better. Thanks for the memories.

Dear future me: DON’T STOP! Keep pushing. You are all you truly have but not all you truly need. You are a human, and you have dreams. Don’t Stop. If you can remember anything in life, it’s that, Don’t Stop

Dear future child: I currently try hard not to be your biological father. If I have future kids, I want to adopt. Mainly because there is a world full of kids who need help and no one helps them. Either way, I will love you. I will raise you and be there for you. I want to be some one you can call Dad and not vomit inside. I will never be ready for you, but I hope I will be.

Dear person i hate: I have nothing for you. You don’t deserve my time

Dear person I love: There are many, and I want to say I love you. Some of you step up in my life when I had nothing and you continue to bring joy and happiness into my life. You brought friendship and love for me and my family. For that, I can never repay you.

Dear ex best friend (s): I miss both of you alot. I miss high school. After the year I had, after everything, I thought I would have gotten a message or a letter or a call from one of you after my mom died. When it happened, I wanted to call you both. I wanted to hear a familiar voice. I cut both of you out of my life and I’m sorry. I didn’t try hard enough on my end and I apologize for that. But we will never be what we were. We will never be “best” friends again and I live with that. I will always wish both of you the best and I hope both of you are happy in your life.

Dear celebrity crush: I wish I could meet you once in my life. Betty White you are amazing and I thank you for everything you do and for all you have given me.

People that hate me: I am sorry. I apologize for us not getting along. I know we can’t all get along and I know we might act nice and friendly but I know you hate me. I know I am the dead bug on your windshield of life, but I’m not sorry for being me. I have made bad decisions and I have been a bad person but I have changed and I have learned to let go of small petty shit. I am actually sorry you hate me.

Dear bestfriend(s): Thank you for being there. Thank you for not leaving, and I mean you all have more than enough reason to leave. Thank you for being my rock this past 6 months. You all have contributed to my life so much and I know if my life were a book you all would have a dedicated chapter in it. That chapter would be how we met or how In a certain moment my life would change even though I didn’t entirely know it. I will leave a few chapter titles here for you to decide which one would be yours.

“Rocky Horror: Pink racing strip”

“Joshua Tree”

“Hotel Closet”

“Islands?”

What is the point?

What in this world will stop the mind crushing, the soul shattering pain in my chest?

There is not a day goes by when I don’t think about her. A day doesn’t pass when I blame myself for the things I said or the things I did. But the worst things that I blame myself for are the things I didn’t say.

I love you.

I love you!

Mom, I love you and I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you I was BI. I’m sorry I lied to you about where I was going at night. I am sorry I didn’t tell you that I was dating a guy for over a year and you never knew. I am sorry I lived a secret life I didn’t have you in. I am sorry I tried so hard to push you away. I am sorry that I ever wanted a world where you didn’t call me everyday.

Because I miss those days. I miss calling you after work. I miss your voice. I miss your hair. I miss you yelling at me. I am sorry for who I was. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I am sorry I couldn’t bring you back. I dream about that a lot. Should I have pressed harder, should I have done more, could I have done more.

I feel empty all the time. I feel like I am going to die soon. I don’t know if it will be natural, or an accident, or even by suicide. But I will die soon. And when I do, I want to see you again. I don’t believe in Christianity, or traditional religions but I think paganism and Buddhism are right

I believe one day I will meet you again. Not in this life, maybe not in after life, but in a possible next life. I believe I will see you again. I believe I will hug you one more time, because that’s what I want and it’s one of few things I hold onto. And if I don’t have that I don’t know what I have. I want to let go, I want to die. I’m a terrible person and I hurt everyone around me.