Chinintya

Sometimes I don't understand what I want in life. Now I'm feeling numb (?) or maybe anxious? Honestly, I don't know what I'm feeling. Tomorrow, for the fifth time, I'm going to conduct training. No, I'm not the facilitator or someone important in training. I'm in charge of one group, five-member, not much. It's not a big deal either, because this is not my first time.

I hate working in an environment that requires me to be alert all day, all the time, every second of every day :'( It's seriously draining my energy. I'm an extrovert, but my energy drained because of one-day training. Can you imagine how hard it is for my dearest introverted friends?

Let me tell you how hard it is. I have to sit straight, smile, fake laugh sometimes, show that I'm excited, and I MUST TURN ON MY ZOOM CAMERA ALL THE TIME. Seriously, all the time. My back hurt, my eyes tired, sweaty. God, I hate my AC.

I sound like an ungrateful bitj.

But at the same time, I'm excited because training means MONEY. Who doesn't need money? EVERYBODY LOVES MONEY.

So it's a little bit anxious there, happy, but also tired.

I'm secretly in a relationship with someone who has a beautiful soul. Today, we are celebrating our third anniversary. We are not the kind of person who likes to share our love story. We are exclusive. If you looked at my Instagram story closely, you might know who my baby is.

Long story short, I believe in God in a different way, not the way my parents told me to. The same goes for my niece. We talked a lot about our religion. I can say we find our peace. We love God the way we want. I was a Muslim, and I want to be a Catholic. My niece was a Catholic, and she wants to be a Muslim.

She wants to change her religion officially, but it's not easy to get her parent's permission. In another way, I don't care what my parents think. Because this is my faith, not theirs. So fun sharing our perspectives about religion and God. I respect her for what she believes, and I hope she can respect mine.

But..

It happened 30 minutes ago. I can feel that my niece doesn't respect my choice. Honestly, it shocked me. "Did you forget?" "Seriously dude, don't be like that" was my reply to her messages. Ya, I'm being sensitive right now. She knows my religion, and if her messages were joking, oh God, that's not funny at all. I know you're not going to read this writing, but I'm deeply disappointed in what you did to me.

Recently, I met a lot of my friends. Some of them ask me to sit around and sip our coffee, some of them ask me to go out, so I can hear their stories. I'm not going to tell you what their problem is, but I want to give you some perspective.

Trust me, our concerns have a lot in common. Uncertainty, love life, money, family issues, feeling not good enough, left behind, or whatever in your head now. We are in shock that life is so hard. Finding a suitable job is not easy. Have good colleagues is just a dream. Follow our passion, turns out, nothing more than a bad decision ever. Working in a company with a promising salary makes you depressed. The world is uncertain, and now we are trying our best to adjust ourselves to become real adults.

I have two types of toxic relationships, with my best friend and my mother. I declare our relationship as hate and love emotions. I can say that my bad relationship with my mother is the result of miscommunication and childhood trauma. It's too deep, and I don't know how to describe our connection. I love her, and I hate her at the same time. We can't meet our needs. We always demand each other to change the way we want. We are two different people. She always hurt me with her words, and I hurt her with my defense mechanism.

Move on to my best friend before I exaggerating my personal life too deep, lol.

'Hidden figures' teach me how hard it is to be a woman, especially if you have another minority on your identity. 'Hidden figures' is a movie based on a true story. This film tells about three black women mathematicians who work for NASA. They're geniuses.

Back in the 1950s, everything in America was differentiated by skin color. In the movie, you can see they had put a 'colored' label for every public facility. NASA also divided buildings based on skin color.

Let's talk about mental health.

These days people are starting to care about mental health. There's a lot of events that discuss how important mental health is. I write this because I just watched Elisa Lam's cases. I know the case for quite a long and Netflix made it more clear about what happened to Elisa Lam.

If you don't know about Elisa Lam's case, in short, Elisa's body was found in the water tank located on the top of Cecil Hotel, Los Angeles. Her death was so bizarre. Has she killed herself or someone killed her? People believe that she was murdered. But I believe that her death was related to her mental health issues. The official report states that Elisa's death was accidental. She had bipolar disorder.

One interesting thing about Elisa Lam is she loves to write her thoughts. Please read her writings on her personal Tumblr and blogger. You can see how aware she's about her mental issues. Talking about how hard it is being depressed. She's also talked about what to do if someone you love has mental problems.

I think you have an important role if someone around you has mental problems. I know that's not your responsibility, but as a human being, of course, you want to make sure that they're ok, right?

Look, it's not easy to always be there for someone, especially when they have special needs like mental health issues. They tend to push you away, say that they don't need you, and sometimes their words hurt your feelings. But please, don't stop. They need you.

Arizona: You're giving me things I didn't ask for, Callie.

Callie: That is not true! All I've done is everything that you've asked me to do. You asked me not to leave you after the plane crash. I didn't. You wanted me to stay after you cheated on me. I did. Then you wanted a house. We got it. I do everything for you, Arizona, because I love you.

Arizona: I love you too!

Callie: Well, and now we're here. And I want something, and you can't give it to me. You won't give it to me.

Arizona: I never said that I didn't want a baby! The whole reason that we're here is because of you and what you want. I am trying to give what you want, but you make it so hard.

Callie: Why can't you commit to anything?