DarklyDreamingDexter

I tried to go to bed earlier last night... my head hit my pillow and finally the demons slept and didn’t put up a fight... I don’t even care that I’m up at five. That five hours was the best sleep I’ve been able to get in months... and I woke up feeling a little more alive... hell, I may even lay back down a little longer for once.. I’m getting there. Bit by bit. My will is getting stronger... The demons are finally starting to sleep a little longer... The voices aren’t so loud this morning. And it’s such a pleasant feeling... I may have only slept five hours but for once my mind isn’t reeling... so I will be grateful for the rest that i was able to get... I’m looking forward to today. I can’t believe I can finally say that... but Today feels positive. And yes, in the back of my mind I’m still cautious.. don’t want to get all excited just to wake them up to start their ruckus... but today I woke up and the cages weren’t all rattling. Don’t get me wrong there’s still a few but nothing that’s too challenging...they finally let me sleep. I feel like today is a chance at a brighter day. A chance that once again I can keep those bastards all locked away... the light is still glowing... and I’m going towards it as fast as I can and I’m prepared for everything those demons keep throwing... I’m not giving up yet... because there’s something left inside me that my tormentors can never get... and that thing is hope. Hope for a better tomorrow. That things will get brighter. That it’s not the end of my rope... and so I woke up and I smiled this morning... because I could still see that light off in the distance. But it’s closer than it was before. And I don’t feel like the monsters in my head are putting up as much resistance... so I’ll hold on to the feeling I woke up with today... even if they all get out again, right here ready for battle is exactly where I’ll stay... my story isn’t over yet... I just finally started being the one to write it and I’m prepared to finish writing cover to cover... this isn’t the end of me. No I’m not even close... there’s too much ahead of me. And i can’t watch the destruction of those I love the most... I’m finally the author now... the story is mine. My mind is open and I can see that distant glow. and suddenly all these brand new ideas just won’t cease to flow... and so I’ll keep on writing them all down. It’s time that I stop hiding them. I’m so much more than just a clown... and I don’t care what anyone else fucking thinks anymore. This is my story not theirs... my actions, my words, it’s me I’m doing it for... that light sure is getting closer now... I don’t know how long I’ve been trying to get to it. And whatever it takes I plan on pushing through all the bullshit... I won’t let these demons be the death of me. I don’t care how much torment I have to endure or how much pain because Whatever I have to do I’m going to get to where I’m supposed to be... thanks to those who haven’t given up on me yet. to the ones who have stood by me. When I know I gave you every reason to have left. To the ones who kept picking me up and putting me back on my feet again. I’m sorry for all the worry I caused you, the ones who stood by me since my downfall began... thanks for putting the pen back in my hand every time I threw it down. Thank you for seeing through me and seeing more than just a clown... There’s so much more that i could say but I don’t think there will ever be enough words to cover it all. But I’ll start by saying thank you to the ones I knew I could always call...

Love,

Today was a quieter day than most. Those days always make me a little paranoid. Because I know they’re only sleeping, and I have to try to be a quiet host... Because if they stir then before I know it it’s all over. The riot begins and before I know it there’s another hostile takeover... but today has been a better one than I’ve been used to for a while now. Maybe it’s from finally writing it all down. But in reality I don’t care how... I’m just thankful for the peace that I could have today. For the first time in a long time I was able to keep the demons at bay... and boy is it a feeling I’m so thankful for. For months now my mind has been in a complete and total uproar... so I will gladly take the quiet days... I’ll go out into the world. I’ll do my best to keep a smile on my face... I’ll remind myself that the world isn’t always such a dismal place. Even though in the back of my mind there’s still so much I’ll never be able to erase... but today I got a break that was much needed... I don’t think anybody realizes just how much my mind has gotten overheated... but I think I can fall asleep tonight... I think that maybe I can lay my head down without them putting up much of a fight. And I’ve really really needed that. That sleepy feeling... maybe all this writing is what I needed to be able to start the healing... so I’ll take the good days as they come. I won’t question it. I won’t fight it. Because I know tomorrow there could be another mental riot... but I’m prepared if in the morning it’s one of the days I have to wake up swinging. I’m ready if it’s one of the days where my head just won’t stop ringing... because I finally got a much needed break today... so I’ll lay my head down. And fall asleep. And hopefully tonight asleep is where the demons stay...

