Hey, I’m deaddovenobeta. You can just call me by Noah. I’ve had a few different social media platforms over the past few years, but I don’t think I’ve actually posted… (Socially awkward T-T) I’m pretty antisocial irl, but I want to at least build some support for myself online. The person who shares a singular brain cell with me said I should make a Tumblr account, so here I am!
Pronouns - He/Him
Languages - English (Native), Spanish (A2/B1)
Sexuality- Bisexual, with a gorgeous gf
Gender - Transgender man (closeted irl and not able to transition atm)
Basic Typology - INTP 5w4 sp/sx
Religion - Eclectic pagan and omnitheist
“(…)” means I might have forgotten some information, may edit later
Favorite Artists (…) - (I listen to literally almost whatever depending on my hourly mood, but these are a few of my absolute favorites) Mitski, Måneskin, Panic! At The Disco, Ado, Arctic Monkeys, C418, bôa, Deftones, My Chemical Romance, Vaundy, Paramore, Pierce The Veil, Solya
Likes (…) - Reading (especially classics), baking, drawing, Bungou Stray Dogs, Ao3, fanfiction, winter, autumn, alone time, writing, poetry, creating OCs, kinning concerning characters, collecting pins, watching ghost shows, watching adventure shows, reading queer webtoons (can sometimes tolerate straight ones, but I have higher standards), cuddling with my 3 cats, my dog, being an only child, yapping once I feel safe enough to, being able to sit in comfortable silence once I feel safe enough to, SCP, CreepyPasta, nature, Bungou Stray Dogs, emo eyeliner, playing violin, art, angst fics, hurt/comfort fics, learning, gaining more knowledge and learning more is my main purpose for living and helped me out of suicidality, learning but NOT school, fluffy things, candles, honoring the dead, Bungou Stray Dogs, cryptids, nostalgia, cemeteries, general unexplained phenomenons, I’m a furry without a fursuit (maybe someday T^T), anime, dressing up, I have multiple fashion styles that contradict and contrast with each other, queer representation in media, making weird nicknames for my pets, DND, making Pinterest boards, coffee, tarot cards, doing weird shit at 3AM, music, sleeping, pizza, sushi, spicy food
Dislikes (…) - So a lot of my progress got deleted so I’m too lazy to update this right now, but basically people on DNI list, human touch, foods with weird textures, weird sounds, my trauma responses and their triggers, the summer and its hot weather, sleeping, obnoxious people
DNI (…) - racists, transphobes, bigots, TERFs, homophobes, ableists, support ICE or Trump, MAGA, prolifers (I’m not talking about personal preference, I’m talking about if you force it onto others), zoos, pedos, general creeps
Now that you’ve read both my username and all this, you’ve been warned; Dead dove: do not eat. No beta, we die like Odasaku. If I have misinformation or accidentally say anything actually problematic, private message me and I will do my best to fix it.
(Also, like half of my progress writing this disappeared at some point, the whole thing took hours T^T)
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My teacher I had when I was 10 referring to her sister's kid as her 'nephew who says he's non-binary' when doing a sex ed lesson. Stop teaching kids to hate and please learn their pronouns. Also that teacher was kinda racist now that I think about it.
Had a similar experience, wanted to correct the person so bad but couldn’t in the situation. Sigh. How does the phrase “she uses they/them pronouns” make sense???
When someone gives the advice of “don’t be afraid to disappoint your parents” they don’t just mean taking music theory in college or starting a YouTube channel.
It also means wearing things they might not approve of. Using accommodations that they might not think you need. Not falling for their guilt trips. Eating when you’re hungry, not when it suits them and their idea of your weight or health. Making your own friends instead of seeking the stamp of approval from them.
Of course, some parents are stricter than others, and some use abuse to keep you from expressing yourself. But do what you can, even if it seems small.
Otherwise, when your parents are no longer in the picture, you’ll try to find it somewhere else to get validation. A strict boss, an abusive partner, a selfish friend.
Going against your parent’s wishes is developmentally healthy. Not doing so stunts your independence and self-regulation. You shouldn’t be living to constantly please others, even the people who love you.
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I know we make jokes about the proverbial asexual pervert who has written hundreds of thousands of words of smut on ao3, but also shoutout to the aces who aren’t perverts. to the aces who skip the sex scenes and wince at sex jokes and awkwardly leave the conversation when your friends start talking about sex. your boundaries aren’t childish and fuck anyone who says otherwise.
