nothing new.

you’re jealous, aren’t you?  dain knew he should’ve just walked away before anyone saw him. he had been watching flame section sparring together ahead of the next round of challenges at bodhi’s request. a handful of cadets from first squad were struggling, and nothing seemed to be getting through to them. dain knew that, despite the mending bridges, he was far from the top of bodhi’s list of people to go to for advice on this, so he took the request seriously. sneaking into the training long after it started, when no one noticed. the plan was to sit there for five minutes, observe, then disappear before anyone noticed.  that plan went to shit as soon as his eyes drifted away from the mat. brown eyes locked on sloane immediately the annoying way they have been since she crossed the parapet. it had been nearly two weeks since she was walking out of his bedroom saying that it was the only time that would happen. and here she was, leaning against the wall while a cadet from first squad was leaning so close to her that if they were alone they’d probably be kissing, making her laugh. he was jealous. and that jealousy led him to challenge the cadet. maybe if you spent less time flirting and more time training, he had said as he took his position on the mat ahead of him, your section leader wouldn’t be worried about you making it out of challenges alive.  dain hadn’t stayed long enough to see the fallout, just pulled the cadet — maybe his name was marshall — off the mat and walked out. it didn’t take long for familiar footsteps to follow him into the courtyard. dain didn’t stop even as sloane was demanding an explanation, not until they were in the staircase toward the dorms, and then suddenly there was that word. jealous. he wanted to say no. it would’ve been so easy to say no. but he had been told his entire life that he was a shit liar. so he turned to face the first year and, like a coward, completely avoided the question.  “what do you want me to say, sloane?” his voice, barely above a whisper, echoed against the stones around them as he pulled the blonde into a shadowy landing. “that i regret saying all that? because i don’t. fuck i’ll go back and say it all again.” crossing his arms over his chest, he straightened to his full height. “and honestly, he’s not good enough for him to be hovering that close to you.”

that had only gotten worse when the tension between them had boiled over in a flurry of messy kisses and clothes strewn across his bedroom floor. this is a one time thing, she'd told him. just to get it out of their systems. and then once had turned into twice had turned into half a dozen times over the last few weeks and sloane remains firm in her stance that every time is the last time — even if she knows better, deep down.

maybe that's why she's so annoyed at dain's outright jealousy. she has been there herself, jealous of the way he softens with violet sorrengail or the way other cadet's eyes linger on his form during battle brief. it's a feeling she has no right to feel because nothing will ever happen between them — so yeah, maybe she is projecting a little as she stomps after him, irritation blazing beneath her palms.

"so you decided to be an asshole?" the words fire back at him quickly, a brow raised in challenge. "since when is that how you operate?" liam had talked about dain in his letters — said he was a stickler for the rules and could have a stick up his ass, but he was a fair leader when it came down to it. "nothing was even happening between us — nothing was going to happen. so why do you care?"

CHILDHOOD BEST FRIENDS

we were only kids back then. we didn't know any better.

you promised me we'd be friends forever.

you've changed quite a bit since i saw you last.

how are your parents doing? will you tell them i said hi?

i've known you for years, and you haven't changed a bit.

you've always been like this.

remember the last time this happened?

sure, i made a lot of mistakes, but so did you.

do you remember how we met?

you always stood up for me, no matter what.

i've always had a lot of love in my heart for you.

when i was struggling, you were always there for me.

I TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY

i thought i told you to stay away.

you've got a lot of nerve, showing your face around here again.

i really don't want to see you again.

you're supposed to call and warn me before you show up here.

there's never going to be a "next time."

this is the last time you show up like this.

last time i said i never wanted to see you again, and yet here you are.

you can't just show up here unannounced.

you remember what happened the last time you showed up.

every time you show up here, shit hits the fan.

you're putting us all in danger by showing up here.

don't you have somewhere else to be?

ROMANTIC FEELINGS

i'm sorry, but i can't stop thinking about you.

after the time we spent together, you've been on my mind.

can we discuss what happened between us?

the last time i saw you, you were going to say something... and then you stopped.

did you mean it? any of it?

i wish we were still together.

would you go on another date with me?

it's hard to deny how you make me feel.

you've always had an effect on me.

i can't stop thinking about the way you look at me.