I walked into the counselors office sophomore year and met a stranger sitting there... she asked me for my story. At first I was quite afraid to share...I had always been told not to. I knew the consequences...But for the first time in my life I didn’t come to their defenses... I hit my breaking point that day. And I had never felt so small. How could I betray the reasons I even existed at all? The truth isn’t always pretty. And i only had two choices. I still can’t unhear the pain that I heard echoing through their voices... I chose to save myself that day. They had already made their choices... for the longest time I blamed myself. Wondered what I did to cause their actions. The bruises. The trauma. The pain I endured. They always acted like it never happened... my own blood family has called me a liar. And acts like my mother was close to perfect. Where were they when she was telling me delivering me wasn’t even worth it? And my father whom I’ve always painted as this perfect hero? I can’t tell you where he was half the time. I just knew he was high. That was clear though... where were they for the late nights she woke me up to drag him back inside? Because he had passed out in his shop once more. I wished that I could hide... where were they when she hit me? When he let it happen too? Should I even get into the part of my childhood they used me as their drug mule? Or the times I watched her almost die because of her addiction? I probably shouldn’t, but I’m going to. It’s time I release all this tension... I’ve held it all back for so long now. But I’ve known it needed saying. They were the reason in the first place that I ever gave up praying... because how can a god be so merciful yet let a child go through it? You can’t convince me of that he only sends his strongest warriors bullshit. I was nothing more than a little kid, so I definitely don’t believe it... the worst part is if they were here today they would tell you they didn’t do it. That they did their best as parents. But looks can be deceiving with you’re not the one going through shit...I wished not to wake up every night when I would finally go to sleep. Knowing my living nightmare would still be there in the morning. That thought alone cut me deep... I can’t unsee so many of the things they put me through. I went through a lot of things no child should ever ever have to do... I wondered what was so wrong with me That they couldn’t just love me like they were supposed to. I know they loved me in their own ways. But instead they always chose what they wanted to do... and it never mattered how much I pleaded or I begged... I hid my mothers pills once just so she wouldn’t end up dead... she grabbed me. Slung me against the wall. All I remember after coming to is feeling how hard I must have hit my head... she kept me home from school the next day. And the next day.... Couldn’t let anyone see the bruises or there would be so much more hell to pay. All I wanted to do was help my family. But I could never seem to find the right words to say. I wonder as I write this if they’re reading... I wonder if they know now about all the issues they helped cause that keep me wishing I had no feelings... I didn’t used to be this way. I was always so bright and shiny. It’s crazy. I learned to wear a mask, even when I was still so tiny. But the truth is that I blame them for oh so much... why I’m so cautious with everyone, why I flinch sometimes from just a touch... the truth is that they stripped me of Ever being a kid. I was being sent into to drug houses while the other kids played and I think that’s when the demons hid. They stayed there for a while before they ever made a peep. But as I got older they became the reason that I hate falling asleep... and Yet I still feel guilty just for making that one phone call. The one where i had enough and said I needed out once and for all... I shouldn’t feel this way. I did the right thing exactly as I should... I just wish they had done what a decent parent would. They didn’t even fight for me. What was so wrong with me?

Why wasn’t I worth it? They wouldn’t even take a drug test. All that came out of their mouths were just excuses and more bullshit... but I’m the liar. I’m the problem. I’m the one you both pinned it all to? Did you ever wonder what it did to me? Did you care? No. As always, You just did what you wanted to do... now all that I can do is try to just keep pushing on...

Signed Sincerely,

The Son Who’s Life That You Chose To Miss Out On

I played another game of hide and seek today. I kept telling that stupid demon that I didn’t want to... but he managed to get loose so what other choice did I have but to play. The demons almost won today... they held me captive for so long today when I got out I could barely see straight... but I made it through the riots and tomorrow is another chance. A chance it will be brighter, a chance the demons won’t decide to dance... At least I can say I’m hopeful. I’m hopeful that tomorrow that my own thoughts aren’t so damn Uncomfortable. Tomorrow is another shot and I’ll wake up and try again. I’m learning to take control back of the prison in my brain. It’s so fucking difficult sometimes... but I’m learning all their tactics. But there’s still times they blur the lines. Oh my god it gets so hectic... I can’t give up yet though. My story isn’t nearly over yet. Not until I say so... and I refuse to give up. They will never make me tap. As bad as I want to. As much as it hurts. As much as in my soul I feel this void. this giant gap. There’s still so many things I have here that I still have left to do. Even if my reasons are minuscule at times. Or just looking forward to trying something new. I forgot what living was what seems like such a very long time ago... I’ve been in survival mode for so long now that I thought I had no say so... but that’s not the case... the pen is in my hand and now this author, no more time will he waste.. I’ve wasted enough of my sanity, and so much of my time. And not just mine but those I love... I don’t know why they stayed. at times I really crossed the line... and I can’t even say for certain that I’ll ever get it all right... Because life has its ways of working, but at least I see a light... it’s a dim one but i can see it. It’s way off in the distance. And I know I can get to it with enough patience and persistence... the road will be difficult and I know that and I’ll do my best to keep on going. Right now I just need that light to stay there. I need it to keep glowing... the demons almost won today... But they didn’t win. I’m still here. I won the battle this round. They can stay the fuck away...

