said thrice.

LITTLE  GIRL  SITS   on  her  knees  in  her  dark  room  ,  best  friend  sitting  near  by  as  they  are  waiting  on  pictures  to  process  .  they  are  taking  ,  a  rather  heart  -  to  -  heart  conversation  after  lydia  got  in  trouble  with  her  parents  because  of  betelgeuse  .  it  made  lydia  upset  for  the  whole  day  ,  it’s  a  much  needed  conversation  that  lydia  insists  that  they  have  .  some  heart  -  to  -  heart  where  they  apologized  to  her  .  she  only  expected  ,  only  needed  ,  an  apology  ,  but  betelgeuse  gets  off  topic  .  they  are  lonely  without  lydia  --  when  she  ignores  them  in  her  anger  is  horrible  ,  that’s  the  point  they  are  making  .

𝚞𝚕𝚒, 𝚒𝚗 𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚍𝚊𝚢 𝚘𝚏 𝚠𝚊𝚝𝚌𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚕𝚢𝚍𝚒𝚊, 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚌𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚍𝚛𝚎𝚗 𝚜𝚖𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚑𝚞𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚜 𝚠𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚝𝚘𝚘 𝚍𝚒𝚏𝚏𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚛𝚎𝚐𝚞𝚕𝚊𝚛 𝚜𝚒𝚣𝚎𝚍 𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚜. the angelus found this comforting for the most part, because he was only just getting to grips with humans in general and frankly did not need them to be any more complicated than they already were.

he’s been invisible up ‘til now, but with the question that has played on his mind all day, uli decides to change that, appearing just behind lydia and quickening his pace to walk beside her.

‘ how do you talk to ghosts ? ’ 

PARENTS  ALWAYS  SAY   not  to  talk  to  strangers  .  but  they  also  say  not  to  speak  to  ghosts  and  the  dead  ,  and  lydia  does  that  anyway  too  .  she  looks  up  to  the  person  who  spoke  to  her  ,  and  smiles  --  the  little  girl  has  a  heart  of  gold  ,  truly  .   ‘  it’s  because  i’m  strange  and  unusual  .  i  can  talk  to  them  like  anyone  else  .  ’   she  answers  .

THERE  IS  A  DIFFERENCE   between  living  and  surviving  .  ask  any  soccer  mom  named  karen  ,  and  she’ll  explain  the  difference  as  living  your  best  life  v.  waking  up  in  the  morning  .  in  fact  ,  any  living  person  would  answer  it  that  way  .  but  vince  .  .  .  vince  isn’t  alive  .  vince  isn’t  a  living  person  .  

THEY  WATCH  THE  DOOR  ,   both  guardians  in  the  library  bathroom  trying  to  fix  themselves  up  from  the  symptoms  of  their  last  near  death  experience  .  it’s  the  curse  of  being  hunted  by  death  --  of  being  a  ghoul  ,  of  being  half  dead  ,  half  alive  .  the  curse  of  having  passed  your  expiration  date  .  a  neverending  stream  of  near  death  experiences  ,  following  your  every  move  .  just  like  death  that  hunts  them  ,  trying  so  desperately  to  kill  them  .  vince’s  eyes  glue  to  the  door  ,  watching  every  one  who  comes  into  the  library  in  case  one  is  death  .  surely  one  will  be  ,  it’s  why  they  have  no  home  ,  just  guardians  suffering  from  the  same  non  -  life  as  them  ,  suffering  from  barely  surviving  and  definitely  not  living  .  

THE  DIFFERENCE  IS  THIS   :  you  can  survive  without  living  .  the  half  dead  ,  the  ghouls  of  the  world  are  forced  to  survive  .  it  is  nothing  about  the  quality  of  life  ,  but  rather  about  whether  or  not  your  existence  is  over  .  survival  is  existing  ,  living  is  the  existence  before  expiration  .

A  VOICE  IS  SPOKEN   near  them  ,  and  it’s  the  first  time  they  take  their  eyes  off  the  door  for  more  than  a  second  .  they  look  to  the  voice  ,  a  living  person  ,  and  they  sit  up  straight  ,  straighten  their  blazer  ,  listen  to  what  is  said  .   that’s  my  book  .   he  claims  ,  gesturing  to  the  book  in  which  vince  had  been  resting  elbows  on  .  vince  cocks  their  head  to  the  side  ,  looks  down  at  the  book  ,  then  picks  it  up  to  hand  it  over  ,  noticing  the  title  and  cover  as  they  do  .

