The Butterfly Effect

You get pregnant. Your partner leaves you. You bring up the baby alone.

Are you really taking on two roles?

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Are you though?

The answer is no. So why do you tell yourselves that you are? If you actively search for a partner just so you don't have to raise a child on your own because it's too challenging. How is that taking on two roles?

If the child feels that depressing emptiness & wonders why one of their parents chose to abandon them is that taking on two roles?

Because you feed, care, change, wash & love your child is that taking on two roles?

Ask yourselves these questions instead:

Why put that on yourself? Why put the world on your shoulders and live with such hate and resentment? Why are you trying to be everything and more for your child? You are enough.

Whether you like it or not, your child will be affected no matter what. There's nothing you can do about it. Stop sheltering your children & tell them the truth. Tell them both sides of the story. Stop looking for someone else they can call Dad! Eventually if/when that fucks up what then! Move on to daddy no.3? No!! Do that if you want serious abandonment issues and trauma for that child. They shouldn't have to go through life thinking no-one will love them. They shouldn't have to spend their lives searching for love somewhere either. Learn that you are enough. Cause I promise you that one day If you don't you'll regret it when that child resents you.

Love wont be a bed of Roses forever. The honeymoon period ends and life gets in the way. It's not about how much better off you are in life now than what you were. Cast aside all of that notion. That's not going to see you through. If you're lucky enough to have found the one you need to tell yourself everyday that this is it. You have to feel it. You just know. There's no doubt in your mind. And your other feels it too. They portray that to you so make sure you do the same.

If you want to last a lifetime you've got to give them a lifetime in return.

Couples need their space to grow together. Your other will change a hundred times in their lives, they will deal with a hundred different situations and deal with those in so many different ways individually. As will you.

The most important thing to learn is how to listen without solution. Just hear them out and reassure them. That's the best thing you can do in certain situations. If something has really affected your other and the only way they know how to deal with it is, for example; To stay in bed for days on end without showering and just binge watch TV shows, just accept it. Give them a cuddle and make them breakfast in bed. You have no idea what those small gestures mean. They might not tell you that they need you but learn how to be present. Learn how to live together, how to evolve together and always communicate. You might not know how or what you can do to help in those tough moments but you can still reassure them that you're always with them. There will undoubtedly be hardships along the way. It's about how you brave the storms together that truly counts. Don't let trivial things come between you when there's an ocean surrounding you. Just ensure that you're always there no matter what and don't expect love to be easy. Stick with them. If they truly are the one you will battle life's challenges together whilst always having the strength to go on.

We finally know what it's like to have the depth of our love we have to give reciprocated and we tell eachother everyday how lucky we are to have crossed paths. I can't wait to experience the rest of our lives together. 💗

What is wrong with me? I finally had it out with my mum about the pain I feel Inside and the reasons I've struggled with depression since before I can remember and I thought it would make me feel better. To get some closure. To know that my mother felt some remorse to what happened to me as a child. To know that she was sorry and to know that if she could've changed anything sooner she would have. But all I feel inside me is this ever-growing emptiness. Looming over me day in day out. I don't know how to express it or how to overcome it. I don't see a way out. Depression is suffocating me. More and more every day. Without being cooped up on meds how do you defeat it on your own? What is the cure? I've gotten so good at pretending it isn't there. It is an invisible limb that I have now and it takes so many peoples lives already I refuse to let it take mine. There's things I want to do first. Things I am yet to experience. I always say to myself, 'if this happens in my life I'll finally be happy' 'I'll finally find happiness if I get to experience this' but now I'm scared that I'll be let down and the depression will still linger. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I'm working my fingers to the bone on bare minimum just to be able to live. I'm scraping by barely and just living one day at a time. How long can this go on for? This mind numbing repetition that has taken hold of my life. I long for something different and I get unhappy being in the same place or for too long. I get this urge to run away and be reckless. To quit my job and not worry about the repercussions. But I know that I can't. I financially support my partner and his daughter. It's not just about me anymore. I can't hit and run if I'm unhappy anymore.

Don't get me wrong. I love my boyfriend more than anything. Sometimes I just find it hard. Hard to co-exist with him and his daughter. I feel like I'm going to fuck everything up every day that I wake up. Almost like I'm waiting for that excuse to bail.

