Meditations from being off Tumblr
I've been off Tumblr for... pretty much seven months, with a couple of brief returns for specific purposes and, for one thing, I am the happiest I've been in a long time. But this post isn't really about that. This post is about what I've learned in my time touching grass, and now I'm coming back here to try to communicate these things.
This is the most recent of my things to say, but I think it's a good starting point. A building block, if you will. Right now, I'm working on a fanfiction project, and this project has been... transformative, for my mental state. You see, it says in my blog descriptions that "I have concepts of being a writer." This is a lie, but it's nonetheless an instructive lie. The core problem, that so many aspiring artists face, is that they have ideas of what being an artist is. That you create X or Y or Z and you produce amazing, thought-provoking works.
I'm here to tell you that that is bullshit. One cannot be an artist except in the abstract. If I go to a museum and I see a beautiful painting that moves me to tears, the person who painted it is an artist, yes. But to her? She is not doing art.
She is doing work. The main thing to understand with regard to the creation of art is that it is not the action of creating art that creates art. If you set out to try to create art without pre-established skill, you will fail nine times out of ten. It's a sentiment I remember seeing fairly regularly in my time on Tumblr - oh I would create such good art if only I could create art. But they're going about it the wrong way. Most people are going about it the wrong way. Because, as I mentioned, the creation of art is not art - it is work.
But what does the creation of art being work mean specifically, though?
Now that we've established that the creation of art should be thought of as work, rather than of the act of art, we must establish what work specifically entails, and for this, I'm going to give you an example.
Think of a plumber. He goes around, cleaning and repairing pipes all day. He goes to different houses, different apartments, doing his job, and then he goes home to his family. The creation of art should be thought of no differently than this. Does a plumber self-identify with the pipes he maintains? Of course not. That would be ludicrous. "Oh, I really see myself in this pipe." Ridiculous.
So we must apply the same logic to the creation of art, which is to say, we must not identify with the art we create. One trap I see many aspiring writers (my chosen art form) is caused by this identification with the work that we do. They feel that, if they do not produce art of an acceptable quality, they have failed. This is the wrong approach, and it will hurt you. Art is a medium that has allure, especially if you want to express yourself. But I call it a trap for a reason. Self-doubt, to think that your work is not good enough, that is the mind-killer. This is why we must identify the creation of art, not as a creative act, but as a cold-blooded, disconnected act.
I ask you to ponder a simple question with me. Do you, truly, think you will, someday, wake up and be the person you imagine when you think about who you want to be? That you will have been magically transformed into that person? If you do believe that, do you think that's an especially realistic idea?
Exactly. This is a great truth about growth and maturity, one that can only be really understood by people who are ready to hear it, but I'm going to tell you anyway. You aren't going to suddenly wake up one day and be the beautiful woman or the handsome man you dream about. It isn't going to happen.
So. Why are you waiting for it to?
If you're like me, there's no real reason. Inertia, maybe. Or fear of change. Whatever the case, you're stuck there. You aren't moving forward. You're waiting to be saved by an act of a god who cannot be demonstrated to exist.
I'm sorry. You're going to have to do it yourself.
I know. That's a daunting task. It's easier to stay here and do nothing at all. Meet the Enemy.
I use the term "the Enemy" for a number of different things, but they can all be collected under one broad phenomenon - the human tendency to seek a life that is stable, safe, and controlled. The concept of the Enemy started last summer, when I was reading and thinking about The Sisters of Dorley by Alyson Greaves, but I did not name it until recently. You see, The Sisters of Dorley has a moral. It's not a moral I've ever seen anyone talk about (although, I will admit, I have not looked much for it,) but it's still there. The moral of The Sisters of Dorley is that there is no basement. Nobody is going to kidnap a prospective trans woman off the street and turn her into a girl against her will. She has to do it herself.
However, the concept of the Enemy truly crystalized while I was thinking about my current fanfiction project (The Daughter of Poseidon, I'll leave you to guess what it's about) when I realized that self-doubt is the Enemy. The feeling that I am broken, that my writing is bad, that is the Enemy. At its core, the Enemy is all the parts of you that are trying to stop you from doing what you want, becoming the person you want to be. The Enemy's friends are idle hands, doomscrolling, playing games when you could be creating art or injecting your hormones. The Enemy's wins if you never create, never change, never be human. If you kill yourself, the Enemy wins its ultimate victory. The Enemy is waiting to wake up as the person you want to be. And it keeps you blinded to the fact that you're just waiting until something overcomes it.
That something is you. It always has been. It always will be. I'm sure you've done stuff in the past. You have overcome the Enemy, but doing so is not enough. You need to overcome the Enemy over and over and over and over again.
Something else to remember too, is that your ascent will not be perfect. Maturity is an ever-changing, perpetually incomplete process. To think that, armed with this knowledge of the Enemy, you can do anything right now, is foolish. Every day is a battle against the Enemy and you need not win them all. Some days, you will lose and the Enemy will win. But you have only lost a battle. You have not lost the war. Pick yourself up and keep going.
The Enemy is crafty too. If you find some tactic to beat it, it will find a way to defeat that tactic. You must out foxfox the Enemy at every turn. But again, each day is a battle, not the entire war. Maybe you lose the battle one day. Maybe the Enemy defeats you. Maybe you lapse back into self-doubt and self-loathing. It's okay. I can promise you that it's okay. It's okay to fail. But remember. We continue. Keep fighting that battle and, like with anything else, it will get easier the more you practice fighting against the Enemy.
You will not wake up with a finished story one morning. You will not wake up with a finished painting one morning. You will not wake up as the person you want to be one morning.
You will have to work for it and that is why the creation of art is work, not artistry. But you must work.
