dayswithsmellycat

I have been crying for the past weeks every night. Tonight it was different. I feel so numb. I can feel the heaviness in my heart but I can’t cry. I wanted to. Nothing is coming out.

Days ago, my ex messaged me. I thought maybe he’s trying to get a closure. I broke with him 2 months ago. I didn’t want to but I had to. At first I thought yeah maybe I should reply to him. I’ve been thinking about him and maybe I needed that conversation. I felt kinda relieved after that night. The next day he messaged me again. It was long. It was unexpected. I had no words for it at first, but I guess I bursted. I don’t know what to feel. I wanted to empathize with him but I felt a little bit manipulated. He projected his frustrations with me. Was he really trying to get a closure? Or was he trying to put the blame on me?

I don’t know the reason behind it. We just ended our conversation earlier. I kinda regretted my last message to him. Maybe I was too straight forward but I don’t know anymore.

I wanted to be with him but things are fucked up. I don’t really feel that he sees my worth. I’m not expecting for anything big, I just wanted reassurance.

Been crying because of him the past weeks and months but tonight it was different. I don’t feel anything. It just feels heavier. I feel numb. I can’t even cry. I wish I can just cry it out.

I hope I sleep early tonight. Tomorrow is another day.

I’m tired.

Talk to you soon? Yeah, yeah.

-smelly cat

welcome! hello there! 

well, how do i start this? this is my first blog entry for this site. i have attempted to do this thing for a couple of times already. spoiler alert: it didn’t work out. why? idk, maybe i wasn’t really paying attention too much to it. maybe i wasn’t ready. or maybe i wasn’t just into it.

but who cares? i’ll try again. hopefully i won’t forget my username and password here. cos i can’t even remember where i made the blogs before and what my username was.

anyway! onto this new chapter!

right now, i’m just sitting right in front of my laptop writing this. listening to karaoke version of paramore’s the only exception. i connected my earphones and opened garage band just trying to sing. it has been a hobby of mine. to record or just simply sing and listen to myself (with a lot of reverb of course) LMAO

anyways, it’s a holiday tomorrow so i am rewarding myself tonight. i am treating myself. actually this attempt was super impulsive although ive been meaning to write again. but im pretty glad im still continuing to type.

going back to the song im listening, this is one of my paramore favorites. well not super but ok. the lyrics is pretty much too dramatic and cheesy at the same time but i thought of someone. someone who lives in the past and future. 

well let me tell you about someone in the past first. i can still remember the day i sang this to my nephew’s birthday in 2011? i believe? yeah, i think it was in 2011. i sang this song cos i was a paramore fan and i loved this song ever since. that day, i met a man. hahahahahaahh cringey. cut the long story short, that man happened to be my first love. we were together for almost three years but we broke up in 2014. it was a pretty cool ride. i am happy for him now. i will never forget about him. 

fast forward!! 2021, today as i write this and still listen to the same song. i am reminded of how beautiful love is. fuck i was suddenly speechless. well, yeah. love is pretty much hurtful but it is beautiful the way it is. the song makes me hope and learn to trust to love again even thought i’ve been hurt many times by people who didn’t love me enough. but i know somewhere, someday, there will be this one person who will make everything worth it. the person who will make me believe in true love. someone who will be the only exception.

somewhere, someday. i can’t wait for that day to happen. but also!! i don’t care about waiting as long as it is worth it. i know it will be worth it.

there’s a line in the song that goes “i’m on my way to believing.”

hopefully that day will come.

looking forward to a happy long weekend!

let’s hangout again soon? yeah? yeah.