GENERIC "I'VE KNOWN YOU FOR A WHILE"

do you remember what you told me?

i can't believe this is happening to us again.

the last time this happened, we were better prepared.

i tried calling you a hundred times, but you never answered.

this was never supposed to end like this.

didn't you see my text?

i know you better than anyone else.

you can't lie to me. i can tell when you're lying.

you're making "the face" again.

Stiles stopped pacing as Lydia finally spoke. It was always the strawberry blonde that could manage to reel in his constantly racing thoughts, his constantly fidgeting limbs. Hearing the story, hearing all the pain that the premonition of his death caused Lydia, melted the last bits of anger that were hanging onto his heart by a thread. She’s been putting herself through hell, trying to keep him safe. And what has he been doing? Making it harder by not signing the documents that she kept sending. “Hey.” Stiles said finally. Crossing until his scuffed up sneakers were practically on top of the boots on Lydia’s feet. A shaking finger hooked under her chin as Stiles finally let himself look right into the eyes he fell in love with when he was in middle school. “Look I get it. That shit’s terrifying. But why didn’t you tell me? Lydia we’ve always figured this stuff out together. We could’ve found a better way than this…Lyd I’ve been miserable and I know you have been too.” 

There was a part of him that only showed it’s face when he was halfway through a bottle of whiskey in his kitchen in the dark, that told him that Lydia finally came to her senses and left him because she knew that he wasn’t worth the effort. But knowing the truth made him feel worse. “Come home,” He said, voice quiet. Pleading. “We can find a way to keep the premonition from happening…you’ve said before that your visions don’t always come true.”

death happens to the people around you. stiles had told her that years ago, when she had been young and so stupidly infatuated with jackson that she was ready to put her life on the line for him. she hadn't understood what he meant at the time, but she thinks maybe she does now. because death happens to lydia all the time. it clings to her, riding around on her back and leaving dirty fingerprints all over her body. itsteals her nights, and sometimes her days, from her. leaving little clues in missing time until finally everything clicks into place and claws it’s way through her throat. and even after everything, it stays with her, an ache rooted deep in her chest that she still feels even on her happiest days. allison, aiden — she can still feel it. her throat raw and her chest aching. she knows it would kill her to lose him too.

her eyes are wet when she opens them, brows furrowing. "what if we can't stop it?" she's torn between wanting to jump back into a life with stiles and the paralyzing fear of losing him. "if anything happens to you..." she trails off, heart beating hard in her chest. "i would never be able to come back from it."

“You still care about me but you don’t want to be married to me anymore.” He said, the anger deflating from his tone, quickly being replaced with defeat. “Can you see how that makes no fucking sense, Lydia?” Shaking hands clung to dark strands of hair as he tried to make sense of the puzzle that was coming out of his wife’s — could he still call her that? — mouth. It’s better. Safer. She was saying. But that made no sense. “What are you trying to protect me from?” He asked. Dark eyes wide with confusion as he tried to sort through thoughts in his head. “Lydia, what’s going on? Did you like…did you see something?”

She feels her heart sink further into her stomach, cracking more with each second and she finds herself, again, torn between what to say. Whether she should just keep pushing him away, let him believe that she doesn't want him anymore and maybe he'll finally let her go and give himself a chance. Or if she's just too tired of feeling like this and fighting this losing battle and finally wants to just get it all out in the open. She opens her mouth and closes it again, pressing her lips into a tight line. A surge of guilt rushes through her, one that she has become extremely familiar with over the past months — but it's worse now. Because it feels extremely unfair that now, after everything, Jackson knows the truth and Stiles doesn't.

Despite her best efforts, she fidgets. Fingers twisting around each other and her nails scraping against her palms. "It started last year." Her throat feels tight, eyes focusing on one of the freckles that decorate Stiles' cheek because she's still too much of a coward to look him in the eyes right now. "I thought it was just a dream at first until it kept happening. We're driving somewhere late at night and — I don't know where or what happens. But I wake up and there's broken glass and smoke everywhere and you're in the middle of the road — thrown from the car. It takes forever to get to you and by the time I do..." She'd thought it was a nightmare at first and even after she'd had the dream again a few months later, she had been able to write it off as a coincidence. But when it happened more and more frequently she'd known. "I woke up with pieces of glass in my hands the morning I left. My hair smelled like gasoline. That was when I really knew. I thought if I left I could stop it from happening."