Take forward everything in your life that you're not happy about. I feel like I cope with my experiences by viewing them as important life lessons. Ok. So what I'm not happy with about my life is as follows:

1. I wish I had a stronger relationship with my Mum. She's never listened to me without passing judgement and she's never put me (or my brother) first. I will always put my kids happiness before my own that is a given. I will also always listen to them. No matter what random shit they come out with. This is what ultimately builds trust and foundations between a parent and a child. You always have to take a step back and think to yourself; I may have birthed this child, But I still always want to be close to them when they grow older and don't need me anymore. Otherwise, expect a few visits a year. Also, make sure there's always room for your babies to come back once they've flown the nest. Closing that off makes it seem like you don't want us to come back there. So we won't. But don't be a stranger and go and visit them. Just because you birthed them doesn't mean they have to come and visit you. It's a two way thing. The last thing they need in their life is to feel alone.

2. Ok enough about my mum that could last forever.. the second thing I dislike about my life is how many fucked up weirdos I had to meet in order to teach myself about love. If you don't have a teacher you have to self teach. I had my Nana and Grandad's relationship as my only reference. Before I have kids I'm going to make sure there's enough stability in my life to account for family building. It's got to be as strong as I am.

3. Stop asking me when I'm going to have a baby. When I'm going to do this that or the other. I have to figure my shit out first and it's not exactly like you visit me now as it is so why you asking me that? Prove you can be relied on. Prove you can be a good grandparent.

It's been a while since I last updated. I need to tell you about my life right now..

A wise person once told me that you must take a lesson from each person you meet in life that lets you down in some way or another in order to evolve. I have always lived by that. So I directed my focus on failed relationships.. Absorbing as much knowledge as I could as to why they failed and what I needed to start doing differently in order to not fail the next one in the same way. It's harder than you think but worthwhile. If you see everyone of value in your life as a lesson to help you grow into the person you are meant to become, you in turn recieve a strength so wild you are able to understand people's flaws and recognise certain characteristics that you like or dislike in a person you want to keep in your life. I always preferred the ugly characteristics of a man by nature. I've spent so long of my life focusing on finding someone to share my life with that I quit uni to persue a life with a partner who ultimately ended up cheating on me anyway. Which taught me that sometimes. You have to put yourself first. And instead of seeking council in your peers, instead search for the truth within yourself first. Because you know the answer. You always did. You always knew you wouldn't last you just had to put that first. I don't regret anything though. A lesson I learnt a long time ago. If I didn't take the steps I wouldn't be where I am right now.

So I've taken one lesson from everyone I've met throughout life who failed me. It has helped me define the kind of man I want to spend my life with and the kind of man that I don't.. I am grateful of this power and it's ultimately taught me how to find realistic expectations without compromise.. We are brought up to believe we need a successful man by our side to live happily ever after. This is unfathomable for me. I tried that and I was miserable. I always searched for someone higher than myself in various aspects and each time I found myself with a man who only valued themselves. I decided to do the almighty thing and persue someone of equal standing in every way to me. And began evaluating him against my list of unfavourable traits to see if he held any red cards.. He doesn't drink. He isn't aggressive. He shows the utmost love and support to his family, his own or otherwise. He does not control. He does not think he's owed anything by anyone. He loves unconditionally. He reassures without question. He comforts me when I'm sad and laughs when I laugh. He listens to everything I have to say. He halfs the burdens of day to day life, housework and otherwise. He is the first man after my grandad that I've ever met that ticks every single one of these boxes. He makes me happy every day and we worship eachother. He is my soulmate.

A good friend once taught me that there is nothing scary about being alone. He taught me to embrace it. And he believed in me when I was at my lowest and never gave up on me.

I found a little cheap studio apartment with a really lovely bay window. It wasn't in an ideal location as far as work goes but it was somewhere I found, furnished and paid for all by myself with the help of my white elder mother butterfly. It was ok. At first. Until my birth mother found out about my new flame and suggested we live together. Which yeah, excited me. But we were still new. And I dont really know if that was rushed. But there definitely wasn't enough space for us both and his daughter too in that small apartment. Yet it never seemed to really bother us. We just took it all in our stride. Never got on top of each other and we genuinely just loved spending time with each other. Getting to know eachother better etc.

