sincerely,

can you hear me?

Face buried in my comforter, collecting tears and screams

Hand clutching a rosary, praying for a past that could never be redone

Praying for a future that’ll take too long to come

She asked if I was okay

And a million words rushed to my mouth

Moths to light

But only a sob came out

She touches a bead, and a curl on my head

She always hates to see her only daughter cry

After some minutes of sobbing and breaks to breathe

Six words managed to find each other in the whirlwind in my head

“I wish I never met him”

Which is funny saying that considering I spent 3 years yearning for this man

So many dreams I had

So many fantasies

A couple of months in reality that we got to spend together

Happy for neither of them

And at one point I had cried about possibly losing him

How could I lose him?

I thought we were meant to be?

But now I see we never were

And I gotta take this one up with God

Dear God,

Why did you send me him?

Why would you send me somebody so cruel?

Why would you send me somebody who would treat me with such carelessness?

Why would I have to ask him to act like he liked me?

Why would I have to ask him to act excited to see me?

Why would I have to be ignored and abandoned for the night?

When he was going to cheat on me anyway

Why?

Then suddenly I can’t stop crying

I can’t eat

The thought nauseates me

My hands shake

Absolutely no one does

But I really tried

I tried so hard

I tried to fight past the anxiety and the sadness

I tried to be better

And to regulate myself

I tried to be a better person

I did it scared

I did it brave

I tried so fucking hard

I tried to not let it bother me

But I tried to be conscious of what I say

And I tried to not care

But then I tried to keep you

And I tried to stick to my boundaries

But I tried to make you happy

I tried to be happy

Then I tried to be loved

I tried to be happy

Then I tried to be happy

And I tried

I tried

I tried

And tried

And I tried

And I’m tired

ringlets of dark chocolate

on top of a spongy vanilla cake

with the occasional caramel swirl if you search hard enough

in a way, i see them as a symbol of romance

a blessing from Venus

giving the world another girl

and in return, she gives you a curl from her own

they say when you fall in love

your hair begins to curls

if my curls are any indication of that

i was a hopeless fool from the start

but i look and i twirl

and all i can think is that maybe

God placed a kiss on my forehead

and sent me with all His love

the way your body felt on top of mine

how I wrapped my arms around you, palms pressed against your back

your mouth on mine

you grabbing my hand and putting it on you while stroking the back of my palm

the way you smiled at me when you made your jack and coke

you figuring out the ending before the movie was over

and talking out loud and then saying you always do that with movies

pulling me into you, whether to hold my hand or kiss me

the way you look at me for no reason

This must be the third time now

Or maybe the fifth

You lose track after the first death

I have this strange form of dementia

With a tendency to self harm

In the most painful, addictive form

You call it love

I wish I spent more time

Maybe even one more chance

To sit with the previous me

You were so special and so sweet

i’m still craving you

if anything, it’s stronger

i can’t sleep without dreaming of you

your eyes, your voice

your mouth, your body

i’m a fever reaching the pitch

i’m burning

please put me out

you’re so warm and you lean over me

and your hands are so strong

your back, carved stone

i touch you for a second

and it’s enough to drive me wild

i’m hurting

i’m begging

i’m pathetic

and i’m 10 feet away

and remember why i thought to myself “i could spend the rest of my nights with you”

Every relationship I’ve seen had its secrets

Not just superficial flaws like a snorer or someone walks funny

There was always a third person, physical violence hidden under concealer

Cold shoulders, bastard children, insults masked with a smile to soften the blow

Mornings after a fight were met with my mom making my dad breakfast, setting a plate for him

Just for him to leave it on the table just as she left it

If he cared enough he’d toss it in the microwave, a peaceful rage

He’d replace her with me, younger version of the woman he tolerated

All pleads of company, food, all directed toward me

You fucking fat man-child

I’d spit on your face every single lifetime I encountered you

She’d replace him with me, similar genetic makeup with a backbone

The shoulder to cry on, the support to get through hard days

You pathetic wanna-be victim

Maybe I could’ve been better if you had been stronger

Well now, maybe that’s harsh

But the longer I keep it within

The more it tears me to shreds until I’m nothing but despair

From navel to sternum, I am an open sore with a beating heart

And how can I ever expect to find love when love to me has always looked like the most subtle form of violence my world has known