Today started off rather dim, I had an argument with my boyfriend the night before and I had asked for a break, I didn’t get a remote message of him or anything and I didn’t expect anything and I dealt with it. I got to college and went about my day when I experienced a small flashback to a memory that has scarred me and will never leave my head (I’m not going into it it’s not something I enjoy discussing). This memory made me see something, it showed me in pieces and it showed my boyfriend picking me up, it showed him being there, it showed him caring, it showed me how much he loved me to put himself through that. For a while he had to watch me struggle and for a while he was my crutch.
After this small(let’s call it a realisation) realisation, I understood. I understand that I hadn’t been full filling my duty, I hadn’t been there, I hadn’t been caring. I hadn’t been picking up pieces and putting them back into place for him. I hadn’t been showing him how much I love him.
So I did something, I called my mom and told her I wanted to start doing something about my stress levels and I let her know I was going to book an appointment with a therapist and a college counsellor. My second move was to plan, plan a day (even though we had already discussed it) for the weekend I had planned a small day trip, I even put away money in my bank to pay for food, train tickets for him and me (returns) and spare incase needed.(for people that know me would understand I use money like it’s burning a hole in my pocket even though I have none) the day trip was for where we had talked about “Malvern hills” the hills were beautiful and having been up them before myself I wanted to show him what I saw in the hills. Their raw beauty, how weirdly important that place was to me. Just like how important he was to me. (I also planned another day but those were concert tickets)
My third move was to praise him, give him the praise he deserved. He has his own small brand which is slowly beginning to take off, I never tell him how insanely proud of him I actually am because for a while I thought it might be big headed to say my boyfriend made his own brand blah blah blah. But in that moment I realised he worked hard, he worked so hard to get there, he made a team of people to help him and to advertise. He runs all the social media accounts, he records YouTube videos. He worked so hard on that brand, he put most of his money on it and it beginning to get back from it. Why the hell shouldn’t he be proud of what he’s done and why the hell shouldnt I rub it in people’s faces that my boyfriend is trying to be successful. He’s got more guts than anyone I know to be able to attempt that and actually succeed!
So I did, I praised him, he just didn’t know it. That whole day I told people that he had a clothing brand, I even showed people the page and showed them the top I had. (A photo on my phone) I was proud today, I was so proud of everything he’d achieved.
And my fourth move would be the hardest, I would apologise, I would see if he could forgive me for how much of a (not even bad girlfriend) bad human I had been, I had stopped showing him how much he meant to me.
I wish I had never stopped. I lost him today, he turned around and said he didn’t want me, that he didn’t want the relationship. What makes me cry to think about is he blames himself, he doesn’t pin much if not anything on me, he just takes it. Almost as if it would make me feel better.
So there you have it, the day i realise I need him more than oxygen or life itself i lose him. All I can say now is don’t let people do all the work, a relationship is not one sided. I hate that it took me so long to realise before he realised he didn’t need me like I needed him.
Today has been the best and worst day of my life.
2087
prguitarman
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