On Therianthropy, Otherkin, Zoesthesia, and My Perspective on Subjectivity
This post might make your brain hurt, so take your time with it. As someone who was raised in a cult, escaped, and was forced to deconstruct the origins of belief in order to stay sane and retrieve control over my life, this topic is very important to me. Some of the thought experiments I put forth were originally defense mechanisms against others trying to rewrite my own beliefs with theirs. You may or may not agree and I don't necessarily posit that I am "correct" in my analysis; I don't really expect anything one way or the other, but I am curious what will come of it. I want to emphasize now that I do not necessarily think that anyone else needs to adopt this perspective, only that it is useful to me.
Yesterday I met face-to-face with a researcher to discuss the "zoesthesia" term I proposed a few months ago as a potential precursor or stand-in for terms such as therianthropy and otherkin. They brought up a number of good points. It was a delight to hear the insight of someone both educated in psychology and external to the community, and about some of the future studies they're still formulating (I can't discuss that at this time, but they are entirely unrelated to this topic).
It became clear that adoption of this term may be unlikely to aid many of the major social issues plaguing the community both here and abroad. Although it sounds like "synesthesia" - a phenomenon rarely, if ever, targeted by bad actors, zoesthesia may still be a hot topic for those who take offense to the non-conforming simply because of its nature. They did find it interesting that zoesthesia prioritizes experience over identity. Whether zoesthesia is actually adopted, improved upon, or thrown out, I have no preference.
What I proposed during that meeting was a slightly more refined version of the previously proposed definition, which does not necessarily try to include every form of alterhumanity, some forms of which I've learned may be entirely unrelated. After more discussion and thought, I refined the idea further. This is what I arrived upon:
Zoesthesia
Zoesthesia ('zo-esthesia') is the experience of sensations, perceptions, and behaviors subjectively interpreted as belonging to something incongruent to one's own biology. Interpretations and identities arising from these experiences are personal and diverse; zoesthesia can be present without interpretation, especially at early ages, but is often experienced as an embodied identity.
Individuals who experience zoesthesia have a wide spectrum of experiences, often leading to unique endeavors and forms of expression in social, artistic, literary, and professional contexts.
The experience of zoesthesia involves:
Experiences (e.g. sensations, perceptions, memories, behaviors, desires, social cues, states of consciousness, and/or involuntary urges) that are often subjectively interpreted as belonging to something other than one's own biological species,
Experiences that may vary in form and intensity, remain at a stable baseline, or become triggered by internal or external stimuli,
2. And may include any number of the following:
An identity or overarching sensation that embodies these experiences,
An understanding that one still has a human body,
Dysphoria regarding the incongruence between one's physical body and perceived embodied experience,
Dreams or trance-like states that are experienced through the lens of something incongruent to one's biology,
A strengthening or increased frequency of experiences after one becomes conscious of them,
And/or a personal interpretation of these experiences as non-human through psychological or spiritual means.
"Zoesthesia" is derived from "zoe" and "aisthesis" - Greek, literally "life perception" or "animal perception."
So why did I create this?
Obviously, this could technically be considered as a refined definition of therianthropy and/or otherkin. It does not deny the existence of spiritual experience or belief, but doesn't assert that anything we feel (whether interpreted as psychological or spiritual) is objectively "real" or "unreal." This avoids language that reifies belief as fact, since it is impossible to measure how objectively "real" something is in the first place. It also avoids the linguistic ambiguity present when someone says something like "I'm a nonhuman animal," which is typically inferred to be about one's subjective interpretation of reality, but can - from a purely linguistic standpoint, be confused with an assertion of objective reality. That kind of ambiguity has resulted in some individuals claiming that certain identities under the alterhuman umbrella are inherently delusional.
If I'd like you to have a clear picture of why this proposal exists so that we can have constructive discussions, I must assume that you're entirely unfamiliar with my worldview and deconstruct its basis for you. Before we continue, I would like you to consider the following terms and thought experiments and how I use them. I ask that you try to understand my perspective on these ideas. As I've said previously, some of these things are thought experiments informed by my upbringing and experiences. I cannot assert that they are objectively true.
If you would like to skip this, go to the "Current Definitions" section.
