I think second-guessing yourself is a part of every art form and of every skilled occupation there is. Imposter syndrome is a thing, and something I experienced while I worked in IT. To this day, in spite of all the challenges Iāve faced, things Iāve learned, etcetera in IT or related to IT, I still doubt my ability to do so. And that reflects in my interview skills for IT jobs, which is part of the reason why Iāve given up that career. Five years and Iām still not comfortable saying that I know what Iām doing. A lot of it is subjective experience and guesswork anyways.
I wanted to comment on the writing portion of this though, and where my confidence in my writing comes from. When I was young, like twelve going on thirteen, I started writing a story for a gaming website for Unreal Tournament. It was a crappy pre-teenās gore fic but it got pretty bananas how many people read it and how often it was shared. My mother showed it to her church group, and reported back that everyone liked it. The woman had never really paid me a compliment in my entire life except for that one moment when she told me my writing was good and wanted to see more. It left me super confused.
But I continued writing fanfiction anyways. I would do it in spurts - drop it for a couple years at a time and then suddenly become obsessed with a new fandom that would occupy my every waking moment. Iāve written fics for Unreal Tournament, Final Fantasy 7, Elder Scrolls Oblivion, Neverwinter Nights, even StarCraft. A lot of it was self-insert, though not as much shipping or romance as you might think based on my ongoing Undertale fics :P
It mightāve been a form of escapism for my overactive imagination, or it mightāve just been my creative side latching on to something and running wild with it, but a few years ago I realized something about my writing that hit me like a tonne of bricks.
When I write, people listen.
I was never a strong verbal communicator growing up. My mother would talk over me or manipulate what Iād said into something nasty, completely discouraging me from talking in the first place, plus I was a very awkward, introverted kid who liked playing computer games or alone in my room. I wasnāt very social. I would get so nervous to open my mouth, I would stutter, and just be all-around awful at speaking under any circumstances. My grasp on social cues was nearly non-existant, and people would often change the subject or redirect the conversation before I was even done trying to find the words I wanted to say. I might even be autistic, but I was never tested for anything of the sort until my ADHD diagnosis from my therapist last March.
But in text, no one can interrupt me. I can start talking and I can keep talking until I get my entire point across. Iām a thousand times more articulate with a keyboard than with my own voice. And, though I have gained a lot more confidence and speaking ability and overall clarity, thatās a recent development as of the last four or five years only, and I am still far more comfortable with a keyboard in front of me.
Writing is my primary and most effective means of communication. That gives me a lot of confidence in my writing simply by virtue of the fact that itās my natural way of communicating. And itās the way that people listen to me the most. I could say something out loud and whether I fumble with my words or not, Iāve noticed that it doesnāt have even half the impact that it does if I type it in a message instead.
Sometimes I still doubt that impact that I feel that writing my words out gives me, but the evidence is there, and itās pretty overwhelming. Before Not Your Doll, I was never able to properly communicate the issues that I faced. It made me feel isolated. I would have my concerns brushed aside becauseĀ āif I have it I should flaunt itā, and that I shouldĀ āfeel luckyā that I look the way that I do. But I truly, truly hate my body and my own face sometimes. I hate the kind of attention people tell me to appreciate. I hateĀ the fact that Iāll never be able to find a real romantic partner because the way that I hate being treated seems almost inevitable. I hate that I cannot show or express any sort of weakness to anyone, because they almost always treat me as lesser than them for having weakness, or that I should have weakness by default because Iām a pretty girl that should be coddled. Do you know how hard I have to work to be as strong as I am on a day-to-day basis? And how all of it is just to try and subvert or pre-emptively defeat the attitudes and behaviours that get directed at my person just because of what I look like?
Writing NYD, even just writing my issues out now, you know exactly where Iām coming from. You know the pain thatās behind all of this, you know how much I can hate myself for something the world over typically considers a positive. If I went back and read that last paragraph aloud instead of writing it out, Iād probably come off as a bitchy, entitled, spoiled princess whining about how good she has it. The words could be as clear and as perfect as possible, I could keep my tone calm and even throughout, but the medium in how I present them really changes their impact. My face and my voice hurt my message. It doesnāt matter how impassioned I get, it doesnāt matter if I scream itĀ from the mountaintops, it would still have less impact than that paragraph just above.
Thatās why I have confidence in my writing. Writing is where people actually listen to me and treat me as an equal, and the proof is in the results.
baratheonpilled
turnnoffyourmind
ellievsbear
theartofmadeline
annaxmalina
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