❛  are you always so competitive?  ❜ ❛  are you okay? are you hurt?  ❜ ❛  are you sure you can do this on your own?  ❜ ❛  are you thinking what i'm thinking?  ❜ ❛  can you go take care of this, please?  ❜ ❛  can you show me how to fight?  ❜ ❛  can you tell me more about your adventures?  ❜ ❛  do you believe in ghosts?  ❜ ❛  do you ever think about anyone other than yourself?  ❜ ❛  does it really have to be like this?  ❜ ❛  don't you think you've already done enough damage for one day?  ❜ ❛  has no one ever given you a compliment before?  ❜ ❛  have i ever told you how beautiful you look in the glow of the moonlight?  ❜ ❛  have you noticed anything different about me lately?  ❜ ❛  haven't you ever wondered why i never talk about my childhood?  ❜ ❛  how can you just go to sleep like nothing happened?  ❜ ❛  how many more people have to suffer before you realize your madness?  ❜ ❛  is there anything else i can do for you?  ❜ ❛  is this really how you want this to end?  ❜ ❛  isn't it ironic?  ❜ ❛  what are your plans for today?  ❜ ❛  what else do you want me to say?  ❜ ❛  what else have you hidden from me?  ❜ ❛  what happened here? where is all that smoke coming from?  ❜ ❛  what has happened in your life that made you like this?  ❜ ❛  when were you going to tell me?  ❜ ❛  where are we supposed to go from here?  ❜ ❛  who will be able to stop them now?  ❜ ❛  why can't you just act like a normal person?  ❜ ❛  why can't you just leave me alone?  ❜ ❛  why can't you just stay focused?  ❜ ❛  why does everything always have to be so complicated?  ❜ ❛  why should i believe you now when you've told nothing but lies?  ❜ ❛  why won't you just tell me what i did wrong?  ❜ ❛  will it ever stop hurting so much?  ❜ ❛  will you go out on a date with me?  ❜ ❛  will you just shut up and kiss me already?  ❜ ❛  will you please text me when you get home safely?  ❜ ❛  you're completely out of your element here, aren't you?  ❜

LYDIA MARTIN And I’ve got a lot to pine about. I’ve got a lot to live without.

So he didn’t do anything but nod at her words. “She has…and she does. Scott’s already got a million plans. And I know you have to be excited,” He mumbled, dark eyes softening just a little bit. He was there with Lydia in the aftermath of her best friend’s funeral. Had stood between Scott and Lydia while they all said their final goodbyes - a pillar of support they both desperately needed. This had to be a lot for Lydia, but he knew that she would - in all her stubbornness - be the head of that support system Allison would need. “Things will be alright.” A promise that he wished he believed. 

“Oh so this is a bad time?” The cutting tone of his voice betrayed how absolutely not nonchalant he was feeling, no matter how casual Stiles tried to look. “Sorry I figured you’d want to spring it on me again.” Setting his mug down and crossing his arms, his body acted on it’s own accord. One. Two. Three. Three steps and he was across the room, almost toe to toe with Lydia as she told him that being apart was for the better. “No.” He said simply. “Because you fucking know what, Lydia. You’re not telling me everything. I know you’re not.” Adrenaline and too much caffeine pushed him forward. “I don’t really care if you fell out of love with me or not Lydia. I want you to fucking talk to me. I think I deserve that.”

but the sharpness to his tone isn't unwarranted. lydia knows she had blindsided him and that had been the plan all along. she knows stiles like the back of her hand, if she had told him why she was leaving, he wouldn't have let her go. he would have talked her off the edge and she would've stayed and then one day, whether tomorrow or a year from now, he would die. and she can't take that chance. she hadn't been expecting him to let her go easily, but she hadn't been expecting him to fight it this hard either. this couldn't go on forever, could it? still, she flinches a little when he raises his voice before steeling herself. "it's not about that." lydia knows that's the wrong thing to say — she should tell him he's right. she doesn't love him anymore and he needs to let go so they can both move on. it would be safer for him that way. but she's already hurt him so much, she can't bring herself to say it. "i still care about you — that's why it has to be this way. it's better. safer." manicured fingers tug through strawberry blonde locks before she shakes her head. "you just have to trust me on this."