1 . Empiricism
In philosophy, empiricism is the view that all knowledge and belief is derived from firsthand experience, e.g. through the senses. This philosophy is the basis for the scientific method and the following thought experiment:
Consider that you may have already taken for granted the belief that a real person wrote this post and not just a collection of subatomic particles resembling a person. I believe it to be a fact that I wrote this because doing so is now within my memory and I believe that my memories were not placed there last Thursday. I might tell you that this is a "fact," but then you have to believe that I am a reasonably trustworthy person and that a "reasonably trustworthy person" is an inherently "real" fixture in your reality.
You also may believe or take for granted that the conversion of the letters you're reading on your device into concepts in your consciousness isn't just zeroes and ones but a complex process derived from quantum mechanics, psychology, or the amorphous idea of "the soul" that none of us can put a definitive finger on.
These beliefs are not empirically verifiable or unverifiable because we cannot physically sense the world on this scale (as far as is generally understood). Even if you use tools to measure the world on that scale, you then have to believe in the accuracy of your tools.
With this in mind, you may need to be wary of what you assert as "truth." The only thing you may truly be able to know without the need for reason is what you are currently feeling and thinking in this ever-present moment. Everything else in your head that you "know" (e.g. your memories) is made up with varying measures of belief. It is entirely possible that the past may not exist. Attempting to make judgements on that information can result in some pretty funky paradoxes, but there are ways to talk about experience without invoking belief. This is why I have structured the refined definition of zoesthesia to emphasize interpretation.
This thought experiment is a robust methodology known as methodological solipsism. If you still don't believe that any of this is valid or useful because you believe in another kind of philosophy, religion, or dogma...can you see where this is going? I cannot emphasize how important it feels to be precise in the language that we use so that we might avoid creating and promoting dogma while just trying to discuss and share our experiences.
Growing up in religion we are often taught that belief is virtue and that you must believe in one way or another. After all, taking the stance of "not believing" something is the belief that something is not. It seems like a circular dilemma on the surface and cults will often try to manipulate that intuition. I've since found that the responsible thing to do is to simply observe the moment and decline to believe in the first place. There are plenty of beliefs you can function without. The state I get into when I'm feeling particularly mental-shifted is a state in which belief and language is largely reduced or implicit, my inner dialogue is non-existent, and if I do think it tends to be in pictures. If one can exist and thrive in such a state, why don't so many of us ever leave that monologue?
2. Spirit
Often thought of as a force, being, consciousness, or presence
For the purpose of sticking to the concept of empiricism and the previous thought experiment, I would suggest that a spirit is no different from any concept that you can interact with in your head that is based in something you have observed externally or internally. It may also include any actual object or being in the external world (some would call beliefs related to this animism or panpsychism).
It is not possible to verify the "being-ness" of any particular object or animal, whether it is conscious or just a bunch of atoms playing the part. Just watch Vsauce deconstruct a chair's existence. You are free to believe that it is more than that, but that will dive us into spirituality, dogma, and paradox. I see "spirit" and "object" as synonymous with "concept."
3. Spirituality
A preoccupation with or capacity for understanding moral, existential, or metaphysical questions without the dictation of dogma.
Whatever you've experienced through your senses is something that you have come to know, and in that sense "spiritual experience" is just another way to describe firsthand experience that falls perfectly under the umbrella of empiricism. If you have the firsthand experience of going into trance and entering [what you believe to be] the astral plane, that is still received through your senses and is a part of your conscious experience. Even your mind's eye could be considered a kind of sensation. Your experiences, no matter how you see or discuss them, are inherently valid because you experienced them.
"Valid" in this context simply means that you experienced what you experienced and we are giving you the benefit of the doubt because we can't see inside your consciousness. To say something is valid is not necessarily to make the impossible assertion that your interpretation of your experiences is based in "reality." Good researchers try their best to maintain this perspective to respect everyone they study. To claim that someone else's experience is invalid is a just another belief that no one can definitively assert as truth.
4. Dogma
In religion, dogma is typically referred to as a collection of deeply held beliefs often passed down through generations. Those beliefs can seem "spiritual" in that they may have once been based in someone's firsthand experience, but this quickly leads people into a trap.
It can also be thought of as the rules, laws, and rituals you believe in. We create new rules all the time as we gain new experiences. If you're open to new experiences, you may find that it is possible to break whatever rules you've previously prescribed to existence. No law can be empirically verified as universal or eternal except maybe entropy - until even that breaks down at the event horizon of a black hole, which typically breaks our understanding of the laws of physics.