I question my own existence on almost a daily basis... why am I here? What good am I doing? I see the looks on everyone’s faces...I don’t know why I ask these questions... I already know the answer. There’s that demon again. Playing his games... he’s like a fucking cancer... but it’s his job. He does it well. He keeps my mind so scrambled. Sometimes I can’t tell up from down, and it feels like I’m being trampled... I pull myself up every time. I try to keep on running... but I’ve been running in the darkness for so damn long now, and I don’t see any light coming... I keep on looking. Searching. Seeking. Hoping I can find it... but all the flashlights have run out of batteries... I swear I had one left... the bastard stole it just to hide it... just another game he plays and for me there’s no escaping. All I can do is keep on running through all the fucking chaos he keeps making... I hear him laughing, with all the others as they watch me in my panic. I scream at them “just take me out already” but they just seem to get more manic... I could deal with just one demon. But this one has an entire team. They gang up on me every chance they get... so I stay to myself to make sure I don’t make another scene...They keep me isolated. They Make me feel like I’m a bother... I can’t count how many people I’ve lost now because of them... and there always seems to be yet another... and I can’t blame them. I really can’t. They can’t see the battle that I’m fighting. If I let them see, then their vision of me changes...and that’s a whole new game I really don’t feel like inciting... because when I let them in they worry again... and I’ve caused them all so much pain... how could I even dream of letting them meet the demons inside my brain? I don’t even know where to start. Everything inside my mind, it always feels so cluttered... every word I try to speak... it only comes out muttered... I can never get the words right, and so instead I just stay quiet... my mind.. it just can’t take another mental prison riot... so instead I sit and smile. and I tell them all I’m fine... I wish so badly that I could just let them in... but I just can’t seem to cross that line...

My mind likes to play tricks on me. It’s like a little demon living in the back of my head who’s goal it is to make sure my reality stays blurred... like wearing a pair of drunk goggles every time he gets disturbed... it’s hurt me a lot... and hurt even more people that I love but as much as I try to chase after him I can never catch him to evict him from my already overpopulated brain. Sometimes I wish I could still believe in someone up above.... because I’ve set every trap I can for him... tried to end him so many times in this stupid game...Even had him in a cage a few times and he still managed to get away from me every fucking time we play...And I’ve played this game with him for so long that I’ve become aware of his movements. I can hear him coming... but I almost liked it better when I couldn’t. It’s hard knowing what’s going on inside your own mind and not being able to stop it while it’s running... because it hits you worse than getting a concussion...because all he wants to do is wreak havoc and destruction, not taking names, no prejudice, nobody I love is safe... I wonder if they can see it on my face...my only comfort is when he’s tired and had enough and goes to sleep. But I’m always extra careful not to wake him up... because if he stirs then I destruct again. And I’m oh so very tired of this game of hide and seek. We play it every day now it seems... he doesn’t play nicely. He always says the meanest things. He tells me nobody could ever love me. Why should they? I’m worthless... wouldn’t you agree?... he tells me nothing is going to get better... and some days it’s a war between us. the way he runs wild inside my head takes away everything I thought i could trust... I’m so tired of trying to catch him. Sometimes I’m so tired even I believe his toxic lies. Worthless. Unwanted. Nothing. A convenience... sounds about right when I get that exhausted. What’s worse is knowing he’s lying but yet I still believe it... But there’s another trick he plays. He holds his hand around my mouth so no words can escape. All the things I want to scream, he makes sure that they go unheard... Instead he takes over my vocal cords and all people hear are jokes, not my words...I always make people laugh but that’s what I feel like. Just A joke...my mother taught me if I could laugh at myself then nobody could laugh at me... why does it feel like she couldn’t have been more wrong? Because everywhere I go that’s all that’s happening. And it’s all because of this demon... the bastard that won’t let me catch him... the bain of my very existence... he’s always one step ahead of me and he’s always laughing. Cackling at my every attempt to make the trickery stop... and he’s got everybody around me laughing with him. Makes me feel like a problem... so what is there to do when the demon won’t go the fuck to sleep? When you’ve done your best to kill it and the fucker keeps on trying? My patience, once my greatest gift, has withered away to nothing... goddamn it he’s awake again... I can hear him... I know he’s coming... my mind can’t take much more. I feel like I’m combusting... here he comes... here goes nothing...