The Chair Leg of Truth

My brother trey came and visited me. Like I didn't have to pay for his ticket or anything he actually came to see me. That was a first. As long as I've been in California no one's come to see me unless I paid for it.

My brother trey came and visited me. Like I didn't have to pay for his ticket or anything he actually came to see me. That was a first. As long as I've been in California no one's come to see me unless I paid for it.

So alot has happened since the last time I update this thing and to sum it all up it has just reinforced that I am a damaged unlovable monster who will and should rightfully be alone for the rest of my sad pathetic life.

Really I'm just trying to force myself to be OK with this. To just accept it and stop letting it bother me but FUCK is it hard. Every single one of my friends is happily married. ALL of them, and I'm happy for them I am I'm glad every single one of them found someone who makes them happy.... That being said I'm just over here getting ditched for drgu dealers, ulbeing used as a fuck toy, ghosted, ignored, used, abused, thrown the fuck away.

And I get it I deserve it I was fucking terrible in my 20s and most of my 30s but fuck man... Come on. Seriously?

Like I said I grt it you reap what you so but at this point it wouldn't even matter if someone did like me much less love me. I wouldn't believe it, oh I wouldn't force them to prove it but I just would not believe it. Yet everyday I'd do whatever I could to get them to love me and keep me around. Jesus that's pathetic, but it's kinda how I've always been I've never believed anyone actually liked me much less loved me and given how those relationships have gone its pretty evident most of them didn't.

And my fucking dreams aren't making it any better... Making me sleep with women and it's never like actual sexual freaky nasty sex no it's always sensual loving bullshit like the kind of sex you have between two people who love and desire each other. The kind of sex I haven't had in probably damn near a decade.

I can't start dating now, I haven't been on an honest to God date in like four years... Haven't been laid in over a year. I didn't even wait that long when erin died. I have no situation ships no talking stages NOTHING. hell I only even have like one crush of a woman who barely knows I fucking exist. I don't talk to anyone really except my friends I don't go anywhere except to get groceries.

I always remind myself that I told Maxine I could not live without her and I've kept true with that.... I haven't been alive since she left. I've just been slowly dying and rotting inside waiting for things to either get bad enough that I just end it or whatever deity that's in control gets bored and let's me go.

Granted this is part of the reason I try not to talk to anyone. I never have anything exciting to say because I'm never excited.

"well no one will love you untill you love yourself"

God I hate that phrase. If it's true it pretty much ensures no one will ever love me because I will never forgive myself for the peice of shit I was and probably still would be if I had the means to be.

Story of my fucking life. I'm always good at what I do or how I am but never fucking good enough to move forward. To keep around. No never that. Ten years at this fucking job and the one time I'm like hey maybe I'll try to move up when a position becomes available... Nope fuck you it goes to someone you trained when they started. I have nothing against the guy he's a great guy but fucking christ... I can't win, I can never fucking win. Had no one else applied I don't even think he'd have given it to me then he'd have waited for someone else so again I'm stuck in this fucking position.... Oh you know all the procedures and just about everyone's thrilled with you.... But a few people aren't so fuck you it goes to the guy everyone loves... I'm so fucking over this job... Apparently I'm supposed to shit sunshine 24/7. Fuck I don't even know what to continue with... I'm fucking over all of it. A job that's never going to give me more money. Fucking people got put into a job teir and everyone else on my team got a raise out of it.. NOT FUCKING ME OF COURSE. Oh I'm good but FUCKING NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Jesus don't even have anyone in my personal life to take this to... Can't take it to the gf... I'm just a dick with legs to her. A dick delivery service if you will. Not to mention she's fucking mad at me for some fucking reason that I can't figure out and of course she wouldn't fucking tell me because again... GOOD BUT NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH. Not good enough to have an actual relationship with. Not good enough because I can't and don't want to fuck her 24/7 because hey I'm fucking old my body can't keep up and I honestly don't want it to.

The fuck is wrong with my life. The fuck is so wrong with me that I can just get ahead... Glad all it takes is a denied promotion to make me want to blow my brains out again. The fuck is the point in even trying

Oh corporate knows who you are and likes you... Apparently not enough to give me more money

Oh the Sutter supervisors know who you are... Apparently not enough to FUCKING PROMOTE ME

Everything I do it's never enough. I'm never enough. My best is never enough. It's just NEVER FUCKING ENOUGH

The more I sit here and think about it the more pissed off and hurt I get. Reminding myself every time I was good enough. Every time I got rejected for something. I am so enraged right now yet even if everyone in the world knew no one would give a fuck. No one ever does because everyone can always come up with a reason why I wasn't good enough. Ask anyone who knows me and there's always a reason why I have not and never will be good enough for anything.

This is why I shouldn't have tried. Can't be disappointed if you don't fucking try right. Why ourt forth effort why can't I learn the fucking lesson that I have not and will never matter. My wants and desires will never fucking matter. My thoughts will never fucking matter. My boundaries are not worth even considering.

I'm good enough to train other people. Good enough to get sent fucking everywhere to fix everyone else's fuck ups. Good enough to handle a bunch of manger like shit... But not good enough to pay worth a fuck as the lowest paid person on my fucking team.... Not good enough to lead anyone.