‘  ALIENS  AREN’T  A  THREAT  ,  ’   they  state  ,  offering  an  uncomfortable  smile  as  they  aren’t  entirely  sure  how  to  talk  to  the  living  ,  those  who  genuinely  mean  no  harm  .   ‘  no  one  actually  gets  abducted  .  i  like  the  final  destination  novels  ,  those  could  be  autobiographies  if  the  narrators  didn’t  die  at  the  end  .  ’   teenager  means  no  harm  ,  but  they’ve  had  a  very  different  life  from  the  person  they  speak  to  .  that  doesn’t  mean  they  don’t  notice  the  other’s  reaction  ,  however  .  they  try  to  cover  it  up  ,  try  not  to  start  a  conversation  on  the  realism  of  destiny  v.  abductions  .   ‘  at  least  ,  that’s  what  they  are  teaching  in  english  in  britian  .  the  blurred  lines  of  realistic  fiction  .  ’

the idea of proposing scares the shit out of her because it makes her feel like she’s forcing them, and the idea of being asked to marry someone makes her feel like she’s being forced. no matter how clear it may be that ‘no’ is an allowed answer, she still feels like it’s not okay. that something horrible will happen if a proposal is answered with a no. she distances herself from weddings and proposals as much as possible, but she can handle watching them as long as she’s not involved. she doesnt get flashbacks or the same level of the sinking feeling

however. depending on the btj portrayal, she.... probably could consider marrying someone once she’s older. once she forgives him, once she realizes everything can be okay. if they were both on the same page, if she wasnt marrying for love but for a greencard thing, if she wasn’t afraid of betel flipping out if she backed down (which she would), she could considering marrying betel again, trying again to let him live. but she’d have to be the one to bring it up. and she’d still end up backing out after thinking about it more. but she could consider it.

                he picks at loose strings attached to clothing, pulls and feels it untangle, wraps it around fingers if only to have something to do with his hands. betelguese does not feel guilt for many, his feelings are selective at best. he feels bad for lydia, he feels bad for what he did to her. her father, barbara, adam, delia, those they scared together, they are … a different story.  his goal has almost always been to terrify the living, to cause chaos. girl scout, neighbor, pizza man, they don’t matter. they don’t exist outside of the memory as far as he is concerned. he blinks a handful of times at question. he doesn’t know, he doubts it. who would believe them anyway ?

               he lies through his teeth.   “ yeah, i mean, we didn’t like actually hurt them, y’know ? ”   he doesn’t quite understand, the idea of therapy is strange. the idea that the scare had lasting effects. it was just a little blood, a little gore and terror. there was no harm in that.  “ like, the girl scout probably thought it was like … ”   a chuckle escapes his throat, a small smile.   “ some weird haunted house. ”   he means the kind they put up around halloween. they were good cookies though. he lets the thread go, gravity pulls it to fall into his lap, it is lost with the details as he plucks a picture from the stack.   “ wonder if she was blamed for the missing cookies. ” he tries to change subject, though it isn’t quite a conscious pivot. he simply loses train of thought.    “ did we like … pay for those ? ”   he knows he didn’t pay for them, he doesn’t have money now, let alone then. 

SHE  DOUBTS  IT  TOO  .   no  one  would  believe  a  pizza  man  that  showed  up  to  a  haunted  house  ,  a  elderly  neighbor  with  a  pie  that’s  likely  off  her  meds  ,  a  little  girl  who  could  easily  be  frightened  .  people  can’t  see  ghosts  ,  they  can’t  truly  believe  the  stories  of  those  who  saw  betelgeuse  .  she  should  feel  more  guilty  for  it  ,  for  the  way  they  probably  are  still  dealing  with  nightmares  and  flashbacks  just  like  she  does  .  but  it  wasn’t  like  their  scares  were  too  bad  .  they  might  not  of  even  needed  therapy  .  it’s  a  poor  outlook  to  have  ,  but  she  can’t  think  too  much  about  it  .  not  when  she’s  cheering  herself  up  by  thinking  about  how  fun  it  was  to  scare  them  .   ‘  i  don’t  know  ,  they  probably  just  posted  about  it  online  like  some  creepy  pasta  and  forgot  about  it  .  ’

eros’ betel: exists older lydia: 🔪🔪🔪

            betelgeuse might say that lydia bullies him. it’s not really true. it’s just not possible for a teenager girl to bully a thousand year old demon. but that’s the term he would use. it’s childish, because he acts like a child. she had to have known he would react badly when she told him that he can’t come with her to college. they used to talk all the time about living together again, being roommates. but that’s when she was young. now, nearly eighteen, he sort of understands. privacy. she wants a roommate her own age. so he just suggests that he can come along and hang out, they can still spend every day together, it doesn’t have to be about living quarters.

              and she’d said no to that too. in fact, she’d told him she didn’t want him there at all. he’s used to doing what she wants. he’s always been wrapped around her finger, but ever since the marriage and the murder, he’s nearly bent over backward to please her. caving to her every will. and yet it seems like nothing he does will ever be good enough again. like jesus, how many times does a guy need to apologize to be forgiven for forcing an underage and manipulative marriage??

            for fuck’s sake.

             anyway, he’s thrown a bit of a fit over the whole not coming to college thing. which should really be expected. he’s not letting her go that easily. but she seems pretty determined to be rid of him. and he finally begins to put together that she’s been phasing him out of her life for the last five years and this is the final step. once she moves away and he doesn’t have easy access to her anymore, she’ll stop talking to him and he’ll never see her ever again and it’ll all be over.

             he can’t help it. he just breaks down. ( a betelgeuse breakdown includes a temper tantrum with at least 2 fires, 1 murder, and a lot of broken antiques. ) and when that’s done, his hair is a deep magenta as if it can’t figure out if it wants to be red or purple, and there’s streaks on his cheeks that could be tears if you squint. he wipes his face and just makes it dirtier.

