long way down

       NOBODY HAS SAID ANYTHING LIKE THIS. All Waylon has ever gotten has been wishes of ”hope you figure things out soon”, “hope you feel better”. “hope you’re okay”. And that’s all they ever amounted to. Hope. WISH. But he is mature enough to admit part of that is on him. He hasn’t divulged anything to anyone who was close to him back then- not even to Lisa. He felt like that was their gift to them, sparing them the knowledge of what atrocities could be committed by another human being, but now he knows it was just another way to disconnect from the world.

Why can Chris describe it perfectly. 

Why does he know it all so well, so intimately but can still seem so.. put together? Do you have to be a real life Captain America to escape this shit with your sanity?

Chris’ words are gentle but the reality behind them all pierces Waylon in the chest like a dagger, and it TWISTS. Like a key, it unlocks the door and sheds light on the feelings Waylon has crammed in storage for two years.

He’s shaking by the time he bows forward on one elbow, holding his contorting face up lest he loose all ability to support his own body in all of this emotional vertigo. Fuck, fuck, fuck! They’re in public. They’re in public anyone could see this! But the most Waylon can do to hold himself in check is grit his teeth and squeeze his eyes shut. “ That’s the thing- I– I don’t feel like just part of me died. I feel like all of me died. Or- or SHOULD have. I should have died back there but my body kept going, so, s-so– I’m empty! I’m not a person anymore, I’m just skin, and bone, and–and I’m just waiting to decompose because I died in that asylum. “

He rubs his palm over his face, his eyes- cleaning up the tears before they can become too obvious. Waylon doesn’t know why, but he smiles. Smiles that kind of smile that’s mostly teeth and the corners of your mouth want down even though you won’t let them, so it’s quivering- “ I’m a zombie, Chris. I’m dead walking the earth. And I .. I sorta wish I-I could just be taken out like one. Too much of a coward to do it myself. “ People around haven’t seemed to notice him crumbling yet, but they will soon if the building urgency to sob is any indicator.

It’s really not an appropriate place for this conversation -- he can’t imagine the public eye will do Waylon’s anxiety any favors right now, but there’s nothing that Chris can really do to shield him from it.  “ You gotta find your way back.  You didn’t die there at all, Waylon, you just got hurt.  The kind of -- bone deep hurt that can’t be treated like a bullet wound.  Like a broken leg.  It can’t be cut out of you, it’s already hollowed you out.  Sometimes you don’t get back to the person you were before but you learn to love the person you could be -- that’s okay too. “ 

He thinks about resting his Jacket over Waylon’s shoulders, some shred of warmth for comfort -- something tactile but he doesn’t really know how Waylon is with touch so he thinks better of it. 

“ ... When you spend so much time with the dead, it’s hard to remember you’re not one of them.  You’re spending too much time in the attic with the ghosts, Waylon.  It’s easy to feel like -- like a zombie, when that’s the case. “  ( He doesn’t say the word lightly, it comes a little stilted, like it’s difficult. ) “ I’ve had a lot of time and training to get to this point -- it doesn’t happen over night.  There’s a big difference between holding a gun in your hand and a camera.  Between the two, Waylon, I think what you did was braver. “  He’s CONFIDENT in Waylon -- confident he can overcome this, but it isn’t the kind of thing that’s overcome in a single coffee break. 

Chris reaches out, doesn’t touch, but lays his hand on the table -- palm up, inviting, halfway between the space.  An olive branch for the contact he’d like to offer but fears is unwelcome. 

     WAYLON GAPES LIKE A FUCKING FISH. What has he been doing? What has he been doing. The question sits in his mind like a brick and the only answer that comes is the mental equivalent of TV static. What has he been doing? He… hasn’t. He poured what was left of his raped soul into the lawsuit against Murkoff, and what came after were all things that either came as a direct result of the suit, or out of the ghost of a life he once had.

Lisa divorced him. Full custody of the twins. Which was fair- he couldn’t remember the last time he actually was there for them. Or for Lisa, even. All he cared about was milking those bastards for all they were worth——- and when it was over? He was empty.

The little studio apartment he moved into when they split was supposed to be temporary. He hasn’t even bothered to look at other apartments yet. He doesn’t have a job. He doesn’t have to. The money he got from the court case is more than he could spend in a lifetime. But the aching ghost of the person he once was pleaded for some semblance of purpose, so he takes odd tech consultant jobs here and there. Maybe some web design if he’s feeling a little adventurous.

But his phone notifications have been a graveyard. His call history, null. His game consoles have collected dust (too many familiar scenes in games he used to consider beloved).

Waylon breathes a little sigh of relief once Chris saves him from a wobbly, padded explanation of his… life. “ I… that means a lot, Chris. It really does. “ He offers a tight little smile. “ But I…” I’m scared you’ll see the rotting husk behind the mask. Waylon turns his face down and tries to tuck some of his hair behind his ear, but it slips back into place almost immediately. “ I know you must a popular guy. You’re a hero, I mean– people must be hounding you twenty-four-seven. I’d rather not add to the noise. “

Waylon doesn’t have to answer.  Chris can see it -- he remembers those liminal months after GROUND ZERO, coping with the horror ... he had support.  He had other people -- he had his sister.  She went through everything he did -- worse, he’d argue, since she didn’t have his experience.  But he remembers trying to talk to people who weren’t there, how ANGRY he’d get at their hollow condolences, just the window dressings to pleasantries.  THEY DIDN’T KNOW.  

