The North Remembers

He is the reason why.

When I can’t sleep, I wonder, “If you had known me back then, would there have been a chance of you falling for me or would I have just been pathetic to you?” Because, I swear, I can be something more. I am more than an insecure and shy girl.

We all talk about what we deserve like it’s this concrete thing. If I could live the rest of my life without ever hearing, “We accept the love we think we deserve,” it wouldn’t be soon enough. Not that I fully disagree. But it starts to get tiring, this idea of deserving. Who am I to say what anyone else deserves? Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. But what I do know is love shouldn’t make you question yourself. And you deserve to know that. You deserve a chance to find that out. A love that’s secure doesn’t mean it’s boring. Everyone is obsessed with spontaneity (because it’s great, sure), but being comfortable with someone is just as powerful. I’d take knowing someone is going to be there, that they’re going to continuously show up, over wild adventure any day. Sometimes, we love people who make us insecure. We’re hungry for their validation and we’ll put our own needs on hold. We never fully settle in because, down deep, we know love should be easier than this. When it’s right, you won’t be swimming in doubts. You won’t be consumed with what-ifs when you try to fall asleep at night. You won’t worry about expiration dates or if you should plan trips together. Everything won’t feel so unclear. You owe it to yourself to have the kind of love that sticks around. Something mutual, something that feels safe and taken care of. The kind of feeling that only increases with strength the longer you’re together. Find a love that makes you a better person. Someone who encourages you to grow, but also loves who you are right now. You deserve a love that won’t keep you up worrying. You deserve a love that feels like home. A love that is certain. A love that makes sense.

They don’t know. They don’t know that I’ve waited my entire life to meet you. That I’ve wondered what you were like. That I’ve dreamt about who we would be together. They don’t know that now that you’re here, I’m becoming a person I never knew I could be. They don’t know. Or maybe they do. But if they did they wouldn’t tell us not too. To not love you simply because they’re afraid I’ll get hurt. Or that I’ll hurt you. Or that we’ll self-destruct together. They don’t want us to get so lost in each other that we won’t be able to find our way back. And they’re just as worried as I am that we’re only temporary. That this is only temporary. They don’t know about the conversations we have that make us see a future together. If they did, they’d never question our intentions. They would let us be and let us figure out what we’re doing as partners rather than strangers. They would let us grow together, and individually, because this love is something that’s made for both of us. Not anyone else. What I do know is this; we’re supposed to be here. We’re supposed to be right here, right now doing this. Doing this thing together. And you need the inspiration that I can provide just like I need the relaxation that comes just from being around you. I know that we’re meant to tell each other our secrets late at night and encourage each other to follow our dreams. That while we’re both completely lost right now, we’re also found because we found this and we’re doing this. Together. They don’t know about the doubt. The doubt that we’re both feeling because it feels too right. It does feel too right doesn’t it? Like sometimes when it’s just the two of us and we’re talking about nothing, everything in the universe is aligned. But they do know about our struggles. They do know how we’ve managed to fall so fast so quick that we’ve almost skipped the initial phase of just getting to know each other. We’ve gotten so deep, so fast that they’re scared it’ll fizzle out. And what if it does? What if we wake up one day and realize that we did everything in fast forward and it’s too hard to go back now? Back to when things were just us and just this. They also know how much I can’t figure out how to believe that I’m enough for you. That I’m worried that when I see that distant look in your eye, that you’re thinking about what you’re missing out on. And it’s not anything you’ve done because you’ve been nothing but there, but just my own insecurities reminding me how every time before you and every time I felt this before, it was ended in my heart break. But they don’t know you. They don’t know how amazing you are in your own right. They don’t know that all I can think about is you. That everything that you represent for me is hope. That you came at a time when I needed you the most. That you taught me and are still teaching me patience. You’re teaching me that I should always keep the faith. Faith that no matter what, this is going to work out the way it should. That’s between you and me. Our secret. Our secret to keep and whisper to each other. What’s between you and me is so much better than what everyone else thinks they know. Because it is all speculation on their part. That they know better than us. That they see the end. Even if they’re right and this ends with us both in complete and utter pain, we know that we had to do this. We had to give us a chance. Because us was better than you or I alone. They don’t know about our love but we do. And that’s enough for us.

Those eyes, your beautiful and endearing eyes, thank you for loving me with them. Thank you for choosing me for I promise to choose you every day.

– View on Path.

Cafe Mary Grace | #vsco #vscophilippines