              “ this is your fault, ” he snaps back. “ you just wanted to hurt me. to punish me. you’re a shitty friend. ”

SHE  HATES  THIS  MORE   than  words  can  express  .  it’s  exactly  what  she  expected  --  or  at  least  ,  close  enough  .  she  had  expected  more  fires  ,  more  murders  ,  more  death  and  more  terror  .  even  though  she  hates  it  ,  though  ,  she  isn’t  as  broken  as  the  first  time  .  she  isn’t  crying  over  betrayal  ,  she  can’t  be  when  she  knew  for  years  that  this  was  going  to  happen  .  every  flashback  ,  every  nightmare  ,  it  all  was  leading  her  to  this  --  to  be  able  to  look  at  betelgeuse  as  he’s  crying  ,  not  red  nor  purple  but  something  in  between  ,  and  not  feel  a  thing  .

SHE’S  JUST  AS  BAD  .  she’s  sure  of  it  when  she  isn’t  even  upset  ,  not  heartbroken  but  numb  with  loathing  .  he  tells  her  it’s  her  fault  ,  and  whether  that’s  true  or  not  ,  he’s  right  .  she  just  wanted   (  or  more  accurately  ,  wants  )   to  hurt  him  .  to  punish  him  .  she’s  a  shitty  friend  ,  but  he’s  more  so  .

‘  YUP  .  SURE  AM  ,  BJ  .  ’   is  this  what  it’s  like  ,  to  be  less  than  human  ?  to  be  dead  ?  to  not  feel  happiness  anymore  ,  to  feel  numb  with  anger  over  .  .  .  what  did  he  even  do  to  her  ?  she  forgave  him  ,  but  she  couldn’t  forget  .  she’ll  never  be  able  to  .  he  hasn’t  done  anything  new  to  hurt  her  ,  she  forgave  him  for  marrying  her  .  and  yet  here  she  is  ,  pushing  him  out  of  her  life  until  she  stands  unmoving  ,  crossed  arms  ,  unphased  by  his  breakdown  .

SHE  LOOKS  TO   BARBARA   ,  she  tries  to  swallow  her  terror  .  then  she  looks  to  betelgeuse  ,  and  tries  to  stay  her  assertive  self  ,  hoping  that  maybe  --  just  maybe  --  he’ll  realize  how  cruel  he  is  and  just  stop  .   ‘  but  no  fucking  way  .  ’

according to the cartoon, lydia knows betel for . i think its four years? and then obviously they still know each other even longer than that bc they don’t stop being friends. and i think it’s important to note that fact. because in all versions, charles isn’t really.... there for lydia, and delia doesn’t get lydia at all, and while the maitlands are big time parent figures for her, you have to keep in mind that in the end, the person that she spends the most time with is betelgeuse.

so sure, he might not admit it, and lydia would rather die than say it outloud: but that’s why she has traits from him. she’ll say the same stupid stuff sometimes. when she starts dating, she’ll pull the same ‘lets make out a bit’ bullshit on the girl. 

pre-musical / cartoon verse: it’s before she moved. she lived in new york, and she knew btj then. she’s eleven to twelve. very very based on the cartoon. pretty much anything that happened in the cartoon happened in this verse.

during musical verse: lydia just moved, and she’s really upset because it’s just been sprung on her all of a sudden, and she can’t visit her mom’s grave anymore. since she already has btj in my portrayal, i need to re-explain how it goes. they show up, charles drops the moving bomb and lydia is angry. best friend betel is all ‘hey we should kill him’ and shes like ‘no :(’ and then meets the maitlands. they come up with the day-o plan, which btj witnesses and is like :) this is fine :) but lydia still. ends up saying his name, they scare everyone away, and pretty much the rest is exactly like act two. her saying she’ll just go to the maitlands to ask them to open the book is what.... makes him snap especially since. y’know. she already started to ‘replace / betray him’ with going to the maitlands for the original possession anyway and now again?? not to mention her ‘what are you talking about? i’m going to find my mom’ thing?? oof. anyway she’s still twelve because this is right after the cartoon verse and so she’s still portrayal wise based on the cartoon

older verse: lydia is finishing highschool / going into college. her trauma turned her into being more based on her personality in the musical, so she’s written designed after the musical.