of course, she had known she wouldn’t be able to avoid him now. with allison back, lydia has no intentions of leaving beacon hills any time soon and she knew, despite any lingering hope that she could avoid this, stiles would be here soon enough. he wouldnƒ’t leave scott hanging, especially not now. so she’s not surprised in the slightest when he arrives, though she feels her chest tighten so painfully that she has to remind herself to breathe. she’d thought about leaving — getting a motel room and giving stiles some space, going across town and getting some much needed sleep. it would be easier, right? but she can’t help herself when she finds him in the kitchen, pulled to him like a magnet even though she knows she shouldn’t. all it’s going to do is cause them both more pain — unless he’s suddenly ready to accept her ultimatum. and then he can finally start to move on.

not like lydia, of course. she’d long since accepted that there is no moving on from this. she’s not going to meet anyone else and she’s okay with that. she isn’t leaving stiles because she doesn’t love him — she’s leaving him because she loves him. for his own good. there’s no coming back from the kind of love that she has for him. she knows nothing else would ever even come close. she doesn’t even realize she’s spoken until stiles is responding. her teeth sink into the inside of her cheek, arms crossing over her middle protectively and she hums. “you’re drinking melissa’s coffee in the middle of the night — if i squint, you’re fifteen again.” she regrets it as soon as she says it though because lydia knows the last thing she should be doing is taking any sort of walk down memory lane right now. she nods, one hand moving to tuck strawberry strands behind her ear. “as okay as it can be, given everything that has happened. i think allison is still in shock.” 

There was a bit of truth in the fact that standing here, in Melissa’s kitchen, pouring himself what would be his fifth consecutive coffee since he got the call from Scott, he felt like he was fifteen all over again. Down to the woman in the doorway and how he felt about her. And how it felt like it was one sided all over again. But that’s not what you’re here for, the logical part of his brain reminded. You’re here for Scott. To help get Allison back. So he’d have to shove his personal shit to the side as much as he could. Brown eyes finally lifted from the half cold mug of caffeine that wouldn’t even work on him anymore, and he was hit in the chest with the memories of their last few moments together. 

This would be harder than he thought. All he wanted to do was set the stupid mug in his hand down and go over to hug her. To tell Lydia that they’d figure this out together like they always did. But the mug stayed in his hand, anchoring him to this room. To this conversation. Stiles couldn’t go over there and hold his wife because she didn’t want to be his wife anymore. Snorting quietly, Stiles took a sip of the coffee, pulling a face at how cold and bitter it was. “Thta’s fair. I think the both of us understand the whole coming back to life thing.” Stiles wasn’t sure if he was ever actually dead in that time where he wasn’t in charge of his own body, but it felt like it. “Feels weird. Plus she’s been gone for awhile.” 

Idly, he wondered if he could put off the conversation longer. Maybe wait until the sky was painted with streaks of yellow, or when others were awake so they could be distracted by something else. But as Lydia stood there, making comments about how he hasn’t changed, he wanted to challenge her. To force her to face the same pain he’s been dealing with for six months. So as he turned away to pour more grounds into the coffee machine, he got the strength to say it. Facing away from her, he knew she couldn’t see the pain screwing up his face. “I haven’t signed them. If that’s what you’re in here to ask about.”

somehow being in the same room as stiles feels both right and wrong. she’s on edge being around him now, divorce papers casting a dark shadow over them and making her anxious — but at the same time, in a way she can’t really explain, she feels better too. like there’s a part of her — the part that’s been telling her how stupid she is for the last six months — can breathe easier just being around him. and as cliche as it is, she feels a little bit more whole with him there. which is a shame because despite all of that, lydia knows that they can’t be together anymore. not when she sees his lifeless body every time she closes her eyes. not when she knows how his story ends if he stays with her. and as much as it will kill her, she would rather lose him like this and know he’s alive than keep him the way she used to have him and lose him in a much bigger way. 

her fingernails dig into her forearm, leaving little crescent marks behind as lydia fights against her natural urge to reach out for him. she nods. “she’s been gone a long time. longer than anyone else.” pink lips turn down in a frown, brows tugging together and lydia glances over her shoulder to the empty hallway, as if to check on allison though she can’t see her from here. “and a lot has changed. she’s going to need a good support system while she gets used to it all.” but there’s no doubt that allison will have that. they’re all here now, aren’t they? lydia can’t see any of them going anywhere any time soon. she’d already taken a leave from work, citing a family emergency and letting her team know she could be reached by e-mail in the case of an emergency but otherwise to give her some time. 