Some rituals may be useful to you, especially if they help promote or maintain your well-being. Practicing something like Tai Chi every day is a ritual that can keep your mind and body healthy. Actually practicing it and believing that it helps you (because you have, in fact, found that it does in your own experience) is entirely empirical. Believing that it will make you super lucky and start seeing synchronicities everywhere would be superstitious. Superstition is often based in dogma too.
You create your own miniature personal dogma every moment you look to the past for guidance. Even firsthand/spiritual experience can transform into a kind of dogma the moment it becomes a variable for calculating future actions. In some cases this is necessary for your survival. It can also become overblown and lead to things like depression and anxiety, especially in the form of trauma and limiting beliefs. Trauma can become a form of dogma, too - if it changes the way you live and behave.
Finally, dogma is often the result of:
5. Heuristic Processing
To put it simply, heuristic processing means that your brain makes judgement calls based on limited information. You flop three dates in a row with potential partners you were interested in and your brain wants to jump to generalizations like "Maybe I'm just an unlovable person, I'm ugly, I'll always be lonely, etc." And then bam, 6 months down the line your life is agony and you've done nothing to actually improve your odds of connecting with somebody, reinforcing your confirmation bias (also what I would consider to be an element of dogma) that you're just not cut out for love. And so the downward spiral goes. It is so tempting to do this - heuristic processing is the primary mode of the brain, after all. Years of reinforcement only makes the resulting neural pathways stronger and harder to move on from. This is especially apparent with addictions like alcoholism, which literally alters the structure of the brain over time.
Everyone is guilty of this. It can useful because analyzing every single point of data would be absolutely debilitating, but it is a double-edged sword I believe you should be aware of. Look for it and you will find it everywhere.
These ideas, and perhaps relativism, are some of the pillars of my worldview and understanding of the thing we call reality. It's not an exhaustive list, but was wholly necessary for me to break things down this way so that I could purge myself of the dogma of the cult I was raised in. I'm not necessarily suggesting that you should subscribe to these ideas, but now you should be able to see where I'm coming from.
Now that these things are defined, I can get to the point!
The Problem
I'd like you to take a look at the following definitions and see if you can spot the problems:
If you don't see it, I'll explain in a moment. In response to the initial zoesthesia discussions, TG also published their own "Definitive Stance" in the forums, which suffers from the same problem. The definition above remains on the main site. This is the new one:
Wikipedia's page on "Therian subculture" (there isn't one for therianthropy itself) primarily focuses on identity, but at least mentions "the broader lived experience of therians":
Therianthropy's Fandom wiki page is much closer to emphasizing the experience, if a little term-heavy and requiring the use of "therian" in the main definition:
Pluralpedia's definition...
There are countless others, but I want to focus on the first two for the moment. Both definitions for therianthropy on TG take for granted the interpretation of one's relevant experiences as "non-human" or "animal." By omission, these definitions can ambiguously be taken to assert that we know for a fact that there are individuals out there who are having non-human animal experiences and aren't just delusional or whatever else. But the interpretation of these experiences as non-human is subjective belief, not an empirically tested fact.
Saying that "therianthropy is the internal experience of being a non-human animal" as TG maintains is the equivalent of creating a "true" statement and then forming a hypothesis that might make it seem true. At that point, you may as well be practicing Biblical numerology or quack science. The problem I have with this is, once again, that subjectivity and objectivity are not crystal clear.
Over years of certain members policing labels and experiences, there remains an ache for feelings of legitimacy in the community. Many feel like if they aren't "committed" enough to their identity, their experiences won't be seen as real and they won't get to be a part of the club. Some such people are coming back after being turned away by sites like TG years ago. I'm not active enough in the community to know what it is generally like now, but I would be concerned if these attitudes remain.
Those who put forth the idea that certain sensations, behaviors, or lack thereof are concrete proof that one is or isn't a particular nonhuman animal engage in something known as reification. According to David K. Naugle's Worldview: The history of a concept, "Reification takes place when natural or social processes are misunderstood or simplified; for example, when human creations are described as 'facts of nature, results of cosmic laws, or manifestations of divine will'." Engaging in this itches at the incredibly human fear of social exclusion, especially in kids just trying to make sense of themselves. Some of these definitions keep the existence of this fallacy hidden by not emphasizing the fact that all of this is based on interpretation to begin with. This isn't an exact science and may never be. As much as one may desire for their experiences and identity to be perceived as legitimate by their peers, there is no empirical way to do this except to say that your experiences are valid because they're yours. Gatekeeping legitimacy encourages members to preen their experiences and limit their interpretations of them to a prescribed box.