"I can give you multiple reasons as to why that's true. Would you like them chronological or alphabetical?"

"let's start with the fact that I'm not even my own person. For all intents and purposes I should have been a Terrance but no. I wasn't ever going to live up to my dead brother much less my father so I ended up a torrence... Look at that even typing my name it doesn't get capitalized common language doesn't even out any respect on my name. Why should anyone else. "

"Jesus christ dude..."

"what? To real or were you looking for the fact that I'm a failure and a faker at every thing. I've never finished anything I've ever started. I'm just an all around terrible person. Hell even if by some miracle someone actually thought I was enough I would never beleive them because honestly there's not a si gle person on this planet who couldn't do better than settling, YES SETTLING, for me. I'm not a podium prize hell I'm not even a consolation prize. You couldn't even give me away as a participation trophy. "

"I mean...."

"You mean what?! I'm wrong? Deity only knows I haven't spent my entire life being told that by every single woman I've ever known. What? This is all my fault. I've been told that by everyone not just the women on that one. But everyone tries to convince me it will get better... And it's all a lie. It's been 20+years and it's never gotten any better "

"now that's a lie... It was better when she was here."

"and look how that turned out.... Look how I turned out. Look at the stuff I'm contemplating..... It's never going to end unless I end it. There is honestly no point to any of this. I'm always going to be alone..."

"through you're own doing.."

"Yes of course through my own fucking doing because everything is my fault. I control the fucking universe and every single person in it so I make them put me through the shit I've been through. Christ I wish I could be like everyone else. Replace people on a fucking whim. Not think about others ever again just write it off as 'oh they were the asshole' have a laugh about it and get on with my life... But no, I can't because I'm the villian. Every. Single. Time. I can assure you no one whose ever dated or interacted with me has EVER been like 'oh I treated him like shit' ' oh I fucked that up' no one's ever for a fucking second regreted treating me any kind of way... The only thing they ever regret is meeting me. And I'm with them on that I regret meeting me as well. "

"then do it. Stop making e causes and just ended it."

"if I fucking could I would. If I could actually do the things I wanted to do I wouldn't be in this situation"

"more fucking excuses"

Yea well I never claimed to be an orginal person. Or an interesting one for that matter.

He nods "that's true. You've never been an orginal person. You've always been made of little bits of other people's personalities"

Can't argue that.

"You not argue something? That'd be a first. But never mind that. It's midnight. You've depressed yourself more than usually by scrolling through Instagram. Looking st women who would never in look in you direction. Reading sad posts you want to identify with. So... How are you going to do it? "

Do what?

The dark figure leans his head back on the couch "Don't play coy with me. You want me to spell it out for all you're little readers that you don't have? Fine. How do you plan on ending it all. Snuffing out that little light that is Torr?"

A gun. Simple elegant. Plain quick painless...

"Unless you fuck it up"

Unless I fuck it up but even if I do. I live alone, done on a Friday even by the time Monday rolls around and people notice I'm not at work I'd bleed out and be dead.

"Except that would cause a mess for your neighbors and landlords and you're to much of a pussy to inconvience them"

True. Maybe drive out into, no body no funeral costs for anyone no mess for anyone to clean up.

"Company car dip shit. Now you've caused an issue for your boss. One of the few humans you actually like and somewhat respect" the figure sits up and his green eyes glow " Besides no audience, and that's what you want isn't it. You want some one to notice you. You want to feel like someone cares." he waves is hand dismissively "Or you want to traumatize someone like you were traumatized."

I've spent most of my life making sure I wasn't noticed. Floating from place to place, person to person. Is it so wrong to want to finally be noticed?

"In this instance? Yes. Why THR fuck should you be noticed. The fuck have you done to be noticed, seen, remebered? You're not even a foot note in anyone's life. You're an npc. Not a useful one that sells stuff or gives plot info. A background one. One of those useless ones that walk back and for and says the same line. The biggest highlight might be moving into someone's way as they are trying to move around you. "

....

"Yea of course you have nothing to say to that... So back to this plan of yours. What about Slade?"

Give him to my aunt or to Brenda she's got another dog and he'd probably be happier with either of those two rather than with me.

"what about all your stuff?"

Going to pack it all up when I take my 3 week vacation and drop it off to random people. Get rid of anything meaningful to me and give it to others.

"Uh huh and what about getting the actual gun?"

It's... A process

"Take a class a buy the gun. 500bucks all together max. But your procrastinating. Just like you always do. Like you always have. If you were serious about this you'd be dead already. But you just have nothing but excuses because it's not what you really want. "

Well if you're so fucking knowledgeable then what the fuck DOi want?

"How should I know you whiney cunt... I'm a darkness in YOU'RE mind. The only person who can stand you long enough to actually talk to you and listen to your bullshit. Everyone else is tired of your depression. They're tired of dealing with you. You are not worth the effort of dealing with. People tolerate your presence because you used to be useful. Now you aren't. It's why you can't get a girlfriend it's why you can't even find women to fuck like you used to. You aren't useful, you offer nothing to no one. You're an emotional drain on every single person you interact with. "

I know... Which is why I should end it.