Chris has never wanted to connect to another human being the way he wants to connect with Waylon.  There’s this cry of understanding, the surety that he KNOWS, that Waylon may not have anyone else who KNOWS. 

“ ... I was there.  you know ?  I wasn’t down in the thick or the worst of it, but I got in there, I saved some of ‘em.  I killed some of ‘em.  Not sure how much of that was mercy or how much was survival -- not all of those patients were salvageable.  But you were.  You didn’t die in there, even if it feels like part of you did.  You don’t have to be okay right now, Waylon.  It’s okay to just ... take it at your own pace.  A year, two years, three or four or five -- fuck it, ten years.  You don’t have to heal at anyone else’s pace. “ ( He says it because it needs to be said -- because it’s what they said to him.  Because it HELPED when they did.  Chris has always powered through the bad shit, though, always refused to get knocked down more than he absolutely has to. ) 

He smiles, a little softer at the edges and leans back in his seat --  “ As surprising as it probably is -- nah.  I don’t give that number out much.  Hard to keep friends outside of the military when you’re gone all the time.  No one’s really waitin’ back home for me but my sister, but she doesn’t live around here.  She’s off doing humanitarian work or somethin’ I think. “ 

ASK CHRIS ABOUT HIS BOYFRIEND HE LOVES HIM || always accepting ! 

Among Ruviks many, many psychological issues, the most immediate and concerning being his Antisocial Personality Disorder.  One of the diagnosis most commonly referred to by media as Psychopathy or Sociopathy ( which are terms that aren’t used in psychiatric circles anymore -- they’re still used in the eyes of the law, but they’re not a medical diagnosis. )  Symptoms for this particular disorder are commonly exhibited as:

Disregard for right and wrong

Persistent lying or deceit to exploit others

Being callous, cynical and disrespectful of others

Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or personal pleasure

Arrogance, a sense of superiority and being extremely opinionated

Recurring problems with the law, including criminal behavior

Repeatedly violating the rights of others through intimidation and dishonesty

Impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead

Hostility, significant irritability, agitation, aggression or violence

Lack of empathy for others and lack of remorse about harming others

Unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behavior with no regard for the safety of self or others

Poor or abusive relationships

Failure to consider the negative consequences of behavior or learn from them

Being consistently irresponsible and repeatedly failing to fulfill work or financial obligations

--- source.

Along with developmental issues as a result of being isolated from a young age, Ruvik never received any mental help for his trauma. SOCIAL ISOLATION in children negatively impacts brain development and can damage a persons ability to EVER make proper social connections in the world if not treated properly. ( A good source here that I used to research this. ) In Ruvik's case, studying psychology and the effects of these things has made him AWARE that he's socially lacking. It doesn't fix the problem at hand. He has NO ability to respond appropriately to social requirements, is awkward and stressed when faced with them, and cannot blend into normal society at large.

I choose to diagnose ruvik as an antisocial rather than a narcissistic personality because while he has an inflated sense of self where his mind is concerned -- he is aware that he’s lacking in many other fields.  He does exhibit quite a few of the symptoms of Narcissism though, but I’ve chosen to attribute them to social exclusion and an inability to adapt to isolation:  for instance, ruvik doesn’t value other lives.  

Narcissists often consider themselves more important, and others below them ( with the exception of the people they consider equals to them. ).  Ruvik exhibits this, but I find it more likely that it’s because he hasn’t considered anyone important since the time before his prolonged isolation as a child.  ( this same reasoning is also the reason that he places Laura on such a pedestal:  it’s the only social interaction within memory that wasn’t 

It’s as pointless to shoot at him now as it had been before.  Ruvik barely resists the urge to scowl -- it isn’t detective castellanos, unfortunately.  But any advantage that can be gained should be taken, at this point.  The whole of union will be crumbling soon.  ( Look what these imbeciles have done to his world.  Idiots. ) 

HIS IMAGE FLICKERS, in and out like a GLITCH -- there’s no physical substantiation supporting him.  Nothing outside these wires.  JOSEPH, he recalls the name, doesn’t seem as ... put together as he had been once upon a time -- he must have been in here all along.  Like Ruvik -- subject to Mobius’ hand over Union.   ( Did they experiment on him ?  Does he even have a body left outside this world ?  or was he PULLED APART the way Ruvik was ?  A lesser mind surely couldn’t withstand it. ) 

↳ CHRIS REDFIELD.

AGGRESSION

One part of your character is anger in all its forms: frustration, outrage – and when anger is suppressed – bitterness, grumpiness, and bodily aches. Fundamentally, frustration comes from hope: you get upset because you expect your life will be more than a valley of tears. One way to deny aggression is to direct it inwards, as self-criticism. But you’re at your best when you acknowledge anger, and act it out clearly and in a focused way, with honor.

SENSITIVITY

You have delicate, sensitive perceptions; you can be deeply moved by appearances – the right light in a room, or good food, or the texture of a piece of clothing. Expressive, intelligent language has a powerful hold on you; your mind works better when it is inspired and provoked by vivid imagery. It can be sad to live in a world which is often so ugly and not properly looked after. But you know that things can be otherwise, and you have the ability to appreciate the world at its best.

EXHIBITIONISM

re7 markiplier starters || accepting !