This will not lead in a positive direction.
According to Therian Guide, we don't just have "therianthropy." We have suntherian, contherian, non-shifting therian, standard therian, polytherian, cladotherian, shifting, aura shifting, bi-location shifting, phantom shifting, dream shifting, astral shifting, and a whole slew of other terms. Point #1.1 in the definition of zoesthesia eliminates the need for this obtuseness entirely, reducing the need to use seemingly woo-woo terms like aura shifting, astral shifting, bi-location shifting, and more. I don't believe that these extra terms need to be publicized as part of an official definition, but instead as a historic note. Obviously I can't advocate for the outright removal of these terms and microlabels from the community's lexicon (this likely isn't even possible), but this all looks wildly disorganized.
Many of the other definitions on other sites (not all can be pictured here) emphasize either identity or a combination of experience and identity. Every site is different and some are better than others. Several have 5+ terms within the first couple paragraphs. For ease of understanding, I wonder if this may need to be refined.
Something I recently realized was that the younger alterhuman community is the only one I can think of that coins new terms every week to describe their own flavor of experiences. I feel that there must be some deeper commonalities that people are trying to get at. I believe that zoesthesia may alleviate some of those efforts, but I can only use it for myself.
I also believe that potential authority figures such as Therian Guide, as well as general members of the community at large, have a responsibility to avoid the promotion of magical thinking. By not educating people about the fact that the "non-human animal experience" is an interpretation of one's experiences as "non-human" rather than objective truth clearly within the definition of terms like therianthropy, magical thinking is encouraged. Anything and everything can start to become cultish when this responsibility is ignored. I'm not a fan of ambiguity. I bring this to everyone's attention out of concern more than anything. I was raised in a cult, which the new owner of TG herself rescued me from and helped me process. I've seen a lot of dangerous patterns that have left me observing from a distance. It is my hope that the future of the community is a positive and healthy one.
Me, fourteen and making OCs: okay she can’t be a Mary Sue! I can’t make her too cool or everyone will think she’s unbelievable and hate her :((
Me, thirty-two and making OCs: Every person I think is hot in this video game is into this OC and also she gets to be a Special Princess. I’ll commission a propaganda portrait of her as an imperial saint.
Hey writers. I hate to break it to you, but sometimes the thing holding you back from writing isn't some profound piece of advice you have yet to hear. Sometimes the thing holding you back is you. Give yourself freedom to rest when you need it, but if you want to be a writer, you have to write. That means getting rid of the distractions, letting yourself get a little bored, and doing the actual writing.
There is a certain level of discipline required. I'm not saying the goal yourself 500 words a day, but I'm saying that if you want to write, you have to write, and you have to make an effort to write. You may have to carve out time to write and then be disciplined about using that time for writing.
Envy is a slowly burning and constricted heart. It covers its identity with a mirror; the more it seeks to resemble the reflection of others the less it will resemble itself. But even the reflection is broken, inaccurate, and unsatisfactory.
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holy shit he carried you on his back and brought you to the bar where your dead friends are lying and you’re crawling toward them but all you care about is whether dazai will stay by your side ?!!!!
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CW/TW: Just addressing a reblog I deleted, themes of darkshipping, pedos, and SA under the cut. References are not graphic at all (I think?), but just in case people don’t want to keep reading. It’s a short post.
I deleted a reblog I made of someone’s take on darkshipping and its relation to pedos. They were giving their point of view on it as a CSA victim, and I was giving my view as also a victim of SA.
*Talking specifically about minor x adult darkshipping
Summary of my opinion: I have mixed views, but personally do not darkship. I don’t know how to feel about it. I could understand people consuming it as a coping method and putting themselves in the victim position, but adults consuming that media for pure enjoyment is not okay in my opinion. But it’s not the focus of my daily concern who random people on the internet ship or what kind of media they consume. Just don’t hurt anybody in real life. I don’t usually post about darkshipping and I probably won’t more.
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