a humorless laugh leaves her, a dry huff and lydia rolls her eyes a little — though less so at stiles himself and rather just at the situation they’ve found themselves in. she thinks about what her sixteen year old self would say if she could see all of this — whether she’d be more shocked to be married to stiles in the first place, or the divorce. stiles hadn’t been on her romantic radar back then, the redhead having been too caught up in giving the best parts of her to all the wrong men when the right one had been standing right in front of her since the fifth grade. it makes her chest tight now, an ache for all of the time they could’ve had together, had she not been so stupid. “i wasn’t going to ask.” she answers, though even she isn’t sure how honest she’s being. “i didn’t seem appropriate, given the circumstances.” this is supposed to be about allison, not them, right? but for lydia everything always comes back to him anyways. “but since you brought it up... just sign them. please.” her throat feels tight, her mouth having gone dry. “it’s for the better.” 

❛ you haven’t changed a bit.  ❜ — exes to lovers sentence starters.

Out of everything he heard that night, that was what made him freeze. Stiles had been halfway through pouring himself a third cup of coffee, the clock on the machine was blinking the lateness of the hour at him, when she spoke, and he took his time turning to face Lydia. The beautiful strawberry blonde that had his heart since they were teenagers. The one that served him divorce papers. He hadn’t seen her since she dropped them on their kitchen table and walked out of their home on the other side of the country from where they stood now, and honestly he shouldn’t have been surprised. Lydia’s best friend was suddenly back from the dead, why wouldn’t she be here? Still. He’d curse Scott out for not giving him a proper warning later. For now he leaned his back against Melissa’s kitchen counter and finally made eye contact with the woman he was still married to. On the outside she didn’t look too different from that night, but Stiles had spent so long studying Lydia Martin, that he could spot the slight changes in her stature, in her demeanor, in a second. She was feeling the way he was, which is why he knew her comment was a lie. You haven’t changed a bit. He wanted to laugh.  Of course he’s changed. Every morning he had to pull himself out of bed and hold himself up, keeping the warring thoughts to himself. He had to go through the motions and most of the time he was too tired to keep going. And then he got the call. Allison’s back. I can’t explain. But I need you here to help. Stiles hadn’t asked questions, just booked a flight. And now he was in this kitchen he knew like the back of his hand, wondering if Jackson was the reason Lydia was even talking to him right now. “Up for debate,” Was the lame response he came up with, voice raspy with the exhaustion that came from a cross country red eye flight. “Heard I missed the party,” They’d have to talk about the elephant in the room - the papers that have been weighing down his backpack for six months. But for now, he’d stick to safer topics. “Is everything okay?” Are you okay?

of course, she had known she wouldn’t be able to avoid him now. with allison back, lydia has no intentions of leaving beacon hills any time soon and she knew, despite any lingering hope that she could avoid this, stiles would be here soon enough. he wouldnƒ’t leave scott hanging, especially not now. so she’s not surprised in the slightest when he arrives, though she feels her chest tighten so painfully that she has to remind herself to breathe. she’d thought about leaving — getting a motel room and giving stiles some space, going across town and getting some much needed sleep. it would be easier, right? but she can’t help herself when she finds him in the kitchen, pulled to him like a magnet even though she knows she shouldn’t. all it’s going to do is cause them both more pain — unless he’s suddenly ready to accept her ultimatum. and then he can finally start to move on.

not like lydia, of course. she’d long since accepted that there is no moving on from this. she’s not going to meet anyone else and she’s okay with that. she isn’t leaving stiles because she doesn’t love him — she’s leaving him because she loves him. for his own good. there’s no coming back from the kind of love that she has for him. she knows nothing else would ever even come close. she doesn’t even realize she’s spoken until stiles is responding. her teeth sink into the inside of her cheek, arms crossing over her middle protectively and she hums. “you’re drinking melissa’s coffee in the middle of the night — if i squint, you’re fifteen again.” she regrets it as soon as she says it though because lydia knows the last thing she should be doing is taking any sort of walk down memory lane right now. she nods, one hand moving to tuck strawberry strands behind her ear. “as okay as it can be, given everything that has happened. i think allison is still in shock.” 

Jennifer Jareau