i made this blog because i felt like shit, but now my brain has warped that into meaning this blog caused all my pain and its existance is what is cursing my soul to feel like this. dumbass

i want to fall asleep but i cant stop crying long enough to fall asleep. i cant shut my brain off. if i think normal (bad) things i start to panic, if i force happy thoughts i start to cry again. i wish i was normal. how does anyone just exist? do other people ever feel this way? its not fair. please how do i get over this

feeling..not quite nostalgic, but I miss things from the past, and i regret not getting more time with them. family, home, lifestyle, even just where i was when i was doing nothing and even if im still doing nothing it is in a different location now and i miss my old one. idk. it feels like forever and yet not even that long. how much is 2 years? or 8 years, or 20? i just want to cry. idk what im even talking about. i remember smells and i miss them. i want to see family more but im too scared to overwrite the memories i already have from long ago. i cant stop crying. i usually only feel like this after waking up too early and I didnt get enough sleep, but this has lasted like a week now and I worry that im relapsing. im in mourning but i cant even figure out what i lost or when i lost it I just know i can never have it again. i dont know if that even makes sense, im not trying to be poetic about it. i cant stop crying

as a man i developed an ed because it was the only thing i could control in my life as a teen, i had very chaotic middleschool and highschool years. a lot of my own inspo was driven purely by self hatred, since the majority of any inspo was photos of tiny women. i kept up with vitamins the best i could but it still stunted my growth. but as an adult i do miss the self discipline i had. im completely worthless at getting exercise and working out, strving is easier 😔

ive always been jealous of people who can eat candy and chocolates and sweets and still hit their goals just from the lowcals, but any that i tried with seemed to just make me bigger, like the cals didnt even matter and just looking at the sugar would add on the pounds.

i used to be able to go 3 days on just ~500 cals, now it feels like im literally dying if i go longer than 12 hours :( im not in as bad of a mental state as I was all those years ago but i feel that recovery/being in my 20s completely ruined the stamina for hunger/sleep loss i had in my teens. i dont miss the sleep loss, and i was very anemic in that era of my life. but it is so hard to restrict even in a "normal" way without keeling over.