Needless to say, we eventually found somewhere bigger, a two bedroom house with a lounge and a massive kitchen probably 6x as big as my old one. With a garden and a bathtub. And WALLPAPER!! No more staring at 4 white walls all day!

Thinking back to the last post I published and being flabbergasted to how different my views/outlooks on life are now is astonishing.

I never in a million years thought that I'd have the strength, the self confidence or the perseverance to relieve myself of the hefty burden anchoring me down.

But I did. Somehow I found an escape. And it was without a doubt, worth the struggle.

I've known what I wanted for a long time now. I was just worried about all the drastic changes going for It would create. And all the worries about whether or not it would actually work in my favour or leave me with nothing.. It turns out that being driven into another man's arms was underliningly the best thing I could have done. I jumped over the fence and took a bite out of the juicy green grass and that was that. I was hooked. I wanted more. Much more in fact. And now I have all the green grass I could ever want or need.

Loyalty. This is such a foreign word these days. Social media has corrupted this concept of true love and meant to be. Back in the 1940's if a man and woman were attracted to one another, she'd tell all her girlfriends and he'd tell all his boys that they were courting. Along with their parent's and thus their neighbours in most cases. It'd be in whispers and gossips and everyone around them would know that they weren't on the market anymore. They'd fall in love fast. They'd marry fast. And they'd stay together and have a family together. Their loyalties lied with eachother until the end of their lives. That was that. Black and white.

In today's modern society there is a massive colour spectrum infront of us. We're all spoilt for choice. We actively seek out something better at all times. We're an upgradable generation and we strive off of new things. The most materialistic generation to ever be created. because of this. When we do get in relationships and we do get a little bored or require a little more attention the other party isn't willing to give, we simply click our fingers to a screen and bam. In 5 seconds flat. We've connected with someone new. Someone better. With more to give in every way. Our generation is spoilt for choice. Effectively every generation to come after this has been spoilt also. Because we don't recognise this as a problem. And there is no cure. Everything to do with relationships with other people have been corrupted. Yet we're the most isolated generation to have ever lived. And there has also been a massive epidemic in young people comitting suicide. Maybe this is why. Maybe social media is poisoning us against us all.. Maybe we should recognise this as a problem. Maybe we should be doing something about it. Setting up organisations for young people to teach them the importance if connecting with eachother etc.

The best way I can describe this feeling is as if somebody you loved, or thought you loved. Died. But their ghost keeps floating around you. Daily. They are still with you. Yet instead of wondering why they're there. Or grieving over the loss of them. You begin to realise why they died. So slowly. A little bit more each day.. It's in every little thing they do/say or don't do.. almost like an outer body experience. You're forced to face why the reasons why it happened. Every single day of your life. They aren't going anywhere though. You are right there in pergatory along side them. Enduring it together like some sort of freakish novel or horror movie..

My rose tinted glasses are slowly being peeled off like a dried scab over a deep wound. and it's all bare knuckle from here.. I've started noticing some really ugly stuff.. like the way we are around each other. So cold like a brisk winters eve..

I'm at home all day on my own and doing my own thing. Yet as soon as they appear, there's little to any acknowledgement given. Next to no interest. And the harsher reality is that this is how it's always been. We don't associate with each other whatsoever.. and haven't done since the whole duration of living together. Or of our relationship but never really knew it. As there were always other people around us.. We tolerated each other when we were alone. We were sat in the same room as each other... but we never connected. There were never a spark. He was just nice to me once. Eventually even that died.. We weren't friends and we didn't. Dont. Have anything in common. Yet I'm being forced to live this with all my tolerance taken away from me.. ripped off me when I wasn't ready. He really broke me when he died.. and I feel like I'm drowning. Each and every day I have to wake up and smile at the ghost in my life. I have to bury what he did to me along with his lifeless corpse. Yet I can't bring myself to. Like chewing tobacco in my mouth. Tastes bitter but refusing to let it go. I have to some how find a way through this. With no help from him.. he out and out refuses to see fault in himself.. So I have to be the one to carry this burden of him still haunting me every day of my life... He never asked me why I was playing with knives that night. He didn't say a word to me. But it's because I can't take another second of this.. we've been like this for 3 years. Ive been with someone so disinterested in me they won't even have a simple conversation with me. I have completely and utterly vanished into his shadow and have absolutely no idea how to find myself again..