The strangers eyes glow more intensely "Oh don't act like you'd do it for anyone else. You'd do it to run away from your issues like you've run away from everything. You don't even have the decency to turn to drugs and alcohol like your father. Hell even he found someone to love him. Yet here you are. Bitchless, no hope, no light at the end of the tunnel. Scrolling night after night through one social media or another. Tears you don't even know are there stream down your face wishing it would all end or something would change or someone would save you like you thing you've saved everyone else. But you haven't saved anyone. YOU EVER saved anyone. You couldn't save Erin. She was 5 feet from you and chose death over asking you for help. Couldn't save Vinny, you failed as a father before you even knew you were one. You abandoned wizard when he got to hard to take care of. "

I...

The green eyes flared up even more " I'm not done. You've failed at everything you've ever tried to do or be. You've failed as a friend. You've failed as a boyfriend you failed as a fiance you would have failed as a husband you failed as a son. You failed as a brother and you've never even told anyone about that one. And you think you could succeed in killing yourself. You've never even tried. Oh you've told people you have but you don't have the fucking balls to try. You're to weak to take a life even when it's you're own. You're not in control of anything. You never have been. You're just a peice of waste being blown around by life. Invertebrates have more of a spine than you. I'd say you're a Jerry but even Jerry can stand up for himself. Hell even butters has a cool alter ego. You're nothing. "

I know

"No wonder your father never liked much less loved you. All the decent genes were probably used up on your older brothers. You're survival probably caused your parents divorce and your mom gave up everything to raise you. A worthless child and dissapointing son. A son whose life isn't even that bad. You have a car and a place to live and a dog but that's not good enough for you because you don't feel loved. Christ you make me sick. It makes me retch even knowing I came from your mind. You're pathetic. I wish you would kill yourself. Do us both the favor and get me out of this hell scape that is YOUR mind. "

....

Yea... I guess I am

"Dark figure in the corner? Really? Jesus you haven't changed much have you"

I can hear him rolling his eyes. Well what else would you have me call you. My conscience? You don't exactly have a name. You're always just some dark force in my mind telling me everything no one else will say.

He sighs " Yes because someone has to be the bad guy right and it can't be you? You're the victim right? The one always left holding the bill."

I know he's just trying to get to me. Of course it always works. No I'm the bad guy. I'm always the worse case scenario. Also I AM always the one left holding the bill because I'm the one who always ends up paying.

The green flame in his eyes roar to life " Poor little Torr, unliked, unloved, unwanted. My God you area broken record."

Of course I'm a broken record. I keep getting played again and again and I can't ever seem to get off the record. And I AM unliked and unloved. It's been proven time and time again that I am an unlovable monster. I am not worth people's time or effort.

He leans forward and I can see him grin. "You're right. You're not worth people's time or effort. Would you spend time or effort into someone like you?"

Yes... I would. If I loved the person, because that's what you're suppoused to do. Unconditional love!

His laugh is like a gunshot in the dark "You're the only person who thinks like that. You're the only person who loves like that. It's toxic and unhealthy. You can't be mad at others because they aren't stupid enough to love you like that much less love you at all."

I'm...

He cuts me off "You're not mad at them. That's the most toxic part, you're mad at yourself. You hate yourself for how you treat others. You were raised to be like this and it infuriates you."

Yea... Pretty much.

"you fucked up every good thing you've ever had. Rosie, Erin, Melissa, Ma.."

You can shut the fuck up right there. I don't need to hear her name.

"No of course you don't. What's it been? 4 years? 5? And it still a raw gapping wound. Safe to say you will never love again. She broke you. She broke you and never even looked back to admire her handy work. Yet you still can't bring yourself to hate her. You still blame yourself for everything that happened. You blamed yourself for Rosie leaving you. So much so that once you told her that your mental issues weren't her fault she dissappeared. Then there was Erin, we all know you drove her to that. Best case scenario she used you to kill herself worst case you're selfish ways cause her death. Melissa well the closest you came to a non toxic relationship.. And you couldn't handle it. " I can hear the amusement in his voice" You sabotaged every last bit of that. "

I'm aware that I fuck everything up. Pretty much confirms why I'm an unlovable monster.

"Ah but you're done aren't you. You don't plan on sticking around"

No I don't. I'm tired of the every day pain. I'm tired of the lumps in my throat. I'm tired of feeling angry and bitter everytime I see anyone be even remotely happy. Tired of feeling like I don't and haven't belonged any where ever.

He leans forward and steeples his fingers"but you're not going to do it. That would be an escape and you're such a pathetic sad boy. You think you deserve all the bullshit thrown at you. Plus your a procrastinating peice of shit. You're not going anywhere. You're going to sit there and be sad until you eventually die. No one will miss you. No one will go to your funeral. No one will even notice you're missing. "

Yea... I know. So I write this stupid shit hoping if I get it out of my head it will go away.

"hahahaha. I'll never go away. You're stuck with me forever. I will always be here in the corner watching you fuck everything up. Watching you never make a real human connection again because you're terrified of what it will do to you when it inevitably fails"