Dauntless-Shadowhunter

ten seconds I open my eyes, white sheets draped over my body. The morning air is cold and a sliver of light escapes through the curtain. Ten seconds. Ten seconds before I remember every single thing that I've done wrong.

thirty seconds I'm lying in my room, staring at the ceiling. My little niece enters my room and grabs my hand. Her innocent eyes stares at me before jumping on my stomach. She laughs hysterically. Thirty seconds. Thirty seconds before I remember every wrong thing I've said.

one minute Large glass panes, the sound of utensils against plates, happy conversations, laughter, a beautiful dress, my hair is done and one of my friends tells a funny story. We all burst in laughter. One minute. One minute before I remember every person I've ever disappointed.

thirty minutes My room is a mess. I am on the floor, hunched over my sketch pad and focused on trying to make an eye that's not as dead as mine. Thirty minutes. Thirty minutes before my head is filled with a voice that screams all the mistakes I've ever done.

a few hours My door is locked. The television is off. Everything is quiet and I'm not there. I am inside the pages of the book on my lap. A shattered world and I am the only hope they have left. A few hours. A few hours of living in a different skin and forgetting about all the time I've wasted being stuck nowhere.

When can I get a whole day? When can I get at least twenty-four hours without wanting to disappear? When can I look in the mirror and not cringe at my existence? When can I stop clawing my way up to break through the water's surface? When will I stop being a disappointment? When will I stop drowning?